Schiz. just getting worse and worse...

Steel Maiden · 11-10-2008, 02:31 PM

As you know I have paranoid schizophrenia.

I've been looking at my mental state over the past six years (going back through my memories etc) and I observe that I have progressively got worse and worse over these six years.

Teenage angst to depression to self-harm and suicide attempts to psychotic episodes to schizophrenia.

That's pretty much how it goes.

I used to be 95% well in between my psychotic episodes and my psychotic episodes were not as bad as they are these days. Now I am only 50% well in between psychotic episodes and the 3 most recent ones have been really severe.

My point is is that even though I am on 25mg of olanzapine, I am getting more and more problems mentally every week.

Is schizophrenia degenerative? Can it just get worse and worse despite medical intervention? Will I end up residential in a psychiatric ward in a permanent psychotic state?

I'm really scared because every month my mental health gets relatively worse.

I'm scared that the schizophrenia will take me over and ruin my life for good. It feels like a growing parasite in my body.

yanna · 11-10-2008, 02:53 PM

i think unfortunatly scitzophrenia does get worse over time, tho i'm not sure where i got this from (i have known sufferers and read and watched documentories about it, so i do know a bit even if i can't pinpoint a source).

counteracting this however, is that people can through therapy learn to deal with it better so it is not such a big disruption in their lives. eg. some programs teach how to identify hallucinations as hallucinations, and how to not let yourself be as moved by them.
this means people can be content and productive in spite of having some pretty awful symptoms.

things also do go up and down over time, so you may be having a temporary bad time, and hopefully an up-turn is coming soon for you.

~yanna~

Steel Maiden · 11-10-2008, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yanna

i think unfortunatly scitzophrenia does get worse over time, tho i'm not sure where i got this from (i have known sufferers and read and watched documentories about it, so i do know a bit even if i can't pinpoint a source).

counteracting this however, is that people can through therapy learn to deal with it better so it is not such a big disruption in their lives. eg. some programs teach how to identify hallucinations as hallucinations, and how to not let yourself be as moved by them.
this means people can be content and productive in spite of having some pretty awful symptoms.

things also do go up and down over time, so you may be having a temporary bad time, and hopefully an up-turn is coming soon for you.

~yanna~

Thanks Yanna for the information. I have heard similarly in documentaries and internet resources that schizophrenia can get worse. I am trying to contact my tutor in order to discuss this with him, but he hasn't replied to the e-mail yet.
I am awaiting a new psychiatrist in Cambridge. I am hoping that my new one will be good.
I will discuss this with the relevant people because I am honestly worried that I will end up having to throw my whole life away because this illness is eating me up.
Already I am taking twice as long to complete work because of my thought disorders. The Voices are annoying at best of times (hence need for music constantly) and the Men in Suits, that black cat and my Guardian Angel are all following me. The paranoid thoughts in my head are murderous and it is preventing me from talking to the other students, so I spend whole days being within groups of people (i.e. lectures), but not actually interacting with people. As I already mentioned in the other thread, my thought processes are affected so talking is difficult.

BASICALLY...I'M IN DEEP SH*T.

I have ambitions; I don't want my illness to take me over.

Heidi Tiger · 11-10-2008, 04:56 PM

I too have heard tales of schizophrenia getting worse as time progresses, but then I have also heard of cases of it getting better. Have you heard of Rufus May? He was diagnosed schizophrenic in his teens but is now a famous psychologist. It might be worth googling him if you want something to prove to yourself that people can get better.

snailonvalium · 11-10-2008, 06:09 PM

maybe its time to look at a different med?
schizophrenia doesnt have to get worse,and drag you down.
my brother has the same diag as you,and he's doing a lot better now than he was about 5 years ago,it took a while to find the right med,but he's def improved a lot.

Steel Maiden · 11-10-2008, 07:19 PM

You may all have a point that I might be on the wrong meds. The only antipsychotic I haven't tried is Quetiapine (Seroquel). But I hear its pretty much the same as Olanzapine (Zyprexa), which I am on now.

I'll look up Rufus May, Heidi Tiger, thanks for the suggestion.

To be honest, I'm sick with fighting this illness if it keeps fighting with me. I've tried for four years now to get out of this black hole, and the only result I got was more hospitalisations, A&E visits, police coming to my house etc...

The Voices want me to stay up all night so I won't take my meds tonight.

NO I SHOULDN'T DO THAT.

But I will.

I SHOULDN'T DO IT.

I have to listen to the Voices...

NO

YES

****.

This is a similar conversation to the ones I have with the Voices, except that they address me in the 2nd or 3rd person.

I am tired of fighting. I am drained.

The pressure of this Cambridge course is so high that its probably making my illness worse.

But I don't want a year out. I want to carry on.

So I will try.

Sigh.

Thanks people.

I am waiting for my Tutor to e-mail me back.

pixiedust · 11-10-2008, 07:24 PM

Olympia, please take your meds. They'll help you to fight this illness.

