Graphic / Triggering - falling in to darkness

crackednotbroken21 · 15-07-2008, 09:19 AM

I hate myself right now. I don't really know why. I just relizied how worthless i am. Im trying really hard to make something out of myself by going back to college but i don't think i was meant for college. Im just a stupid worthless loser. My si-ing is getting worse and it's scaring me. For a while i was doing so well i went nine months with out cutting but a few months ago I slipped up and now im need to cut more. Not even a week ago i was at work and there was a broken cup and as i was cleaning it up i couldn't help but cut myself, it was just one cut but i hate myself for breaking at work like that. When i got home that night i cut again a lot. Now less then five days later i want nothing more than to drag a sharp blade across my arms and watch the blood run down my skin. Im just worthless and crazy. I hate myself.

B-S-F · 15-07-2008, 09:24 AM

You're not worthless, or crazy!!
I know how it feels to want nothing else other than to cut, to many people its a coping mechanism.
*hugs*
Its great that you've posted on here, shows real courage and strength!
Well done!! Is there anything in particular thats made you feel this bad?? Why do you hate yourself?? Do you want to talk about it??
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk!
Thinking of you, take care of yourself. xXx

crackednotbroken21 · 15-07-2008, 09:45 AM

there wasn't anything particular that made me feel this way. I feel like this a lot but i usually hide it better but im tired of hiding, i hate acting so fake. I hate myself because i don't know who i am anymore. I hate that it's sunny and in the 80s and 90s and im wearing long sleeve shirts to hide the cuts on my arm. I hate that i cut myself but it's the only way i have found to survive in this world.

popcorn · 16-07-2008, 04:14 PM

Hey,
I'm sorry you are feeling so awful, but even though you feel bad, you aren't bad. You don't sound crazy to me either; you sound like you're in pain. It's a rotten way to feel, to want to hurt yourself, but I do know it can get better. No one should have to feel like this forever, and you can learn ways to survive without hurting yourself.

Do you have much of a support system? Are you talking to friends or family or therapist/doctor about what's going on? Please try to reach out in real life for help like you're doing here, because you do deserve to feel good.

You're trying to make things better and give yourself more options by going back to school-- that's great. (And if you're college-age or thereabouts, you're also at an age where lots of people are struggling with who they are, which is difficult and confusing, but it is normal and you're definitely not alone or weird because of it). And you're not happy with the SI-- that's also a positive sign, even though it's painful now, because it means that part of you wants to change.

Also-- congratulations on going 9months free. That's awesome; you must have got some really good strength and coping skills. It's also an excellent sign of health that you're scared by your SI. It doesn't feel good, but it's closer to healthy.

So please, try to take the best care of yourself that you can, and try to ask for help-- have you tried medicines, therapy, etc? Let us know how you're doing.

Porcelain Child · 17-07-2008, 03:50 PM

Hey your not worthless or crazy hun...

Your obviously finding things difficult at the moment...

Do you know what is making you feel like you need/want to cut?

Are you recieving any professional help hun?

crackednotbroken21 · 18-07-2008, 01:17 AM

I don't have a support system. There is one person who I talk with about my cutting by they live on the other side of the US. I have never gone to a doctor or talked to anyone who could help me. I don't have any one who can help me through the hard times.