i feel a bit weird about writing this here, i havent really given anything back or helped people here - im quite a private person. i hope this doesnt seem really selfish, but here goes...
ive just been feeling so weird, especially lately, i thought i was over SI, but now i dunno.... i just feel so empty when i have no reason to, things are getting better for me, i should feel happy happy happy, and sometimes i do feel good and bubbly and nice...... but then it only takes the slightest thing before i completely flip and then i'll be feeling empty again, lonely useless.....
i dunno... it seems like things would be so much easier if i just ended everything. there are a lot of people even people i see every day who probably wouldnt notice. i was off school for almost two weeks a while ago when i was ill and guess what? most of the people in my class didnt even notice that i was gone. But i guess that there are a few people who would care, its just selfish of me to only think about myself, i guess.....
weird, eh? the little nagging voice in my head is saying
'dont fucking flatter yourself millie, your parents would care. thats it. not even your boyfriend would fucking mind, hes got problems of his own, when was the last time he called you eh? or texted? no, dont you fucking dare tell him, dont confide in him, you'll ony drive him away. hmm what else was it you were thinking about? friends, ha! dont kid yourself, you can count your close friends on one hand, no one else even knows you exist... youre not funny, or pretty, or popular, why the hell should anyone even notice that youre gone.'
i hate feeling jealous of other people, it just makes me feel all the more isolated and alone.... o jeez im starting to sound all self pitying now....sorry....
i um accidently-on-purpose nicked a hypodermic needle last tim i went to the doctor's office for vaccinations. when i put it in a vein i see the blood and makes me feel real, reminds me that im here, like i think that i can drain out all the emotion.... but its so selfish, latey ive not just been cutting cos i need to, its like i just do it out of routine, i just do it to pass the time faster, bacause when i cut time seems to stop but also speed up at the same time, because im so focussed on it that everything elso is irrelevant. ive even found myself doing it at school when i sometimes bunk lessons, just to make the time go faster....
and the worst thing is, when i come online and read about people who are far worse off that myself, it actually makes me feel better, calmer, my pain is lessened my the fact that other are suffering more..... thats just fucked up, fuck it, if thats how i am then i deserve to die. i dont want to die, but hell, i do deserve it
you don't deserve to die no one does...what has caused you to feel so low? like no one cares? i'm here keep posting your feelings....you aren't selfish that's what we are all here for
It sounds like you're struggling to feel, to feel real, loved, wanted and needed. It sounds like it's hard for you to connect with these feelings and other people right now, so much so that it feels like they don't care.
You do matter, and it's important that you feel loved and cared about.
Feeling isolated and alone is hard.
Have you tried reaching out to others? Is there anyone you could reach out to?
You have us, and we care.
hey sweetie its not selfish to post on here about your problems we all do it at some stage or another.
i know how you feel about how you should feel really good because you dotn have a reason not to and when you do feel reasonable all it takes is one comment interpreted the wrong way or for someone to look at you the wrong way and then suddenly you're no longer feeling reasonable you're feeling crap again.
no it wouldnt be easier if you just took your life, possibly easier for you, but what about the poor people who care about you, how would they feel?
and that voice that tells you those things is lying, i get a similar thing except its just the thoughts and deep down i know they are lying to me and they are lying to you, it wants you to hate yourself and feel bad. dont listen to it because if you listen you are giving it the satisfaction it needs to survive.
hey i know what you mean about cutting out of routine, but think about it would you do it if you were actually feeling happy? if not then there is a reason why you're doing it.
and NO you dont deserve to die, heaps of people probably have exactly the same thoughts as you do. to tell you the truth sometimes i'm the same when i come on here and see someone who is worse off than me it makes me feel releived, yes it may seem sick and twisted but it is probably a very common thought.
stay strong, if you ever want to talk feel free to pm me
thanks guys, for writing this stuff, i really appreciate it and i do feel a lot better now, i guess that was just one of my really low moments
thank you all
