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Rant - never enough...*trigger:suicide/ed*...sorry, kinda long
don't feel like you have to respond. just needed to vent...
my days are spent cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, or helping someone else out. i don't mind helping others, i actually find it a good distraction. it's just that sometimes it gets frustrating. it's like i clean one room, move on to the next, and when that one's done the first one i did is messed up again. constant dishes and laundry. i get to shower maybe once or twice a week because i can never find the time and i don't like showering at night. the other day i spent all day cleaning. my dad got home from work and asked me what i was doing, i told him i was going to take a shower. he asked what i did all day and i told him i cleaned. things were a little cluttered, not too bad. he just laughed in a way that was like 'sure you did.' my mom tried dividing up jobs for us kids to do today. one of my brothers saw the list and what he was supposed to do, at something, and went to sleep in the office for about four hours so no one would be able to find him. i ended up doing his job, taking out the trash which took all of five min at the most. my sister read it and said she'd do it later, which is code for when she feels like it or in a couple days. my other sister read it, said she didn't want to do it and sat down to watch tv. so while she was watching tv i took down the easter decorations (her 'job'), all six of them. something that also took less than five minutes. on saturday we're have a church thing here at our house. so everything has to be spotless. i'm going to be working my ass off. like i said before i don't mind it usually cause it helps distract me. and the ed part of my brain tells me that it's a good way to burn cals and avoid eating. with the amount of diet soda that i drink i swear my bloodtype is caffine. anyways, i don't know. i'm just tired of it. and i found out not too long ago that my youngest sis is pregnant. maybe a miracle will happen and it'll help her grow up. but i doubt it. it's just going to give her more excuses not to help out around here. like being too tired, not feeling well, needing to rest. and after the arrival i know i'm gonna hear about the changing and the feeding and the midnight crying... my other sis got pregnant too when she was still in high school. i helped her by babysitting and stuff when she was in college. a while ago, before i found out about my lil sis, i hoped she would get knocked up (i knew she was stupid enough to keep having unprotected sex) and swore to myself that i would do nothing to help her. we all knew she was doing it. my other sis even offered to help get her on birth control, but she just kept denying that she was even having sex. so yeah, that's on the plate too. i am just so tired of all of this. i can't do everything all of the time, no one can. yet i still try. i swear i've had enough. amidst all this i am trying to deal with my depression, sh urges, suicidal thoughts, and all the other crap that is in my head. i can't take it anymore. i have everything i need to kill myself. i'm standing at the edge of life not knowing what's standing behind me waiting to give me the final shove.
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