When I was first dating my ex girlfriend, she told me that her 2 exes (the fathers of her 2 children) were dangerous and she was hiding from them. (she since told me she had not seen either in years and both had lost interest in her). But she used to say how violent they were, how they would come to kill us etc. Her last ex before me was an arab guy, and she would talk about him all the time. One day she would be wistful and nostalgic and go on about how great and interesting he was and how much she missed him. Then the next day she would say how he was dangerous, he had let a friend of his r*pe her, his brother had killed people in their country and he was coming with his brother to honor kill us. Then the next day she would be wistful and nostalgic again and going on about how great he was all day. Then the next day scaring me again.
One day she thought she saw the father of her 1st child out the window (though he did not know even what country we lived in) and spent the day scared and shouting at me and I didnt know what was going on. Then she said it was all fuss about nothing, she exagerated, he was just a bit wild but i would like him if i met him. The next day she was telling me horror stories about him tracking her down in another place, smashing in windows and r*ping her.
this whole thing has left me feeling really bad. Also she was angry and agressive and took it out on me all the time when she was unhappy. (social workers kept coming round to check on the kids so she always stressed and obsesive about the house looking perfect). She not violent but shouting, slamming doors, telling me i was crap etc. Then the next day she is nice and loving again, like a different person. also she constantly talks about rape and violence and other bad men in her life.
this whole thing has made me feel really crazy and bad about being a man, male violence etc. the time i was with her i felt jealous of her exes as she was scared of them but looked down on me. i could scare her with being agresive but most of the time am too soft and didnt want to. i never thought i would feel so bad for not being a rapist or not having hurt girls (like the people she always talks about with respect/fear). i switch between feeling rage i cant cope with at these men ive never seen and jealousy at how exciting she thinks they are. also bad at the idea that i wouldnt be tough enough to fight them off if they came (which i know now was not gonna happen)
if i say this to her she would say "how can you say that, i dont respect them, they traumatised me" then the next day go back to going on about how great they are. I'm posting this here because i have hurt myself in a mania of feeling bad about relationship bad enough to be in a&e. im trying to stay away now but she is begging me to return.
Last edited by WhySoSerious : 16-11-2010 at 07:45 PM.
Reason: title not filled out
All I can really say is, do not return. Well, obviously it is your choice but do you *really* want to stay in this...mess(?). I can't call it a relationship, sorry...
If it is causing you to think hurting her would gain her respect...well..need I say more??
She needs help, esp. for the poor kids stuck in the middle of this.
It's an awful place to be, but it is your choice.
Is there anyone you can speak to about it all?
I was like this a year and a half ago. I was a complete mess. My boyfriend stuck around and helped me though. It cost him a lot (friendships, the sick bond he had with his mum, a year at uni, and so on), but he truly loves me. And yeah, sometimes he hits me but apparently that's because I told him I scream because I love him. With any other man, I wouldn't scream no matter how much I seem to idolise them.
By making me scream, he makes sure he knows every single one of my alters love him no matter how hard they can make his life to be. I know it's wrong, he knows it's wrong, and we're trying to work on it.
You will get my fear when you rape me. But I think your ex girlfriend (and you) confuses fear with respect. It's not due to fear that anyone would love one another. It's due to love. And when the love's not there, the respect will not get there either.
No-one would stay in a relationship like the one you had. I'm sorry your ex-girlfriend is acting the way she is. I think you should ask yourself if you really love this girl and if you want to spend your life with her. Because no matter how screwed up I used to be, my boyfriend always saw my true potential as a girlfriend, a wife and eventually a mother. So he stood by me. And as I said, we're working on our issues.
So the decision's yours. Are you enough a fool / in love / mad / all three of those to take a shot at trying to fix her? Or are you missing the chance of true potential? If you think this relationship wouldn't have worked out anyway, then I think she's not worth the effort (well, she always is, but maybe not for you to make.) If you think she's the love of your life, then do as I told you, and think. Are you willing to make sacrifices in order to be able to love this woman for the rest of your life?
It's up to you.
