Is This What It Feels Like?

Fates Reaper · 03-01-2009, 06:03 PM

Hello... my name is Fayte, and I am a crazy person, or at least I think so. For years I have been coping with these "voices" in my head, they are all different but two are very prominent. But lets go back some. When I was around the age of 10 (I think, its all starting to run together now) I started to hear these strange voices, like the voices of hundreds of children drying out for help, as if they had lost their parents. It made me very very sad, but I ignored it thinking it was the area I was living in. I started to develop anger problems because they made it hard to sleep and being tired makes me do weird things. When I was maybe 14 (once more I have no clue I cant keep track of time) I was approached in a dream by something that offered to take away the anger, he told me he would keep me from hurting anyone else. This "thing" never told me what it was, but I identified it as "Silence" because thats what it is, a void in which all emotion is taken away, an area of Emotional Silence.

Sience then I have almost constantly been hearing his voice and one other, a child, who seems to feel lost and alone, carrying with him a small doll and asking for help fixing "it". The image of the child came to me in another dream some time after Silence. I was in an abandoned hotel looking place, like one of those old run down hotels that if you dont get a cockroach in your food you are like gifted by god, except it was a hotel I dont think. Anyway I was walking past the front desk and I saw a door, it was open so I peered in and what I saw was a small room, stained white walls a window, and the child in the corner in the fetal position holding a small figure doll. He looked up at me with tear filled eyes and said "Help me mommy. Please help me fix it." he help up the doll and thats when I woke up.

The image of that place, and the voice of that child has stayed with me.

Since having those two dreams I have been plauged with voices in my head, drawing me towards people and then scaring them away, and I cant shake the feeling that maybe this is just me.

Now I am at my breaking point, over the past month I have had two hysteric episodes, where I spent like 30 mins laughing about nothing trying to stop myself not even really able to stand, much less move, taking a few minute break only to cry inbetween the laughter. I am afraid of what happens next, I have been harboring all this rage and anger for years, and I hope this is not it, not the point where it all comes out and I am just so afraid, for myself, but more so for those around me who will end up hurt.

Please, I have felt this anger welling up inside of me again, and I am afraid that my past nine years of working to control it will fail. Is this what it feels like? Am I finally losing it all?

... I'm almost afraid to know ...

jellytot · 03-01-2009, 06:08 PM

have you ever spoken to your family doctor

Fates Reaper · 03-01-2009, 06:17 PM

I am afraid to talk to a doctor, I fear what they would tell me, and what they would do.

ravynsoul · 03-01-2009, 08:25 PM

Hi Fayte,

I don't know if you are losing it or not, but I can understand how that would be worriesome. What do you mean that you fear what the doctors would tell you? Sorry my brain's a little tired today, so I just want to understand what you're saying.

Take care.

Stellata · 03-01-2009, 08:29 PM

What is your experience of your childhood?

Misunderstood. · 03-01-2009, 08:32 PM

If it's any consolation, it's impossible to lose your mind.
I can empathize with the anger problems making you have trouble sleeping and if you are prone to psychosis then one insufficient nights sleep can knock you off kilter for the next day. It does me too.
Not that I know what's exactly wrong.

I think you should speak to your doctor, don't be afraid of the consequences, they can't make you do anything and will at the most refer you to someone who will share their opinion on what is wrong and the reasoning for these dreams and hysteria and such.

x x x x

Cryptic. · 03-01-2009, 08:35 PM

Those who "lose it" aren't usually aware. So, you aren't "losing it". Maybe speaking to a doctor will help you though, it could improve your life for the better. I know it's hard to trust doctors, but they try to help you as best they can, some are pretty crud, but some are amazing & do wonders in peoples lives.

x I hope you feel better soon&speak to someone...

Fates Reaper · 04-01-2009, 01:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ravynsoul

What do you mean that you fear what the doctors would tell you?

I am afraid that I am indeed losing it, and the doctors will tell me so as well, and that I will be told to go on meds (which I don't want to ever have to do) or be placed in a psych ward. I also have this irrational fear that if my doctor declares me "crazy" in any way that somehow people will find out and everyone will see I'm crazy and I wont be able to get a job and such.

Horizon · 04-01-2009, 04:52 AM

While you may not want to go on meds, what is the alternative? Living this way, untreated? It doesn't sound pleasant, so if meds can help, then why not?

As far as jobs go, there are laws against discrimination.

Ms Tears Keep Fallin · 04-01-2009, 05:20 AM

as someone else has already mentioned when you think you losing your mind that a sure fire way to know you havn't lost it just yet but you do sound like you need some help and support meds are not the only options in your situation but asking for help is take care and go ask your gp for help its the next brave step best wishes tia x

Target Dawn · 04-01-2009, 12:46 PM

I don't think anyone can truly say that have 'lost it' if they are questioning whether or not they are sane. Nevertheless, you shouldn't avoid doctors altogether because you obviously want this to stop. They might not put you on meds, or in a psych ward or they might do both...you just never know until you speak with them. However, the alternative, living how you are now, sounds less pleasant than doing what you need to do to help all of this to go away.

Also, even if a psychologist/psychiatrist does diagnose you with something, it doesn't mean you can't get a job. Many people with mental health problems are able to work and employers can't discriminate against you if you do happen to have an illness.

Fates Reaper · 16-01-2009, 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss-Ruby

Also, even if a psychologist/psychiatrist does diagnose you with something, it doesn't mean you can't get a job. Many people with mental health problems are able to work and employers can't discriminate against you if you do happen to have an illness.

May I inject a correction here, this should be,

"Also, even if a psychologist/psychiatrist does diagnose you with something, it doesn't mean you can't get any job. Many people with mental health problems are able to work and it is unlawful for employers to discriminate against you if you do happen to have an illness."

There are jobs I want where regardless of state or federal law I could still lose my job for this. My girlfriend lost a job due to the fact she was bipolar and needed psych meds. So the "Employers cant discriminate" is just a line.

This is getting worse, I am becoming more and more afraid of what will happen with me. I am now getting images of those I was hated dying by my hands. Watching myself kill people and the strangest thing, I dont even know why Im telling you all this, I thought it was funny and sad.

I dont have time now I have work soon, I'll post later