I got stripes · 11-10-2008, 07:25 PM

Another person you could look up would be John Nash who was diagnosed with schizophrenia but was really good at maths (which if memory serves me aren't you pretty good at that too steel maiden?) and went on to win the nobel prize.

whirlpools · 11-10-2008, 07:28 PM

take the medication. sorry if that sounds blunt, lol, but seriously. the more regularly and properly you take your medication, the less likely it will be that you end up going permanently downhill. i know how scary it is to have voices and threats telling you not to take your meds, but as a psychiatrist once said to me "you could end up very ill. it's in your hands." also, it is dangerous, i heard, to take antipsychotics then suddenly stop them - it can make psychosis actually worse.

Steel Maiden · 11-10-2008, 07:58 PM

Ok OK I will take my meds. I will. The Voices are b*ggers and can frankly f*ck off. They can't harm me because they're in my head right? They're not physical beings so they can't physically hurt me? But they can hurt me mentally! They disturbed me in lectures and one of the Men in Suits kept signing and signalling to me during the lecture, but I managed to get enough information during the lecture to write down enough notes, so I didn't miss anything major, luckily.

I will be joining the gym, badminton club and athletics club next week. Sport is good for your mental health, right?

I'm trying. I'm trying to not let p.s. win over me.

I have watched A Beautiful Mind so I do know about John Nash, and I am inspired.

I have to go now and attempt to do some chemistry revision followed by some physics homework. But I will only do the physics when the Voices lessen, if they do.

My Tutor hasn't e-mailed me back. The Voices are telling me that he's ignoring me, that because I told him I have paranoid schizophrenia, it's scared him off and now he's keeping his distance. Are the Voices right? Do you think I've made someone scared of me because of something that's not even my fault?

I'll report back later.

Thank you for the replies, they keep me going. I will take my meds tonight.

pixiedust · 11-10-2008, 08:05 PM

Well done Steel, I'm really proud of you for trying so hard. Your tutor won't be ignoring you, he's just most likely busy and hasn't checked his emails. I'm sure you haven't scared him off *hugs* You're doing really well, keep it up :)

Misunderstood. · 11-10-2008, 08:19 PM

I don't know but one thing I will say is that I'm surprised after reading recently how symptomatic you've been whilst on such a high dose of Olanzapine.
I would agree with the people who said you need to perhaps try another type of AP.

[pretty on the inside] · 11-10-2008, 08:36 PM

I'm not sure if this is going to be helpful, but I think that being under stress makes mental health problems worse. So even though you're at Cambridge which is going to put more pressure on you than most unis, you need to try not to put too much pressure on yourself as well. Doing sport is a good idea. I hope things go well for you xx

Steel Maiden · 11-10-2008, 09:56 PM

Thanks. I decided to go on RYL and listen to "Guilty Conscience" by Eminem loudly on my laptop simultaneously because my brain is turning into soft mush and even basic physics is no longer clear.

I am going to take my meds now.

Ok, I've taken them. I've done it, I've taken the meds.

I am looking forward to doing sports.

I think I'll stick with the olanzapine and talk to my director of studies tomorrow about the stress that I am under and if it can be lessened in any way.

My Mum just talked to me on the phone and she said "you sound dreadful. You sound so bad that I want to call an ambulance to your room." This worries me. She told me to go to bed but I have no intention of doing so until around midnight. I'll either spend the whole night reading this physics book or going on the internet.

I love you all, I do.

Thanks.

My room is spinning slightly and I feel like I am sitting sideways, not upright. My sense of balance has been really f*cked since I started on the higher dose. In half an hour's time I'm going to get the shakes big time and then I will start feeling dizzy. Always happens when the olanzapine gets into my system.

sherlock holmes · 11-10-2008, 09:57 PM

No, the voices aren't right. I doubt he's ignoring you, he's probably just away from his computer right now.

Well done for taking your medication, it's really important you keep taking it as prescribed.

Steel Maiden · 11-10-2008, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by control freak

No, the voices aren't right. I doubt he's ignoring you, he's probably just away from his computer right now.

Well done for taking your medication, it's really important you keep taking it as prescribed.

I hope he is just away from his computer, because he's a really nice man who I am sure could help me.
I'm already getting the muscle seizures and shakes.

Steel Maiden · 12-10-2008, 07:47 AM

I'm trying to do some physics work, but the Voices are so f*cking loud that I just want to scream. They're stopping me from taking anything in.

Overdose overdose overdose.

sherlock holmes · 12-10-2008, 10:56 AM

Have you seen a doctor/psychiatrist recently about the muscle tremors/shakes? I think you should, it doesn't sound good =[

Steel Maiden · 12-10-2008, 04:34 PM

The tremors/shakes only come after I take the meds. Once the meds have been broken down in my system, the tremors/shakes go away, although my muscles are permanently stiff.

I will tell my doctor when I get one, but I haven't got one yet.

My Mum has been staying in bed and breakfast since I came to Cambridge. She left for home today. Now I am alone...*sniff* I will miss her so much.

lostandalone3 · 13-10-2008, 05:49 AM

Hey, unfortunately schizophrenia is a degenrative illness, But they usually mean this aboutor people whom dont get treatment, dont respond to treatment or are not medication compliant.

Have you tried clozapine? My partner has the same diagnosis as you and he seemed to get worse over time, now that he takes his medication which works for him regulalry he is much better and has even improved.