Is something wrong???

[Muntende Kuli Ine]

Ok, I've not really been good at putting what I'm thinking or feeling into words lately... I'll try though.

I've not SI'd since May 9th..... and up until this past week, I haven't even wanted to... but, right now, I feel the urge too.. not strong... I believe I can resist it.... but, it's just annoying.... this little, annoying urge that lingers on... in the back of my mind for days on end.... I can't even tell you EXACTLY why I want to SI.... I just do.... maybe, just MAYBE, I haven't even really given much thought to this maybe, but maybe, I want to SI to show people that some things are still wrong, that I'm still not okay.. maybe to show people who think I'm doing better, that while I have improved in SOME ways, I'm still nowhere close to okay.... just because I'm taking steps to get my GED, just because I haven't had a major breakdown since May 9th, just because I've been smiling.... that doesn't mean I'm okay. I'M NOT.... I'm not horrible though... I have hope, I want to live, I'm ALIVE... but I'm not okay... I don't know if I'll ever really be 'okay'.... I feel like if I don't have people worrying about me, or if I don't see or think that people are concerned for me and my well-being, then maybe they don't know I'm not okay??... maybe they think I don't struggle??.. and for some reason that bothers me... I'm not sure why.... It's almost like, if I'm not struggling, then what am I??... that's all I've been for so long is a 'troubled kid'.. someone with 'issues'.. if people don't see me as that.. then what do they see me as???.... I'll admit.. I do sometimes create problems for myself in order to feel like I matter..... and maybe that's my problem... the fear of not mattering?? of not having a reason or a purpose??.... surprisingly, for the first time, writing things out have cleared some things up in my mind... IF, by chance, the reason I feel the need to SI, is because I feel I don't matter to anyone, and that by SI'ing I will matter, then, I know how to face that fear of not mattering.... but I don't know how to fill that void of not mattering to friends...(that probably made no sense, I'm not exactly being very clear right now).... I just feel very unsettled? uneasy? indifferent? right now... I'm not hopeless.. I'm not helpless, but.. I'm something... I feel very alone?? maybe?? I know I'm not really "alone"... I guess I mean alone in the sense of not having someone to talk to about everything..... (WARNING: I'm about to bring God into all this real quick.. so ignore if you don't believe or what not.. thnx) I know God is always there... I can talk to Him anytime... but, us humans were made with a social nature... I can't escape the longing for a human connection with someone... face to face.... someone who understands me.. I mean REALLY understands me... ( Ok.. it's fine for those of you who don't prefer to hear about God to start reading again )...... I feel disconnected from pretty much everything... I feel disconnected from events, people, places..... when I'm somewhere, I sometimes feel the slightest bit involved, and then other times I feel like I'm in a dream.. I see other people interacting with one another and showing all these emotions... and I stand there and feel like I'm not even there... I don't feel what I think they feel, I can't connect... I can sometimes though.. like, since the very beginning of this year, there have been only 2 events that I can get that "Feeling Connection"... At Dollywood during the Festival of Nations when the Zambian Vocal Group was there... I got the feeling connection there, and that's probably one of the reasons I wish they were still at D'wood... and the other event I get the "Feeling Connection" is at Dollywood, a show called Sha-kon-o-hey... I don't know why exactly I get the "feeling connection" at these two places... I can't put my finger on a specific factor that causes it... all I know is that these seem to be the only times I can really feel connected with people or events or a place.... also, most times whenever I leave a place, I can't remember how it felt to experience it, but I can remember how it feels to experience both of the for-mentioned events... Maybe this all sounds weirds or stupid.. Idk, but I'm weird and stupid so whatever... I just can't shake this feeling that something isn't right.... I don't know what to do about it....

Sorry for this long and probably senseless post.... I think it turned out to be more of me thinking out loud than anything... any comments are appreciated... thanks

[Shenanigans]

It's natural for people who have suffered from depression to feel very uneasy with getting better. When you are so used to a dark cloud over your life it can be very disconcerting when that cloud lifts because you're not sure how to react to life without depression.
It's also natural with depression that when people aren't asking if you're ok or worrying about you, you feel you don't matter. You become accustomed to believing that when people worry they care and love for you and find it discouraging when that constant support seems to dwindle away.
It's very difficult to learn to live with life without depression when it is something you have lived with for a very long time. But things will get better. It's a matter of learning how to connect and find your meaning in life without depression. It's very easy to believe that your problems define you and who are you without them, especially if you have suffered for a long time.
I'm sorry I don't have much advice but I wanted to comment and let you know I understand and things WILL get better. You've done amazingly so far and it's very positive that you're working so hard on getting better. Remember to let people know when you're not ok so they can support you when you need it. Just because you haven't SI'd and DO have hope doesn't mean you don't need and can't ask for some support to help you along.
Take care and stay strong, you should be very proud of yourself for how well you're doing!
Xxx