I'm new at this site, so I don't know of I'm posting in the right place. In any case, I just want to let it all out. I have to warn you, this may be long.
Right. So I fear that I may be going through a depression. If I'm not yet, I probably will very, very soon. The reason that I'm resorting to talking about all of this in this forum and not to my friends is that I'm not one of those people who can easily talk about my problems with everyone. I hate showing any sign of weakness and/or vulnerability, even to my family. For some reason, I find it comforting knowing that you don't know me personally (no offense). It's easier to spill my guts to strangers than to the people closest to me (weird, but true).
Now, to the main point(s). Are you ready kids? You might be in for a long ride.
I'm 19 years old, a college student in California, and Mexican. Normally, me being Mexican wouldn't be the most important thing about me, I'm many other things, but the fact that I am Mexican is probably the main reason that I'm going through this depression. The story is as follows: My parents came from Mexico to California shortly before I was born. When I was two months old, they decided to go back. I grew up in Mexico until I was 7, when my parents decided to come back. My sister had been born in Mexico meanwhile. I am the only American citizen in my family. When I was 8 after moving around several times, we found our fairy godmother. An American woman who was childless and never married, hired my father to do some work in her house and before we knew it she offered to let us rent a room in her house. As the years went by, we all became a family. I had a very happy childhood thanks to her. I grew up thinking my existence was idyllic.
Remember how I said I'm the only American in my family? My parents and my sister never became actual Alien Residents. They entered the country legally but when the passports expired, they just stayed. So they were illegal. [Spare the arguments on immigration. I have no political agenda here, it's just part of the story] However, throughout my high school years my father tried to start the process of becoming a resident. When I was 17 my father found an immigration lawyer who promised him residency and citizenship-the works. The thing was, he wasn't an immigration lawyer, just an asshole swindler. He took thousands of my father's money and in the process also took away my father's chances of becoming a legal resident. the strange thing was, after that episode, Immigration did nothing. We kept waiting for a letter, a call, a 'surprise' visit and nothing. So we thought nothing was going to be wrong. My father started the process again and I started university and all was well. A year ago in April, we had a huge family reunion. I can safely say it was one of the happiest moments of my life. In retrospect, it should have tipped me off right there. Apparently, too much happiness is bad. Days after our return home a letter of deportation arrived for my father. And that's when my whole world turned upside down.
At first I thought that there was a chance. He'd been cheated, surely that must count for something? And it did count: $20,000 to be exact. The best part about that? $20,000 we didn't have for a court case couldn't ensure that my father would be able to stay. So he decided to leave. My mother, sister, and I stayed. He was the sole breadwinner of our family. My mother couldn't- and can't- work because she's illegal, my sister's too young, and I'm school, which doesn't leave me much time for a job. The job I do have doesn't pay well and I use to support myself. We have survived due to our fairy godmother. God knows how much we owe her. Trying to get used to the fact that your family has been separated and it will be separated for years to come is not easy. I have have the tendency to ignore my problems. If I don't think about them, they're not there and I can pretend everything's fine and dandy. Which it isn't, of course. My mother, whom I suspect is going through a depression herself, feels powerless to do anything. She can't leave because I'm here and my sister's here. My sister has resorted to rebellious behavior to cope, which adds more to my mother. My father, whom is so strong and resilient, is showing signs of despair. And then there's me. Trying to pretend nothing is wrong, made easier by me living at school. I refuse to talk about anything of the subject. Since I'm the only who can I see him, my father looks forward to my visits but I've stopped going. It's too hard. When I'm with him I'm constantly reminded of the situation , how unfair everything is and I can't stand it. So I don't go anymore, putting up excuses knowing I'm hurting him and feeling completely selfish because I know my mother or my sister would do anything to be in my place.
It's all eating inside me. I hate crying but there are times when I just break down. My moods change rapidly and there are times when I just want to give up. I just want to disappear, to escape, to forget about everything and everyone because it seems that nothing will ever be alright again. There are times when getting up in the morning seems useless. Is it going to bring my father back? Is it going to help my mother with money. And now, the only thing that I've been looking forward to, the light at the end of my tunnel, seems to be in jeopardy due to this mess. It never seems to stop. Just when I manage to think that everything WILL turn out alright another curve ball comes at me and destroys any semblance of hope that I've managed to put together. It never f****ing stops and I'm at the end of my rope. I don't want to be like this. I want to be happy again. I want to have faith that life isn't as messed up as it seems.
