Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - Falling is easy
falling is easy. falling. failing...each come hand in hand so it seems.
i have a fantastic tendancy to be able to **** Everything up for myself.
Wonderful.
Just as i was beginning to be able to start to think that i might someday be able to cope with everything thats been thrown at me so far, life says ....haha- not this time love!
From thinking i was in a place of safety and ending up with threats to my life, what constitutes to rape- although i hate using that word in the present tense, and then a miscarrige that i've carried almost alone, trying my best not to share with those around me in the thought that it would be better for them if i didn't....and now losing the very thing i was fighting for. I know i've been crap. I am crap...in so many senses of the word, but i've really been trying. Love , or at least the consept of love, the thought that someone cared enough to 'love' me...shattered dreams
I don't expect. Expectation only leads to disappointment, and i know i've been the worst of company... i guess i had the hope that i was worth a few weeks of waiting til i could find my feet...when in reality, i've just proved to myself that i'm not. Happy birthday bec...clever aren't you !
I know i'm a negative person. Generally speaking, things are negative for me, but not due to negative thinking. Despite a lack of expectation, of myself, or anyone else, i do hope, or have recently allowed myself to do so at any rate.... nevertheless....its a **** idea. don't do it - well if you're me , don't... the fact that you're not me, gives you a level of hope to some degree.
Mindless self indulgent rant? probably seems so. even to me as i'm typing i just feel like i'm whining ....but in honesty....i'm broken to pieces. I want to be ok . I want to have hope- in funding , in therapy, in life, in anything at all, but all have let me down- suppose its just the way it goes.
Ordinarily i'd try to pick myself back up again - dust myself off, or at least do my best...which all in all isn't fantastic ...but what is left.
another little one lost. another lap of abuse. another loss of hope.
i'm almost wishing it wasn't so clear to me - what should happen next...but it is
crystal clear, and i don't know when its going to catch up with me , but i know it will.
so whats the prognosis? I don't know. Hours, days? only time will tell
all i know is im totally broken. the past. the present. the lack of future that floods my head when thinking prospectively, if indeed i'm able to...its useless. i'm useless. i can't keep myself together for myself ,and now, clearly, i'm unable to do it for anyone else either.
Things are always rough at this time of year, heading towards my birthday, its a big time of **** even when things are good....
the fact that things are completely awful... well who knows
to be straight..i don't know how long i've got. i don't even know if i'll make it to my birthday. if i'll make it to tomorrow. through the week. anything is too much.
so i type and type and type my life away because there really is nothing else left.
i really have no idea what is to come. i want there to be something...anything..but what is there to hope in when all is lost; dear me, don't i sound melodramatic- how i wish it was that easy to blow away.
all the years have lead to this. all the time. the pain. the trial. the anticipation. the hope. the fear. everything. and now nothing.
Whats happening becci?
Please don't hurt yourself, bad things have happened but its not your fault. You are strong enough to get through this. are you starting therapy soon?
(((((hugs becci))))
take care
Jo xxxxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
What you have been through from what you have written is just terrible. I am so so sorry. But as above just coz you have had bad things happen to you, does in no way make you bad. Wish I could make things feel a little easier for you, it just doesnt seem at all fair. I hope you dont mind me responding to your post, but I just had to.....I had to tell you that you do have a life worth living.
please please dont do anything bad to yourself. Please dont take away you life. Please please think again, you are special, important, very important to the world, you have something of your own to give yet...even if it feels so bleak right now...please just hold on a bit longer.
Are you seeking help for all of this, please seek help. Professionals are there. If you're really in trouble of harming yourself, please please go to the hospital or find a friend to ring, anything. You are worth so so much more, more than you can imagine. I know I dont know you, but i dont need to know you to know that you are worth living this life.....good times will come, no one can see when , but they will and when they do you'll be such a strong lady.
Please please stay safe.
post and post again, as much as you need and want, people are here for you on this site. We all care so much.
much love xx
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
Hammy and Jo are smart - read what they wrote like 5 times and think about it
also, when things get like this, i think that you need to fight fight fight the automatic urges to hide and isolate yourself and instead you need to talk to somebody and communicate. please call a friend or a doc or somebody or a crisis line please Becci honey it is too much for any one person to go through alone
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
too many lives have been lost or taken around you.
please dont let yours be.
please hold on becci.
i feel its a tall order even asking you to hold on......but you are so worth it sweet girl.
again...i love you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
*hugs* I can't imagine what you're going through but I'm sorry you feel so down and I wish there was something I could do to help. Please look after yourself.
