Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Can't do this *trig for OD too* semi urgent

xbeckyx · 05-07-2008, 08:49 PM

Argh I'm so sorry to be back here wasting even more space with me just doing self pitying rambling but I'm really struggling right now and could use some support.

I've been having a really rough couple of weeks, mood swings all the time, never knowing how I'm gonna feel in the next hour, various ODs, bad SIing and now the sui thoughts are back and worse than before.
I have everything planned, date, time, where, how etc.

I feel so alone right now and I hate it. Yeh I'm near people but none of them can help me right now, they don't know what Im going to do and I don't want them to. I've told CAMHS this, I've told them I've got plans to kill myself and they don't do anything. There's still a part of me that wants to live but I can feel it fading.

I know no one cares about me which means I'm being selfish to just not get on with it and kill myself. F**k I'm so pathetic! Im not scared of dying, I'm not scared of what comes after, it's failing. What if it doesn't work. Out of the 3 solid methods I have the chances of them not working are slim but I'm still worried.

I was texting a friend who's also struggling at the moment and I know I've made her worse, now she's saying she's gonna kill herself tomorrow and I'm so scared for her. I want to help her but I don't know how anymore. I'm too self absorbed to be able to help her, how weak is that?! I'm trying but I just can't.

I can't do this anymore. I have no tabs so I can't OD to get me through til I feel a bit better. No more alcohol, drank it all now so I'm screwed. Nothing left to try and ease this feeling. My chest feels like it's being crushed by something and I can't get rid of it. I used to SI or OD to make it go but nothing works anymore. I need to just go ahead with my plan. No idea why I'm still here. Eurgh I'm pathetic. Sorry, this is long and crap so I understand if no one replies.

l'il esky · 05-07-2008, 08:58 PM

oh hun, sorry you feeling so bad at mo and that no one is listening or helping in the way you want!
where are you now? is there anyone around that you can go and sit with to keep you safe?
sending lots of hugs xx

xbeckyx · 05-07-2008, 09:10 PM

I'm at home. My friends just left and my dads got his mates round so I'm not botehring him.
I dont know if i want to be safe now. need to hurt myself. Need to end this. Im sorry,

xbeckyx · 05-07-2008, 09:44 PM

Everythings sorted now. Just need to wait til tomorra. Im scared. i need someone to show they care but I know ill only push anyone away who tris. no one deserves to be treated asa crappy as i treat them.

trina1723 · 05-07-2008, 10:37 PM

*hugs*
firstly dont be sorry for posting because your not wasting space or anyones time.
i know things might be really hard for you right now but you can get through it and come out the other side and things will get better.
i know how it feels to trust someone and tell them things and have them not help or do anything about it, is it possible for you to see someone else from CAMHS if the person you see at the moment doesnt help?
you say no one cares about you but i promise you thats not true, i know it might feel like it sometimes but there are people who love you, i havent talked to you much at all but i still care about you.
it is in no way weak that you cant help your friend right now as you are going through a hard time aswell, if you are really worried about her would it be possible to tell someone about her plans, i know it might be betraying her trust but if it means she doesnt do something stupid then its worth it?
please try to hang onto that part of you that wants to keep living, keep fighting until you get the help you need.

Glowsticks · 05-07-2008, 11:22 PM

Hey hunny,
I'm so sorry i've only just got online to read this..
You can beat this, you've said yourself that there is a part of you who doesn't want to die, and as has been said before you need to cling on to that..
You are far from pathetic, you are just going through a bad time, it's natural to be scared and struggling to cope love. You are alot stronger than you realise, just have some faith and keep the hope alive - however small the hope may be hun.. Just hold on..
*huggles and much love*
xxx

xbeckyx · 06-07-2008, 10:44 AM

Ty both of you.

Still feel the same and now I've got everything sorted. I'm trying to stay safe but it's so hard. My dads being an idiot to me so I can't tell him to just back off and try and help me because he wouldn't care. There's no one else I can get to stay with me, I feel stupid and guilty. They shouldn't have to babysit me everytime I feel crappy like this. This is for the best.

My friend says she doesn't know if she will do it or not and I don't want to ring teh hospital she's in unless I need to because I don't want to betray her if she isn't gonna do it.

trina1723 · 06-07-2008, 06:08 PM

i know its hard but you can do it.
dont feel stupid and guilty for needing help and wanting help because it takes a strong person to admit that and you are in no way stupid for doing that, it shows how strong you are.
please keep fighting.

and fair enough about your friend, but remember your her friend to and she loves you and doesnt want you to do anything silly either.

*hugs*
xxx

xbeckyx · 06-07-2008, 06:35 PM

Ty but it doesn't matter now.
I've got the date sorted. It will be fine.
Thanks for replying everyone but it'll be okay now.

trina1723 · 06-07-2008, 10:16 PM

please dont do anything, please try and hang on.
i know you can do it, you can get through all this shit and be happy again.
i know sometimes its hard to hang on but it will be worth it in the end.
*huggles*
xxx

xbeckyx · 07-07-2008, 04:09 PM

I'm so confused now.
I have to make 2 decisions.
1 - whether to tell CAMHS what I'm planning or not (because in part I do want to be stopped)
2 - To do it or not.