And so there you have it. Congratulations to all those who've actually read this whole thing. Please reassure me that it's just some blip, and that many years from now I'll be able to look back on this and just say it was no reason to give up hope.
hey sweetie, im sorry things are so tough for you at the moment. i cant even begin to imagine what it must feel like for you. i know that doesnt really help you much, but i wanted you to know that you are being so strong, having to study and support your family must be really tough, especially being the only one who can see your dad. im sure he'll understand why you can't go see him, even if he does like the visits, he will be able to understand that its hard for you too.
is there a counselor or anyone that you can talk to about whats going on? i know you said that you find it easier to talk to people who dont know you personally, but maybe talking to some one will help you be able to deal with all thats going on around you.
anyway, that was probably a pretty pointless post, and im sorry for that, but i just wanted you to know that i read you post.
take care of yourself.
the most important things are the hardest things to say...
...And you make revelations that cost you the most, only to have people look at you in a funny way.
not understanding what you've said at all, or why you though it was so important that you almost cried when you were saying it.
Hey there, first off, welcome to ryl, I sincerely hope you find it helpful. Now, can you try and describe a little bit about why you think you may be suffering from depression/beginning to suffer? The more information we have, the more we can help you, and there are a lot of depressives on this site so we might be able to give you an incling whether or not you have it, though of course we an't provide any kind of sure medical opinion.
It's completely understandable that you prefer to talk about things with people you don't know, this way you can insure confidentiality and don't have to deal with the emotions and thoughts of people close to you. Here you don't have to excuse or explain yourself, we get it. Have you any idea why you find it hard to show people you are struggling though? Because admitting you need help is one of the hardest, strongest things to do, and to be honest you are only being weak when you let the fear of getting help stop you getting what you need.
However if you aren't ready to talk to anyone face to face we are here for you, and you can post anytime, and though a reply may take a while as everyone here has there own issues and so on, eventually someone will give you some support. Also if you look at the top of your forums there is a Live Assistance icon, and if you click on that if you are desperate a supporter will either talk to you there and then in an IM set up, or will reply to your email as soon as they come online. As a member of that team I invite you to pm me anytime you need a chat and a listening ear.
Wow sounds like you are having a really hard time there sweetheart, no wonder you are struggling! *cuddles you* do you have any kind of support network at all? A school counseller, a good friend, your 'fairy godmother'? You don't have to tell them your problems, just make it clear that understandably you are under immense pressure and need some time to talk it out and maybe get access to some advice on what to do. Please try not to beat yourself up about not going to see your father-everyone needs to use a little self preservation and I'm pretty sure that if he knew how badly this was affecting you he would much rather you didn't visit than cause yourself even more distress.
I honestly have no idea what to do about your situation, my only advice would be to try and talk to a counseller, trusted teacher or friend who knows the country and might have some ideas on what to do. I think you are handling this astoundingly well and I hope you can be at least a teeny bit proud of yourself. Also try and remember, hard as it is, your mother and your sister though you love them are not your responsibility.
I strongly suspect from the way you described it if you do have depression it is caused by factors in your environment and not chiefly a chemical inbalance-both are extremely difficult to deal with and get over, but it is entirely possible, and the type you are describing has a much better rate of complete recover. A doctor or nurse would be able to analyse your moods and such better than we can, do you have a school nurse or access to a GP doctor that you could talk to about your moods?
take care, keep fighting, well done for getting this out,
katy
xxx
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
hey uh. welcome to this site i hope it helps you like it has helped so many others.
i understand about how its easier to talk to someone you dont know personally. perhaps this is because we dont want to let down the people the closest to us in real life. and here we can seek unbiased opinions and advice.
its horrible what happened to your family after spending so much money for your father to be able to stay.it is unfair what has happened but hey you will one day all be back together, try think about that aspect.
life is hard, and its very hard for you right now but there is light at the end of the tunnel, its just a bit further away than a lot of peoples, but that does not mean that you cant make it through this. because you will hun, just please stay strong and you can do it. things wont always be like this and there are many happy years ahead of you to come with your entire family in one place:)
Hey, sorry I've been MIA. I've been busy with school which helps to take my mind off things. Thanks for your words of support. They do make me feel better. I get these bouts of optimism, when I feel like things aren't going so bad. Before, at the beginning of this whole situation, I believed these bouts were more or less permanent, that it couldn't possibly get any worse. Now I don't trust them. If anything, these past few months have me expect things to happen. It just seems like it'll keep getting worse and worse. I've lost all my optimism. It's really hard to believe that everything will be alright when everything around you seems to be falling apart.
I do think that if I do have depression, it's not a chemical imbalance, it's brought on by this whole situation. I just know that I'm not the same person I was before.