RYL FAMILY
Jo (Newlife) is my daughter
Kat (Katnovia) is my sister
I think when we have relationship with people who have been badly hurt in the past, we get into their patterns. People often say that there are lessons we learn from abuse, so love and violence may be synonymous, and I think that as a partner to someone who has learnt these lessons, you learn lessons of your own.
So, perhaps in her case, she was frightened beyond belief by this man, and understandably so, but don't forget that there we probably others things happening in that relationship was well. So maybe in the aftermath, when she was struggling with overwhelming fear and shame, he was the one who comforted her. Maybe, in order to keep herself and children safe, she had to adore him and worship him. And I think that's what you're picking up on.
You must be walking around constantly worrying which side of the spectrum she'll be on. That kind of tension where you aren't sure you know what you're coming home to?
I wonder if she's had multiple abusive partners? And if so, I wonder whether on some level she's waiting for you to snap and turn into the 'bad man'? That can be a frightening and, sometimes, self fulfilling prophecy.
And I guess, reading your post, these are the two things that strike me; that you might be picking up on her patterns and cycles and that she'll provoke you into playing the role of the 'bad man' and that you wanted to step back from that and stop feeding the cycles.
How are things now?
~x~
Last edited by Coffeemate : 17-11-2010 at 04:03 PM.
Reason: added detail
I think when we have relationship with people who have been badly hurt in the past, we get into their patterns. People often say that there are lessons we learn from abuse, so love and violence may be synonymous, and I think that as a partner to someone who has learnt these lessons, you learn lessons of your own.
So, perhaps in her case, she was frightened beyond belief by this man, and understandably so, but don't forget that there we probably others things happening in that relationship was well. So maybe in the aftermath, when she was struggling with overwhelming fear and shame, he was the one who comforted her. Maybe, in order to keep herself and children safe, she had to adore him and worship him. And I think that's what you're picking up on.
You must be walking around constantly worrying which side of the spectrum she'll be on. That kind of tension where you aren't sure you know what you're coming home to?
I wonder if she's had multiple abusive partners? And if so, I wonder whether on some level she's waiting for you to snap and turn into the 'bad man'? That can be a frightening and, sometimes, self fulfilling prophecy.
And I guess, reading your post, these are the two things that strike me; that you might be picking up on her patterns and cycles and that she'll provoke you into playing the role of the 'bad man' and that you wanted to step back from that and stop feeding the cycles.
How are things now?
~x~
Thanks Coffeemate, we are broken up and have been for a month. She has had a few abusive partners and her parents were nasty. I think your right about expecting me to turn into a bad man, as she seems to turn nasty and afraid asking for things where there is no need, like the first time i stayed when it was time to go she started saying "you do know that you have to go and if you dont i can call police" when i was making no sign at all of forcing her to make me stay. and she is provoking. it is self fulfilling. she has different personalities.
my boyfriend used to be a lot like this, though his stories were mostly fake and used to scare me to manipulate/gain control he admitted later. I broke up with him over it, you can't live with someone who does that. But in his case he realized how much he had lost and changed the problems. But I think that's a rare case, she needs a lot of help mentally and she needs to do that before she gets in a relationship with you. You have to look out for yourself too, and you can't make her happy if she's tearing you down all the time anyway. I'd really suggest making sure she is much more stable before ever considering getting back with her, in my case my boyfriend did have a lot of problems that made him act that way, but all it did was make me deteriorate and never helped him for me to allow him to behave as he did. I had to step back and let him change on his own.
Stereotypes are the epitome of human laziness.
- me
she needs a lot of help mentally and she needs to do that before she gets in a relationship with you. You have to look out for yourself too, and you can't make her happy if she's tearing you down all the time anyway. I'd really suggest making sure she is much more stable before ever considering getting back with her
This. Look out for yourself, make sure she can make you happy. My boyfriend stabilised me himself but he only did it because he's afraid of psychs. Please send her to a psych before you get involved with her. Hopefully she'll be helped with it.
RYL FAMILY
Jo (Newlife) is my daughter
Kat (Katnovia) is my sister