I feel I'm ready I'm just scared I'm going to make the wrong choice. I only have 8 days left to decide and once it's done I can't turn back.
I just need to make sure I'm completely sure before I do it. I think I am now.

sebyangel · 07-07-2008, 04:20 PM

First of all, I don't know how things worked out with your friend, but telling someone what she is planning isn't betraying her. It's helping her. The fact that she's even planning it means that there is something wrong and she needs help. As for you my dear, consider all of the reasons to not go through with it. It may not feel like it, but you have so many people who care about you and would be so hurt if you let go. I know it doesn't seem like a good enough reason, because you're in pain and you want to go, but please just think about it. The fact that people are talking to you, trying to make you stop should help. Hang in there, we're here for you.

xbeckyx · 07-07-2008, 04:31 PM

Ty for replying.

We are both meeting the day I plan to do it. She wants to. tried convincing her not to but I couldnt. This makes it harder. Whatever I decide shes still at risk and theres nothing i can do.

i need to think people care but i cant. i just cant understand why they would. im a waste of space, im a total cow, im nothing. i dont deserve to live. i just upset people and annoy them and wory them, no one deserves it. im scared but if it helps the peopelr i care about then i know its for the best.

sebyangel · 07-07-2008, 04:39 PM

No matter what she decides to do, don't let it make you go through with it as well or anyway.
I can't say I know why most people care about you, but I care for the simple fact that you are a person, and every person deserves a chance to be happy. I also care because I've been in a similar place, and to be quite honest, it f*cking sucks. The only way that I made it through was the random people I didn't know who for some reason cared so much.
You upset and worry people because of this sort of behavior. They care about you and they don't want you to get hurt. It isn't because you're annoying or they don't care.
And you are certainly not just a waste of space. I'm also fairly certain you're not a cow. But if you feel like one, maybe you should go see a pysch and get some pills. That was meant to make you smile a little, I hope it worked.
Stay strong sweetie.

trina1723 · 07-07-2008, 04:43 PM

hun i dont really have much to say, my heads not in a good place right now and my thoughts are all jumbled, but i wanted you to know that im still listening and still care! please keep talking if its helping you.
no one would be better off without you, seriously you would be missed so so so much, i know its hard to believe and im sure i cant change your mind but it IS true.
xxx

xbeckyx · 07-07-2008, 08:37 PM

Thank you both of you. It did make me smile :)

My mind is starting to be made up now. I'm not quite as scared anymore.
There's a bit of me that stil doesn't want to die but it's pretty much now or never and the thought of carrying on is even more terrifying than dying.
Well, I'm more scared of failing tbh than dying though I really wish I believed in a God right now. It's reassuring to know I'm not gonna be alone but then what if I change my mind, what if it messes up?

My friend was worried and made me tell her part of what I was planning. I ended up crying on her shoulder for half an hour while she just hugged me. I can't stand this anymore. I'm worried my other mate will blame herself for not knowing or stopping me but it's for teh best, she deserves a better friend than me, I just let her down.

I hate to think of this as giving up but that's what I'm doing. I give up.

trina1723 · 07-07-2008, 11:30 PM

im sure you are a great friend and you dont let her down!

please try and hang on to that bit of you that wants to carry on and keep fighting. i believe in you and i believe you can and will get through this.
i know that might seem impossible for you right now but i think you can do it because you are such a strong person.

*hugs*
xxx

xbeckyx · 08-07-2008, 04:20 PM

Thank you but I do so often.

I'm too weak. I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve to live. I'm taking the esy way out and I know that but I don't care about that anymore. It used to bother me what people would say after I'd done it but it doesn't matter, I won't know about it.

I need some advice please before tomorrow.
My friend has written a note to CAMHS saying everything, my plan, when where and how etc. She also explains about the otehr person.
She might be coming with me tomorrow to tell them ebcause I'm too scared but... I don't think I want her to now. I'm scared but right now I think sui is the only way out. I was talking to a teacher earlier who said you need to do what makes you feel best and right now I think that's dying.
I keep changing my mind and this is what's annoying me, I'd rather think "Rigth I'm not safe so I'll tell CAMHS before I do anything because I don't really want to do this."
or
"Okay I'm gonna keep quiet and do it."

Help?

xbeckyx · 08-07-2008, 07:51 PM

Well. Ended up texting my counsellor telling him I'm really struggling, I'm very sui (worse than ever) and have a plan and when, where and how.
he didn't say much but was nice about it, I'm seeing the psych tomoz for 30 mins instead of him then meeting up with him and my dad for a chat with the psych too. Joy.

I'm just so scared of everything including myself right now :(

moneypenny1985 · 08-07-2008, 09:07 PM

I think you did the right this telling someone.

I really hope you stay with us. I'm only new but I'd like to get to know you.

Love

laura
xx