Triggering (SI) - i ****ed up.....*suicide trigger*
i cut last night.....or rather scratched.
the flashbacks got really bad.
i cant live like this.
Kelly feels like shes always taking care of me and i dont blame her.
i feel trapped. i cant breathe. i want to give up but not really....if that makes any sense.
today is the 5 month anniversary of my father's death. next month im supposed to kill myself. the day he died, i made a promise that i would kill myself 6 months to the day.
i know its ridiculous....but i cut him out of my life 6 months before he died and it just seemed appropriate.
i have to somehow take that promise back. i cant leave my son. i wont.
everything has just been so god damn rough lately.
today...Kelly and i have argued and that breaks me down. i ****ing hate it.
i feel like i need to run....i always feel like that...just run away.
i feel like a burden to her.
i know ive hurt her feelings or pissed her off...its hard to tell which...shes not good at letting me know.
but she sure as hell hurt mine too.
**** it.
im as sensitive as i ever was.
im hating myself right now....and id like to do some real damage to me.
but im afraid that would be the last straw for Kelly.
i ****ING hate having to answer to someone else about my SI.
I don't know what to say other than offer hugs sweetie.
I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time but you're helping me seriously. Your strength over past months and espically past few weeks have inspired me in ways I can't explain.
Keep strong, I know you can do it.
Now over to the people who can say it better than me x
I am new here at this site, but I just wanted to say that life really sucked this morning and now the folks on this site helped make it better. My mom died 6 years ago and I have days when I do not understand why I must live without her. When you spoke of your father it made me think of my mother.
Anyhow, I often have those 'scratching" urges, but what stops me is knowing I will lose my personal freedom if I do that. I have become a dorr-slammer lately. That's a good "energy-out" thing I have done of late.......and of late has really, really sucked. I will wish you well and hope your day gets better.
sorry we fought and i'm sorry for not being who you need me to be. and very sorry for hurting your feelings. but it looks like you're ready to go....... so now what is there left for me to do? i can't help you if you leave me. and i wish you'd stay. but i can't make you. we love you. you have a family HERE. and if that means anything to you, you'd stay. you know we all love you sooo sooo very much. why can't you see that? and why is that not good enough???? i've tried everything i know and it still isn't good enough, i don't guess. please buttercup, don't run away from all of us who love you so dearly. i am soo soo sorry for the argument. it kills me when we fight. but can't we just let it go please? and just start over??? keep loving me, leaning on me and stay here with us.... we alllllll love you and need you to be here. you ARE our family now. so please don't leave us... please!!! i love you with all my heart!
always
your baby girl
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
I love my Buttercup,
Always and Forever ! My Wife = My Best Friend !
*Energy and persistence conquer all things* -Benjamin Franklin
*Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out* -Robert Collier
I wish I knew how to help you. I'm having a total pity party myself. I don't have any words or advice, just this;
*Gives you a cherishing bear hug.*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Oh Rachel, I hope you and Kelly have sorted things out. That was such a truthful, loving reply and I hope you understand how much they love and need you :)
Please take care of yourself. Maybe rather than completely taking back that promise, change it. Decide to do something positive on that day, something that will help you feel better.
xxxx
maybe you both need to write each other a letter or notes before an argument so that feelings aren't hurt? Rach I know you like to be in control, but maybe you need someone in your life to answer to when you harm? Maybe you need that for stability? You have been doing great hun, look at what you've come through, and you're still here.
I love you, i dont want to guilt you into not killing yourself, i don't think that's the way to go, because it will make you feel worse. But I do want to say, I believe you can do this. For yourself. not for Kelly, the kids or Keith, for you. Just like you made a promise to kill yourself, how about making a promise to never promise that again. How about promising to keep yourself as safe as sanity allows? Hold yourself accountable?
Love you Rach, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
please sweet girl......... please quit thinking you're a burden to me. it's just not true. not true at all. you're the world to me my sweet sweet buttercup. thank you for sticking around. i know it's so hard on you here, but i promise i will do my best to make things easier and less stressful. just hang in there buttercup. rest as much as you can and let me love you and lean on me. you've always been here for me and i love to do everything i can to help you. i LOVE it. please no more sorries and no more thinking you're a burden ..... to me .... or anyone. cause it's just not true. you're the world to me sweetie!!!
but i am slowly dying or so it feels like it.
my body cant take many more flashbacks.
i am so physically weak....i can barely walk.
i have run out of pain meds...so this week may be really bad.
im just really scared
Rach, I'm sorry love... I don't have anything for you atm... but please know that I care.
Much love
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
rach, i miss our chats, i miss how it used to be.
to an extent you have withdrawn from RYL and the internet. is that affecting you, does it make you feel more positive that you don't need us so much? or is it cutting off support that you desparatley need?
missing you, love mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
manda....i know ive withdrawn. honestly, i think its because ive been too weak and physically hurting to sit at the pc for very long. i feel horrible about it. i miss you so much too. i miss everyone. the flashbacks are all i can deal with right now. i stay on the couch lying on a heating pad most of the time.
im really sorry.
i love you all.
*snuggles* to everyone.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
