Rant - Losing it

[noodlenoodle]

Sometimes I think I'm actually losing my mind. I don't trust my own senses, perceptions, feelings and memories anymore. I don't always see the difference between what've I've forgotten and what I've dreamt/imagined/been told. I don't think that I'm real. That it's me sitting in this room right now. I'm consumed by this relentless self-hatred and I don't know how to make it leave me alone. Sometimes I feel like my own skin hates me, like if it could it would hurt me. I don't even think that these feelings are real, because I can still hide them. If no one can see anything in me then is there anything?
I don't know what I'm looking for here. I guess for someone to either tell me that I am or am not losing my mind, or they feel something similar.

[Mandimoo]

Hey there, are you getting any kind of professional help with this? Some therapy to try to bring your sense of reality back into line so you can distinguish between the two, and maybe some kind of meds?

There are a lot of vets who struggle with dissociation and they describe their experiences as similar to yours. Not quite able to tell if anything is real or not, paranoid that it's a dream and they can't wake up, always living in a dozy dream-like state, not sleeping well can make it worse, especially if you are prone to dozing off.

Waking up and trying to remember if what you think happened was real or not...

It might be an idea to post this in vet's support too, to get some more replies, I have never had this problem myself, but I know a lot there have. *hugs* mand x

[Zeitgeist]

I really don't think you're losing your mind, you're 'just' going through a hard time right now. In some ways I can relate to what you wrote. It's happened a lot, though not as much recently, that I remember things and then realize no, they didn't happen. They feel quite real, but might've been dreams. I'm not sure, but it's a thought that helps me feel sane ;)

Feelings are often weird and confusing, but I don't think that makes them any less real. I suppose most of us have become good actors due to circumstances. Just because other people don't notice it doesn't mean your emotions are not valid. Please try to remember (I know it's difficult sometimes) that others don't ignore your feelings intentionally. More often than not they simply don't see it, don't look closely enough, whatever. It takes some hinting or just outright hitting-them-with-the-truth telling to change things.

I'm not sure if this helps you, but you're definitely not alone in this. I hope you'll feel better soon.

[noodlenoodle]

Thank you. I'm not getting any professional help - I don't feel like how I feel is real enough :p. plus, I have a suspiscion that if i suggested it to my parents they'd just tell me to get to bed earlier :p. I did see a counsellor for a bit a while ago, but it really didn't work for me.
And I think I'll have trouble hitting-them-with-the-truth because I don't want them to know it. Or I'm too scared to actually show it.
Thank you again, I appreciate your adivce, both of you :)