I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. I was going through a rough time in my life, feeling like I just wasn't meeting the right kinds of friends and finding the kind of community I so desired. I believe this social unhappiness led me into a lot of compromising situations with people that I did know, but that were certainly not right for me. Nothing sexual went down, but physically intimate acts took place. I ended up falling into a very bizarre relationship last spring/summer with someone who ended up being emotionally and sexually abusive. I have always wanted to want until marriage to do anything sexual, and made this very clear almost immediately, but this person really didn't care about that and took advantage of me while I was in such a vulnerable position.
Over a year later, I still think about the things that happened every day. I feel guilt and shame and mostly, disappointment in myself. I know that these feelings are very common amongst survivors of (sexual) abuse, but even so, it is very challenging to heal from all that occurred. I often feel angry at myself for beginning to initiate sexual acts with my abuser, though this did not occur until after he had already been pressuring and coercing me into doing compromising things. I try to understand what I was thinking at the time, and I feel that sometimes I am coming to some answers. Even so, it is practically unconscionable for me to accept that things were so bad last year that I was driven to act in this way. I have read a great deal about this subject and apparently, victims "re-victimizing" themselves is fairly common. Still, it is very hard to accept.
Sometimes, especially because of the fact that I began initiating sexual activity with my abuser, I feel like a fraud, like I've failed in some regard with respect to waiting until marriage for this stuff. Has anyone else been in this position before?
I should add that I recently found a great article that encourages survivors of sexual abuse to try to differentiate between sexual abuse and sex itself, which is something I have been trying to do. The article even says that approaching one's abuser for (sexual) attention, having an orgasm, and a bunch of other things after the abuse has already begun, still doesn't make victim/survivors responsible for the abuse. Sometimes I guess I feel like I was, in a way, abusing myself though, by initiating sexual activity.
Rationally, I keep telling myself I haven't had any proper sexual experiences, but it's like emotionally, I still can't believe that...
Hi lovely, I'm sorry to hear of what you've been through. It was really brave of you to write about it here. Has it helped to get it out on the page?
There are some things you have written here that I can really relate to and just wanted you to know that you're not alone in what you are feeling/thinking. When I'm feeling a bit safer, I'll PM you, because maybe it might help to get someone else's perspective on the thing I can relate to?
I hope you're plodding on as best you can. You sound really intelligent, in that you know the logics of all of this. It can just be so hard to apply that logic to yourself.
I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. I was going through a rough time in my life, feeling like I just wasn't meeting the right kinds of friends and finding the kind of community I so desired. I believe this social unhappiness led me into a lot of compromising situations with people that I did know, but that were certainly not right for me. Nothing sexual went down, but physically intimate acts took place. I ended up falling into a very bizarre relationship last spring/summer with someone who ended up being emotionally and sexually abusive. I have always wanted to want until marriage to do anything sexual, and made this very clear almost immediately, but this person really didn't care about that and took advantage of me while I was in such a vulnerable position.
Over a year later, I still think about the things that happened every day. I feel guilt and shame and mostly, disappointment in myself. I know that these feelings are very common amongst survivors of (sexual) abuse, but even so, it is very challenging to heal from all that occurred. I often feel angry at myself for beginning to initiate sexual acts with my abuser, though this did not occur until after he had already been pressuring and coercing me into doing compromising things. I try to understand what I was thinking at the time, and I feel that sometimes I am coming to some answers. Even so, it is practically unconscionable for me to accept that things were so bad last year that I was driven to act in this way. I have read a great deal about this subject and apparently, victims "re-victimizing" themselves is fairly common. Still, it is very hard to accept.
Sometimes, especially because of the fact that I began initiating sexual activity with my abuser, I feel like a fraud, like I've failed in some regard with respect to waiting until marriage for this stuff. Has anyone else been in this position before?
I should add that I recently found a great article that encourages survivors of sexual abuse to try to differentiate between sexual abuse and sex itself, which is something I have been trying to do. The article even says that approaching one's abuser for (sexual) attention, having an orgasm, and a bunch of other things after the abuse has already begun, still doesn't make victim/survivors responsible for the abuse. Sometimes I guess I feel like I was, in a way, abusing myself though, by initiating sexual activity.
Rationally, I keep telling myself I haven't had any proper sexual experiences, but it's like emotionally, I still can't believe that...
Thats one of the things I noticed about abusive people - they sense vunerablity and weakness - and take full advantage.
Where a good person - would look after a vunerable person and help them.
A bad person -quick to take advantage.
I cant really comment on your situation because I'm not qualfied too.
But all you can do is learn from the past - with wisdom comes knowing how to deal with abusive people so you can stop them from coming into your life or even turn the tables on a abusive person (not in a violent revenge way ) but so the dynamics of things in life change. If you really wise up and become different the abuser will not have the same power over you.
