Triggering (SI) - I feel so...

[lovely_dramatic]

Scared.

I can feel the darkness coming back in, seeping under doors and windows. And I'm so tired. Why fight this? I don't want to have to fucking FIGHT EVERYTHING ANY MORE. I DON'T AND IT'S NOT FAIR. I DON'T WANT TO! I don't want to have to fight to do what I love anymore. It's not like I'm even good enough to actually get a job on broadway. It's not like any good music college will accept me. And why bother with grades. God, I'm so tired of having to do all this work when all I want to do is sleep. Not even sleep. Just lie in bed. Next to him. Safe and close, body to body with him.

Brian? Zack?

I want the heat back. God, I need the heat he gave me, they gave me. I want it, I need it and they both refuse to give me the fire back.

I'll break my boyfriends heart. Can love, affection, be found with time?

Zack zack zack. He ignores me so. But I still have the feel of his body on mine. So much heat, so much apathy and brokeness.

Brian brian brian. Love love love love. Lay in bed with me until I cold and dead.




I don't want to run anymore. To fight. Do I ever get to stop running? Will I get to do what I love and finally actually believe, actually be talented enough to get a god damned good role? Will I ever get to feel passion and not be with someone to be with someone? Will I ever feel the heat, and not just touch it but get burned?

Will I ever get to rest?



Will I ever feel happy without him?

~
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
~
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and compliments.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.
~
She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
~
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired
~

Those are from the song beautiful disaster. Just kind fit with how I feel.

[jdpasino]

i'm sorry you're going through this....sometimes love hurts and that sucks, but you will find the person for you i promise....and you are talented don't give up your dream....keep on fighting and hold on!

[lovely_dramatic]

I don't want to be alone tonight. I feel so dangerously close to tipping. My head is pounding, and I'm sick. I'm not strong enough roght now to fight and win on anything. Not with all my friends surrounding me, talking and whispering when things could be worked out if they'd stop needing attention and drama.

I want Brian or Zack to hold me tonight, because I'm so tired, and I want someone to sing me to sleep.

[idontwantnomorescars]

hey hun i'm sorry things arent good for you right now. you did such a good job of helping me not to long ago and i wish i could help you but i really dont know what to say. stay strong please *hugs*

[jdpasino]

everything is going to be ok...*holds you and gently rubs your head*

[lovely_dramatic]

Thanks guys. I love you all.

I'm learning things. Maybe it's the hard way, but I'm wiser for all this.

[idontwantnomorescars]

yeah you probably are a lot wiser from it. i know i've grown up so much from all the stuf i've been through and it is the hard way but sometimes you have to go through everything the hard way to come out better off

[idontwantnomorescars]

how are you feeling today?

[lovely_dramatic]

Better. By a lot. My friend Brian got me through last night. For the first time, some one has been there when I needed them. I mean, I threw my worst at him and he stayed. I think I'm gonna be alright. =]