Graphic / Triggering - HELP! Im afraid of me and what i will do
Im not sure what is really ok and what isnot on here. i read the rules but im still not completely sure. Anyway i am have not cut seriously in 2 months, the last time nearly killing me. I have not sied in like 2-3 weeks but i am feeling really bad right now. I am so overwhelmed right now and i am not sleeping well at all, due to the stress im sure. The thing is my i have been cutting so long that all my cutting requires medical attention now, although i dont go anymore. the last time my husband found me and called ems. I am scared because i know that all it takes is 1 cut to permantly injure you or kill you, even if that is not your intent, so i know if i cut it will bad and i dont know what the consequence might be whether another permanent disability or even death. Im so scared because the most dangerous person in my life is me and no matter where i hide i will always be there. I just want to be ok and im not. I am working really hard to stop my si behavior with my therapist, but it seems th elonger i go w/o cutting the worse i feel. Im so confused right now. Please if anyone else knows what to do help me ok. Thank you for listning to my bs.
You want to be ok hun, and you will be. If you want it badly enough, you can overcome these feelings you are having right now.
You sound like you have been fighting really hard, is there anything that has triggered this right now? Hunny you can and will get through this, I believe that you are strong enough to fight.
Don't be afraid, you can control yourself, and the urges to cut, you will not accidentaly cause any permanant damage or worse, because you will come through this without having hurt yourself. *HUGS* Honestly. You probably don't believe me but really.
I don't really have any advice I can give, or any ideas....I am having my own issues right now and trying to think of constructive things is difficult, perhaps try playing some games to disraact you, go for a walk? I just wanted you to know that I read your post, and that you are not alone, and that I am here if you want to talk hun ok?
Please stay safe, post as much as you want, just get those feelings out and down in black and white. It really can help.
xxxx
hey sweetie, have you tried talking to your husband when your feeling down?
letting him support you, sometimes i find it helpful just to be held, not saying anything just lying there with my boyfriend, it makes me feel safe, and you also know whilst your in his arms you cant hurt yourself.
what makes you feel good about yourself? why dont you do something like that, have a nice bath, watch a feel good film, maybe ask your husband to give you a massage (if you feel safe doing that)
distraction is the key sweetie, things will get better
if you want to talk further feel free to pm me
take care
xx
the first time my husband took me seriously was when i "lost time" (anyone seen that richard gere movie?? lol) but i was happy go lucky having a great time and did a stupid little stabbing thing that (i hope i can post) i regret with everything in me. scared the shit outta me but still almost three years later cant explain. i'm new and i hafta get up at 4am. so wtf am i doing. i want to connect with you cuz i understand but sorry my time is limited. cant be doing this when hubby gets home! be careful and know that coming to this life saving website is a start!
I know where you are comming from. Like you...I was on my death bed in regards to cutting....I had hit arteries, tendons, had blood transfucsions, and surgeries...i was on the edge of death. I know its extremely hard to get over the first couple of days, weeks and months. Im 20 days righ tnow.....and it is hard....but you know what hunni...you have come soooo far...i dont even know you hun...and I can hear your determination through your post....hunni...I know its hard....hunni i do...but sweetie...your gonna get through this.....just hink....about the months and weeks that you have gotten through already. Just keep thinking that. Keep thinking about your successes....ok hunni....i know you can do it sweetie...you can do it...keep thinking htat....well i gotta go to bed hunni...but i wish you all the best...and ify ou ever need to talk...you can pm me or msn me.....I will be hear to listen sweetie....hope to talk to you soon hun...take care hunni...
I'M SENDING YOU A TON OF ((((HHHUUUGGGZZZZ)))),
Tiff
I did really well yesterday until about 10:30pm last night then I gave into the urge but not as badly as I could of, like thats makes it all right. Anyway when I did it I still maintained as much self control as I could. I probably could have used some medical attention for it, but I did not go because the docs here are really mean. I have been stitched and stapled with no pain killers before and I knew that would probably happen again. I am keeping it clean and dressing it though. Im sorry I let all of you who came to support me down. I ahve no excuse for doing that so I am not even going to try to explain myself. Please forgive me. But I am still alive and functioning, which I guess could be considered a positive thing. Thanks for all the huggs. I hope I have not angered any of you to the point of thinking that everyone is as hopeless a case as I am. Thank you all once again.
Oh sweeheart don't be silly, you haven't let any of us down. *hugs* You are not a hopeless case at all. You did so well, keeping control to some effect, and I am glad you are looking after it. Please don't lose faith, you didn't fail by doing this. You are strong, you are worth it, don't give up hun, if you want anything, please feel free to talk to me. PM me whenever you want to ok?
Take care hun, stay safe. xxx
Well i did it again i cut last night. it seems like right now the only way to stay alive is cutting, though i know its not fool proof since i could miscalculate. i feel so totally over-whelmed. i mean life seems to just keep throwing things at me, one right after the other. my therapist says that i need to look at balancing my life and then figuire(sp) out how to do it. i am trying to but everything i do is of utmost importance ie take kids to app, go to school, do shopping, go to my dr. app. exc... Im just not sure about anything anymore. right now this ryl redo stuff is killing me. there is no live chat, everytime i comne in there is nobody in live support and they never return my messages. forums are great but when you need to talk like right that second and get immediate feedback they are not the right place to be. i dont know how much longer i can keep doing this. i know my kids need me and my husband needs me, and everyone i support through ryl and in daily life needs me but i feel like right now i am of no use to anyone. its hard to tell people not to kill themselves when you are being a hipocrite, or help them with si urges when you are actively practicing it yourself. the worst part is i have a very good friend that i talk to via im and i have been very honest with her about how i feel so she is very worried and scared for me. i know my actions and feelings are hurting her immensly, i had to promise to stick around, stay alive, for her to go to sleep last night. see i made a contract with my therapist i would not attempt suicide until after i talked to her tonight. my friend is worried taht after i talk to her i might do that. i dont know how to make it all ok again. i hate that i am hurting her so bad. i have never been this honest with anyone, besides my therapist, so i have never really known how much anyone could care about me and i sure as heck dont understand why she does. i hate myself and all that i represent so i cant in=magine why she doesnt feel the same way. well thast where i am now. thanks for listening, or reading i should say.
