Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I GIVE UP

[mermaidstar]

I Give up i feel totally like **** and i mean serriously bad and suicidal.
anyways i tried to do the responsible thing and phone for help.i tried to phone social services cause i cant cope with my baby and noone answered.in the end i phoned the crsis mental health team.i spoke to a women i told her i couldnt cope i needed someone to take my baby as i was in a serrious condition.i gave her the phone number of our social worker and she sais she would call me back in 10 mins.she was going to speack to social services and possibly send someone from mental health team round.
that was 2hours ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have phoned back and a man answered i told him i had spoke to a lady.he said i know i was meaning to phone you.he said if your struggling you should call social services.arrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.
i said i give up an d put phone down.

i have been trying so hard to keep together waiting for a phone call cause the lady was speaking to social services for me.
i have given up and cut myself

[mermaidstar]

i dont know what to do.i want to cut my wrists and die

[darlkill]

I agree with crazy rabbit lady. And well done for trying to do the right thing

[mermaidstar]

All my family are on holiday.I have no friends.Babys dad is working.
I want my baby to go away so he is safe.If i am to kill myself i want my baby to be with someone else.I dont want him screaming,starving and sleeping in his own mess because i am dead and theres noone to look after him

[mermaidstar]

Someone called again.They have said they will call me back.

[mermaidstar]

honestly.
yes thats what i am thinking.

someone is coming out to see me.they said they would be an hour or so

[darlkill]

Hey i know things are hard i think yer doing a great job and again i agree with trace

[mermaidstar]

hi thank you so much for your replys.sorry for taken a while to get back to you they want me to go into hospital.i am refussing to go in i want outpatient care.
social services have been in touch and babys dad has been told he has full parental responsibilitie.
he is not to leave me alone at all.the mental health team have given him a phone number to call if any problems
mental health team will visit me tommorow.
crazy lady what you said has hit my heart.thankyou i needed to hear that

[mermaidstar]

Thankyou so very much
*cuddles crazy lady back*

thanks darlkill also

will try keep you updated

[mermaidstar]

hi
mmm....
I am on my own.
Baby is with his grandma whilst his dad is at work.
I am left on my own for 8 hours

mental health worker visited this morning she asked again if i would accept a crisis bed i said no.She said they will phone this evening to see how things are.

at this very moment i .....

MAJOR TRIGGER CONTENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I am bingeing on junk food i know when ive finished bingeing i will take some slimming pills.I am also thinking of cutting again(have already cut again this morning)
I am also very aware that i have 4boxes of pills that would kill me.

I am also thinking that i should reconsider admission.
I am going to try some distractions and see if i can have a bit of a sleep.
will make a decision after that.

[mermaidstar]

i am agoraphobic so its a problem leaving the house i am also worried that i would feel trapped and if i wanted to harm myself i couldnt

I have also been having distressing nightmares every night and i guess im worried my nightmares will come true.

[mermaidstar]

My nightmares are so disturbing i dont think it would be right to share them with anyone.When i wake up from them it feels like they were real.

I think you have a valid point about hospital.I will think about it and keep you updated.I am going to go for a lye down now and see how i feel afterwards.
Thankyou for your help things do feel better some times or less confussing when ive talked on here

[mermaidstar]

Thankyou
Will post later
*hugs*

[mermaidstar]

i am still here!
i had a 3hour sleep!
phoned the crisis line they werent much help.the mental health team are to call me this evening so hoping i will be able to talk to them
i feel very warn out

[chocostashchick]

honey i am so sorry you are going through so much right now
that is great that you got some rest, that you are righting for yourself, talking on here and everything. you are being so reponsible and working so hard and that is amazing! keep talking to us and good luck with mh team! i am sorry that the crisis line wasn't helpful but it obviously took a lot for you to call them and that is a big step. something good came of it if mh is calling you though right? if you need to please call them again or get to a+e or something honey. please update when you can
xxxooo callie

[mermaidstar]

Hi guys
Was real bad in the night and had made a decision to end it.Was all about to carry it out when realised i couldnt(cant say why in case of tip sharing)
until hours later
everything went real bad and i phoned crisis.a women answered and was really really helpful so much so i calmed right down.thoughts not changed but i havent carried anything out.
the worst ive done since last typed is binge and done stuff to get rid.
its so tough to ask for help when you really need it.i feel like a terrible mother i am not allowed to be on my own with my baby and that makes me feel so shitty
all the proffessionals are back in work tomorw(bank hol)so expecting quite a few phone calls and maybe a visit from social services.
i plan to take my baby to a play centre tommorow so with so much stuff going on i might not get online.but will keep you all updated asap.
i trying really hard to fight this and i know many of you understand my struggles.i am so scared i might give in.anyway will do my best not to.

thankyou x

[mermaidstar]

So sorry not been online.
mmm
There was like a huge explosion in my life everything collapsed around me.
this week has been really traumatic.VERY LONG STORY.
just about holding it together at moment

[chocostashchick]

*big hugs*
i'm sorry honey
please tell us what happened if you are up to it - might help to talk and get it all out