I couldn't tell you what this is triggering for, but mentions self-harm and suicide.

[Emmer]

I've been going through a lot lately really, but I've not felt it at all. It's more of being in a state of shock more than anything. Mum's awaiting a scan on her womb and that could bring up somethin bad and they have reason to believe that could be bad. I found out last night my sister had an abortion on thursday yet I'm not allowed to talk about it because I'm not meant to know. I work in care and one of the residents is so close to dying and I'm finding it so hard because I care about him so much.

The funny thing is, I don't want to solve these feelings that have now built up via self-harm, I think about self-harm and I want to do it but not to solve these feelings, simply because I miss seeing cuts. Now I have no desire to self-harm I have no way of controlling how I'm feeling. Sure I'm talking right now but it just leaves me with a selfish feeling as though I'm wasting peoples time and that you all don't need to know about my problems. I am selfish and I know that but I'm trying to be less selfish and I would be if I wasn't on the verge of suicide.

Even though I've written all of the above as problems they seem minor to the stress I'm having with my coursework right now. I'm near the end of my course and have just 2 weeks left until I finish forever. I can't motivate myself though, everytime I try to do coursework I feel this immense frustration that I can't think of more than two words to write. I look at previous assignments where I got the best grades possible and I know the tutors say that I'm the best in the class and they hold me in high regard because they think I'm so intelligent but I don't feel it. I know I have the knowledge locked away inside my head but with no motivation or no confidence in myself to finish this course I'm finding this all pretty damned impossible. It's strange that you can have all the answers intellectually but you can't change the way you feel, you can't work out why you feel the way you do and what to do to solve all this. The emotional mind isn't as simple as the intellectual. I'm not sure what I expect from writing this and if indeed anyone can help me. I just know something has to change.

[Never_ending_pain]

sorry i don't know what to say but wanted to give you a hug...

[Artychik]

the whole talking and feeling bad for wasting people's time is something I really struggle with... like a lot

although when I think about it - it's so daft cos I wouldn't feel someone talking to me would be a waste of my time, but it's hard to break out of that way of thinking

It is difficult to be dealing with all those stresses, especially on your own, hard as it may be, finding someone to talk with does seem like a good idea

hang in there
Sarah x

[HappyFeet]

Well first, you're not wasting anyone's time by posting. We read this because we care and we choose to. I'm so proud of you for working and taking courses. I know it probably doesn't mean much, but I think that's great.

When you say "controlling how you're feeling," do you mean feeling nothing? Or changing your feelings?

Talking about your feelings isn't selfish. I mean, there are ways to do it that are selfish, but posting on a board to people who want to hear it is not selfish. (For my next trick, I'll look in the mirror when I'm saying that:P) If talking helps, then talk. We may not always know how to respond, but we do care. *hugs*

[Emmer]

Thanks for the replies they really do mean a lot. I know people often feel selfish and that they're wasting others times with their problems and if I had the magic cure for that I would give you all it :)

Thanks for saying you're proud of me; it's not easy to do these things but I have a very pushy father who doesn't just let me wallow in self-pity like I'd often want to.

By controlling my feelings I don't neccessarily mean not feeling, just feel it a little less y'know? Not getting totally overwhelmed and feeling like everything is the end of the world. I don't know, I don't know anything anymore heh.

[bobidrawpictures]

boo emma, your not selfish and should never feel like that, like others had said we read because we care, when my msn is back working feel free to speak about anything i really dont mind and would like to know your ok and will get through this, you should do some work before chat is back up and working hehehe ;p, much love luke

[Emmer]

Thanks Lukey <3

I got an email from my tutor today saying she had faith in me to complete my work and if I need any help I can email her or come and see her. I think that was nice of her.

[Destinationzero]

Hey, its good that you don't really have the desire to SI that much....but if you still want to see something physicalized on your skin you can always use a marker or a pen...it washes off and you can still see it.

I have faith also that you can get your stuff done.

-Evie

[Emmer]

My family are trying to kill me pshhh. My sister came back in a police car after crashing *le sigh*