Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I don't have much a will to live.

[Liandre]

I am 44, and I am bi-polar, and some other stuff. Most of my life has been pretty brutal. I was a drug addict and quit, around 17 years ago. When I did drugs sometimes I felt good for a little while. I worked to hard to get clean so if I relapse, it will be my final one.

I stay in the house all day and do almost nothing. It feels like a jail, but in a way jail was better because I had many people I could talk to. I was never left alone.

My boyfriend works all day, so I only see him on weekends. I can't deal with people and I am depressed. I have lost interest in everything. I have gained 20 lbs. because I have no motivation to use my treadmill or go walking, and Mike keeps buying fattening foods. I am to tired to do much of anything. I had a motorcycle and I sold it. It was a perfect bike for me and I just stopped riding it. I have lived here in Lake Elsinore for 2 years and I don't have any friends at all. I never get out and make any. Lack of motivation.

I know all this stuff about recovery, but this bi-polar thing is like a shot of pure chemical depression and it is so hard to fight. My leg and my arm both go out on me (bike accident). Sometimes I feel like this is it. It will never get any better than this. I just can't stand the thought that things will always be like this. Sorry to dump on you. Thanks for listening. ~~~Sharon

[Sadkitten]

Sorry you feel like this. Hope u feel better soon and Im here if you ever need to talk x

[Liandre]

Thank you. I was thinking last night, to just take a bunch of pills. That it was over and I lived my life. I have this whole secret stash.

Last time I tried to commit suicide I was nearly successful and put in intensive care. The thing is that having the pills does not mean I will necessarily pop them all, it is just a comfort to know that I have a way out if the pain is too great. I have been hoarding them since 97, when my boyfriend died of cancer. I just could not...go through something like that again. I know it will get better (last year I went 5 months w/o being really depressed). It seems like a lifetime, when I feel like this. I gotta go. Thanks, Sadkitten. ~~~Liandre

[Almost_forgotten]

Hey I hope your keeping yourself safe sweetie, you said that you know it will get better. Its good that you said this and I hope you feel better for talking on here theres loads of people who will listen, including me
Take care
~Laura~

[Liandre]

Thanks Laura. I haven't really had anyone to talk to. Every time I go through this kind of intense pain, I don't know if I am going to make it through. It is horrible. Mike doesn't understand. All I have had is my kitties who are sweet and lay all over me and purr. Yeeyyy for kitties. If I live through this I am going to be a cat lady and have a house fulll of cats! (Just kidding). ~~~Lia

[Cazki]

Hello there im very sorry to hear that your having such a difficult time right now. Suicide really isnt the answer though. I know that what your going through is incredibly difficult but it doesnt mean that you cant get through this, you dont have to go through this alone we are all here for you we all care about you and we will do our very best to support you for as long as you need it. Im very sorry for the loss of your boyfriend.

Please keep fighting through this please dont give up. Im really sorry for the pain that your going through, you dont deserve this at all. Things wont be like this forever though things will get better for you. Do you have any support at all? Please put the tablets out of the way where you cant see them. Please dont od it causes so much damage and its just really not worth it.

Please try to keep yourself distracted as much as you possibly can. Here are some things that you might want to have a think about trying, listening to music, doing jobs to keep you busy, watching a movie, posting on the fun and distractions forum or writing down your thoughts and feelings. Its really important that when you write down your thoughts and feelings that you combine both the positive things with the negative things, so that you dont end up writing down just the negative things on there own as this really wont help you.

Have you thought about going to see your doctor at all? From what i have read in your post it seems like your very deppressed and i think you need help with your deppression before it gets any worse. If your not able to speak to your doctor face to face maybe you could write down what it is that you want to say and give it to your doctor to read. Please take it easy its important that you look after yourself.

Take care best wishes Ian xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Almost_forgotten]

Hey cats are great :D I love my doggy he gets me through. Just as long as you know your not alone
~Laura~

[Liandre]

Thanks everybody. I have a Dr. I am on most of the standard meds for bi-polar plus some off label stuff, they even put me on Depo.

I used to go to NA and AA, but after the fist 15 years for support, I just got a case of serious burn out. If I was living near my old club I would still be going, but I don't know these people here in Lake Elsinore, so I have gone maybe 3 times in 2 years...

I did paint my room. Two facing walls are a nice rich golden sandy brown (kinda like these letters but warmer) and the other walls are still white, and I ordered a headboard for my bed. It was hard to get started. I actually felt ill at first but I managed to finish it. Mike helped and wouldn't hear of it about my being sick. It looks good.

Kitties yeyyy!!!! ~~~Love, Liandre

[Only Distraction]

When I can't face talking to humans, my cats are the only ones' I talk to.
I like talking to them cause they give me the answer I always need; silence.

Hope you are doing okay,
Gina x