Triggering (SI/OD) - Lots of things. (Inc. Agoraphobia/Social Phobia/rant etc)

Hi guys,

This will probably be long and..bleurgh. I need some encouragement/support for tomorrow.

Basically i've suffered quite severely with agoraphobia/social phobia for a year and a half now.
I can *just* about make it to my doctors (which is like..2 minutes from me in the car) - but i only go once every 6 weeks - but i speak weekly to my GP on the phone. I rely far too heavily on my parents to help me out in paying my bills at the bank and getting my shopping/prescriptions.

Anyway. My CPN Gemma wants to take me out tomorrow at 4pm. -Cue Panic-
I've been good the past few weeks. Irene (Morrigan) came to mine 3 weeks ago now (just under) and i managed to make it to my local shop which is litrali 3 minutes from me - but then, i was pretty wrecked on all sorts, so i didn't have time to think about it.

I've also managed to go to my opticians to get my eyes tested (for the first time in 4 years) but i was really anxious/sweaty and panicky. I'm not good in strange places (well "strange" in the sense that i'm no longer used to them).

I managed to see my lovely GP on Friday and we chatted for ages - i managed to write him a letter and give it to him and i've NEVER done that in my life. He gave me his email address (never heard of a GP to give out email addresses - he also offered his mobile number but i'd prefer email) for when i need him/want to talk. (Been seeing him for 2 years now). I honestly, truely, wouldn't have gotten this far without him. Out of all the professionals i've seen, it seems slightly ironic that my GP would be the person i trust the most.

I'm meant to be going out on Saturday to my friends house in a village about 20 minutes from here. This will be the first time i have gone out this far in..a very very long time, and i'll also be staying over. I'm really anxious about it. We will be getting sloshed, which i know will help with my anxiety but i'm starting to get panicky about going.

Then Gemma (CPN) sprung this on me this morning - about going out tomorrow afternoon. I'm really petrified. I'm going to take all my medication before i go but i don't want to dissapoint her but i know she wants me to go at my own pace, but right now i feel so much pressure from my MH team that i just..i don't know..feel too overwhelmed and upset.

I feel like i'm doing this for everyone but myself. No one believes me when i say i don't want to be here and i find it incredibly frustrating trying to articulate myself when i'm distressed. It isn't a case of not wanting to be "like this" anymore, and thinking of suicide as an escape, i actually truely don't want to be here, and i'm struggling with all these..new things being thrown in my direction to work on when i don't even want a future.

I've not wanted to be here for years, even when i was a child i felt out of sorts and that i didn't "belong". I feel ultimately it's my choice to whether or not i stay or go, because it IS my life, it IS my body, but there's always something that ends up going wrong when i make plans and it screws with my head.

My SI is on the increase. It's the only thing i can think of that remotely helps my anxiety. I can't stand my anxiety. If i just had my BPD/depression/agoraphobia - fine, but i feel my anxiety is the worst part of it and i just can't cope with constantly feeling like i'm being throttled.

My consultant psychiatrist sat in my living room and for 15 minutes was spinning off all these things on how to get better. I felt so overwhelmed the moment he left i ended up self harming. I would expect someone of that profession to understand it's a matter of taking very teeny tiny baby steps (even my GP said this without me saying it) but he just expects me to do all these things straight away and then i'll be "all better again". It doesn't work like that. F*ck i wish it was, then maybe i wouldn't be like this in the first place.

I'm just all over the place at the moment and finding it difficult to control my moods. I feel very alone in that i have no one to talk to anymore, and i end up spending most nights crying from feeling so abandoned and lonely. I text people for company but i'm lucky if i recieve replies, but i find the majority of the time it's me doing the chasing and i feel like history is repeating itself when it comes to keeping friendships.
I'm exhausted because i stress over the stupidest of things, and end up not sleeping. Sleeping is something everyone needs to function properly - without it we would all be screwed. But no matter how many Temazepam/Diazepam i take, i will still be wide awake, and i can't help not sleeping anymore.

I want to sort my meds out so i can somehow regulate my moods more. Right now i've just been put on Quetiapine and i'm now on 100mg and increasing by 50mg every week.
But i find it so overwhelming that people expect so much of me. It makes me feel like a failure and that nothing is worth it.

Sorry, this sounded really ranty and moany. Just needed to get it off my chest.

If you got this far you can have a cookie.
x

[sherlock holmes]

I suffer from anxiety and my CPN is encouraging me to go out more. We've planned to go to costa coffee next week and I'm shitting myself quite frankly. We went in there last week and I was very tense, and in some ways it worse knowing I have to go back next week.

But at the same time I know that rationally there is nothing to be afraid of. Nothing bad happened and I managed. It helps knowing that I'm with my CPN and she talks me through my anxiety.

It sounds good that your CPN will help you and go at your own pace. You can turn back anytime, try not to feel under pressure. You'll do better if you're in control of things.

[whirlpools]

would you feel able to tell your psychiatrist that putting all of this pressure on you is only going to make things worse? i agree with you that it's best to take things in more manageable bits than jump in the deep end.

maybe you could try practicing going out before your CPN comes. i mean, literally, like just outside your front door with an mp3 player or something. i'm not sure if this would be helpful or just make it worse. i used to be agoraphobic (though not as bad as yours is) and i remember how hard it is. one thing is perhaps asking Gemma if you could just go out for ten or fifteen minutes tomorrow, and building it up bit-by-bit. xxx

[sherlock holmes]

Yeah, like Laura said, it might be worth practicing going out. I try to get out for a short walk everyday because if I dont it just gets harder. I take my ipod and have it up really loud, it helps drown out any anxiety thoughts.

I can go out into the garden OK, although i get paranoid the next door neighbours are looking over there fences when they aren't.
My psychiatrist did say the majority of my agoraphobia is made up with social phobia, i'm more scared about being around people, crowds, strangers, i feel everyone is staring at me - no, i KNOW they're staring at me i'm that convinced. I start sweating, and having panic attacks, i get jittery (moving my hands, shaking, moving my legs if i'm sitting down) - then i have to get away before i feel like i'm going to die (that's litrali how i feel).

So it's a mix of both agoraphobia - going out is daunting - but i'm also scared/petrified of people.

We're going in the car to my local Riverside Park - it'll be hopefully quiet - and i'm going to feed the ducks to distract myself. Because of my back problems i'm going to have to find a bench of some sort as i can't stand for long periods and Gemma & i will chat like we do at home. But i told her if at any point i start to get anxious i want to go home, because i'm not going to force myself to stay out longer than is necessary to please her/other people. I can't do it because it will just make me so much worse :/

I just wish i had other people around me in real life who were supporting of me. My family don't support me..so i can't rely on them, and the only bestfriend i have (friend at all) in real life is not really interested in me all that much. Which leaves me on my own.

My psychiatrist is quite..arrogant. He told me i'd go to hell if i killed myself and i laughed because i was so shocked someone of that profession could say something like that to someone who is mentally ill. I seem to always get the oddballs when it comes to psychiatrists - the last one i had laughed in my face (several times) and kept saying "Well be happy you aren't hearing voices" - yes that really helped. Idiot.

*Sigh* Just fed up. Of everything.