More hugs coming your way. Please try and hang in there - and keep talking on here - I'd repeat everything Hammi said. You are worth saving and things will get better - even though that seems impossible to you right now.
You have an amazing way with words, I am just sorry that you have so much pain you need to write about - you don't desrve to feel this way or to have been treated this way.
Take care, xxx
Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of it’s ending – is there a chance it could ever turn real?
My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*
things are so hard right now....but i'm still alive.
still alive and still trying all i can to fight, but its so much easier to say than to do.
I only wish things were simple....just a little bit simple would do me just fine.
i guess things just aren't like that.
between crying and sitting in a catatonic glaze i've managed to eat every now and then , smoke, drink, take my meds as close to how i should as i can manage, trying to trick myself into being highly functional hoping that i'll believe its real at some point.
i'm stuck in being conscious of every breath and the chore that it is to continue. every foot step rings right through my body like i'm wearing moonboots and trudging through a swamp all at once..
stuck between whether to self injure or whether its too much effort...thats the only down side to self distruction...the cleaning, i dont Want to look after wounds..i just dont care
should get things seen to but thats caring...and i dont...**** should.
i know i should hang on. i should see some level of hope- somewhere. i should look after myself. i should care...but i dont
the reality of it is i couldnt give two shits about me
i've been round and round in the circles of hanging on for a better time and hoping for something better my entire life, things dont get better...they just get added to ....more **** comes along and adds to the **** that was already there ...it doesnt get better and it doesnt go away
no matter how much i seek help. no matter how much i want it to
i've tried being non defeatist, i've tried believing in myself, as hard as it was....its pointless...it doesn't help, trying to kid myself things will be ok if i think they will...bollocks
You're right - professionals are there, but they don't want to help me. I've asked and pleaded for their support. They've granded me funding for therapy, that is thus far non existant. I've been treading water for years to try to keep myself from going under. Clinging to hopes that don't really exist.
If only there was a friend to call..maybe i'd call. if only there was a level of hope ..maybe i'd hold strong to it. if only there were someone to hold on for...maybe i could be strong. if only words could save a life. who knows.
don't really know what to do with myself. feeling weaker and weaker with each moment, typing and typing yet again in a hope to find a level of strength, perhaps its just a vain attempt to create the thing i'm looking for...but i don't know what it is im looking for.
i mean , no one said life should be an easy ride. maybe life is supposed to be a huge pile of **** from start to finish- but if thats the case...why not get off the ride early?
i often feel as though i'm whining...being a melancholy piece of ****, but the words come as a write, my apologies if i come across that way- i've no other means of expression.
i dont know anymore, did i ever know? what was there to know in the first place? i've loved and lost my entire life. lost predominantly
i'm missing them all so much. my babies, my sister, my friends...i miss everyone. i look back and think - why the hell am i still missing them, but when i think about it...a couple of years is nothing...i guess missing people is natural.
i'm lost really. lost.hurting.afraid.self destructing.
cant help but think , with everyone lost, i'm alone. essentially. its just me against the world...but i dont want to fight.
i know my life shouldnt be dependent on other people but can someone be solitary always? even with the little company there is , i can't be myself. they dont know me.
the people that know and care the most about me i've never met. never heard their voices. never
*sending you lots of warm thoughts* I'm sorry you feel so alone. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, just wanted you to know I read it and am thinking of you. Hope you feel a bit better soon hun
I don't know you in real life either but you seem someone with a lot to offer and a lot of insight and i care too
Would this be a point where hospital could be an option? I was in a similar place to you and came into hospital and at least you don't have to worry about things like meds and eating and taking care of yourself.
Maybe talking to someone at a&e at this point would be a good idea to see if there are any short term options to get you through?
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
the knot, the ball, its there , sitting in my stomach...forcing the urges..no rest. only one way. love you too, but there is only one way.it wont leave me alone
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