so, as the title says; i guess i'm not going to uni.
the background is that i studied literature in liverpool, and had to leave because of mental health problems, years later (in 2005) i tried psychology in coventry, had a big breakdown, dropped out, and spent 2 years in hospital.
i wanted to go back to the psychology (part time; one day a week) this year. i was a little worried about my ability to cope, but i felt that it was something i really wanted to do, and which would be helpful for getting me out and getting me active. i'd talked it over with a few professionsals, discussing things like being aware of early warning signs, and almost everyone (one exception, and he had known me for less than an hour) was encouraging. my consultant psychiatrist in particular thought that it would be great for me.
but the lecturers at uni had been talking while they failed to get back to me, and apparently don't feel that it is safe for me to rejoin the course, and doubt my ability to step back from my problems enough to study psychology from an academic perspective. i *like* the academic perspective; it is a lot more logical and a lot more entertaining than experienced reality.
the bit that worries me the most is that apparently the months i was studying in 2005 lead to some problems with the other students... what the hell does that mean? (and why the hell didn't i ask?) it could be that i am/was very outspoken in lectures and seminars; asking a lot of questions, etc, it could be that i want from being very involved with the course to effectivly dropping of the edge of the world (ie. being incarcerated in a psych hospital), or it could be that my tutor shared that the reason i left was a (or a few) suicide attempt(s). i am desperate to know, as i kinda feel it breaks down into being either a result of my mental health problems that i know about, or a major flaw in my personality! (though yes, a flaw in my personality could well be a part - or a result - of my mental health problems)
the fact that it is a psychology course, and the woman who was my personal tutor, and who i'm sure must have been involved in the decision, is an ex- clinical psychologist, means that they do kinda know what they are talking about - even if they are wrong!
i don't know how to feel about it: i am swinging between angry and upset at the moment, and my mum has queried whether i would be safe to be at home alone tonight - i am not suicidal, but i couldn't promise her i wouldn't cut, or how badly - and is going to pick me up to stay at hers for the weekend (i was going to stay with her saturday night anyway, as we are going to a party of some family friends). basically that means that i won't be able to reply here for a while (sorry!), but i wanted to get it off my chest.
i fsomeone else was in this situation i might say:
maybe it would be better to take some time out to work on yourself and your issues
but i want / need to be doing something active and constructive, and enjoyable, not just going to therapy and killing time.
you can always just re-apply next year. a year isn't much in the grand scheme of things.
the lecturer who phoned me did mention this as a possibility, but wasn't highly encouraging. plus there is the question of why i was disruptive - if they want students to shut up and learn parrot-fashon then thats not me, and i don't want it to be, so maybe i'll never be suitable.
why don't you get a volentry job? that can be fun and active
i may well do that (oxfam bookshop is tempting), but i want to study, and learn, and have my brain stretched a little more than by alphabetising books and counting change.
an evening class?
yeah, that is a good idea, and there are a few possibilities here.
they probably do know what they are talking about, and your attempts to study in the past have failed; why not just give up, and accept that you are not going to succeed!
F*** you!
aww im really sorry about what happend n how its left u feeling *hugz* i know it not the same, but i was going to study childcare and college-but couldnt coz my teacher wrote a reference saying i wasnt emotional stable enough....i was really angry about that.
but the volutery work sounds like a really good idea, and will help to prove your ability to do some thing-i hope it works out 4 u
xxx
thanks for the replies, sorry i've been a while getting back, i was feeling a bit hermitty sunday and monday.
the OU is a good plan, my mum suggested it too, and i'm definatly going to do a mental health course there; its part of the 'health and social care' degree program, and it is designed for sevice users (among others). i don't know if i want to do the health and social care program, or psychology, or where i want to do it, but this course sounds interesting, so i'm gonna just do it and think more slowly about other plans.
the OU said that i may be able to use the credits i did in liverpool before i dropped out, but i think that would make up an open degree, and i'm not sure how useful that might be, plus i can get financial aid towards a first degree, so i can get more studying done at the OU if i don't bring over my credits.
like i say, i'm not deciding anything concrete yet.
i also picked up an application form for oxfam bookshop today. i'm not going to fill it in immediatly, as i am starting with a new therapist this week, so i'll get a bit more settled into that routene.
my one reservation with the oxfam bookshop is that i'll end up spending a fortune on books! i worked in the one in liverpool for a while, and came home most weeks with a carrier bag of the books which had been on the shelf too long and that i could get for next to nothing... i actually stll have some books from then that i still havn't read!
anyways, thanks again for replying, i'm not feeling too bad about it now, though i have one nastly and very visible scar that demonstrates i was very upset.
I've not really got much constructive advice tbh :/
Would it be helpful to bounce your ideas off someone, like your mum? It may help you to speak your ideas out loud, and get some feedback, from someone's who's not connected to any therapist etc.
If it'l help to put some niggles to rest, i'd get in contact about the disruption, so you can decide for yourself if it's a load of bull or if it's something you can work on in future.
From your post, you do seem like someone who has so much potential, it'd be a shame not to engage with some mind-stretching! Mibbe you could bring this up with your new therapist, or psych? Suggest a support plan for uni or something (i'm just thinking out loud, sorry if it's jumbled!)
Just a question, do you feel *ready* for uni, or do you feel you should go, for any reason?
Whatever your choice, good luck :) And i hope therapy goes well
x
And you might say its self-inflicted
But you see that's contradictive
Why on earth would anyone practice self destruction?
