Early last June I told my husband it was over due to his jealousy amongst other things. He refused to move out of our home and still remains here. We have a joint tenancy housing Association bungalow.At the end of June I started to see a very good friend and we had a great summer together. In November his wife left him. Nothing to do with me as she doesn't know he is seeing me. If she did then she would literally take him to the cleaners when she starts the divorce.
My husband discovered this also in November and has been blackmailing me saying that if I start divorce proceedings or try to get him out then he will go to my friends wife and give her all the evidence of our time together. He has pics and texts we sent each other and so I can do nothing.
Also last night came the final straw. My friends home will soon be sold and he is moving back to his original village and will be 2 doors away from his mums. He told me last night that we will be able to talk but that is all. I asked him if that meant I would never see him again.He said 'you will see me but not as often and not there (I have been going up every other weekend to his current house) Its my bolt hole and I need my space or so the mental health people keep telling me' He is also on happy pills as am I and we r both seeing the mental health team. My first appt isnt til 8th April.
I am absolutely devastated at this news, as we are both a lifeline for one another and I have grown to love him so much. I am really hurting today, not knowing when I will see him again. Life is all getting too much and I thought I was going to have a medical emergency last night after all this as my chest was really tight and painful.
We still talk every night on the phone but now I dont know what to say to him. I feel like my brain is going to explode and I feel constantly sick.
You and your husband are essentially separated, and divorce proceedings sound like they are likely to happen at some point. Your husband has no right to blackmail you - and if anything, you can use this behaviour as proof in your divorce proceedings.
I am not sure I understand how your husband has texts and pictures as evidence? Do you share a phone?
As to the other man, your friend, you need to sit down with him and talk. Does he really want to be in a relationship, or was the thing he liked about it the fact that he was essentially having an affair? If he is willing to continue to see you, you need to agree to a compromise that you both agree on. Saying he can not see you because he has moved close to his mother does not show commitment in my eyes, so I would step carefully here and prepare for the worst.
As to a bolt hole. Yes, your care team are right, you do need your space. If your husband is refusing to be the one to move, perhaps it is you that should - To allow yourself to build your own space, and bolt hole, away from everything else, including a husband who does not sound good for you.
Be gentle with yourself.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I had a mobile on which I had all my texts to and from my friend and he sent me some pics as well. When I discovered that my husband had been checking every call I made on the phone bill I got myself a Pay as U go phone and cleared down the other phone completely as he decided to take it on himself. Unfortunately I had backed up everything on the PC and quite innocently he backed up his contacts and when he downloaded onto the phone, my backup came with it!
As to my friend. I am hoping that I may be able to go up there next weekend and we must talk about what we both want as not being able to see him once he moves (or not so often) will tear me apart. Part of his problem is that he hasnt yet moved forward. Although his wife has gone and she has told him she's not coming back he doesnt seem to be able to accept it. There is still love there for her. He knows its crazy and has told me that but he cant let go.
As regards my husband moving I was so distraught last night about the relationship with my friend tat he did say he had filled out and sent off the forms for housing and would be moving out once they found him somewhere. That at least would be something, but I am still desperately concerned that I might lose my friend, and with it will go my existence.
It sounds like the relationship has become very difficult at the moment, and your husband is behaving extremely unreasonably.
I'm sorry about the relationship with this other bloke. it sounds like he hasn't really made his mind up.
How are you doing now?
Not so good, although I have now made arrangements to go up and see my friend next week. I am going to have to tell him that I am in love with him, and i'm not sure exactly how he will react but its going to be very hard for me to do. I have always shown my affection by what I do in the past and never by words, but feel as though I now need to tell him exactly how I feel about him. Am I doing the right thing?
Ah. At least you'll both know where you stand. Be careful though, things might not necessarily work out how you intend it to.
I know and I dont want to lose his friendship above all else. I know he's not ready to move on yet and I will tell him that despite the fact that i'm in love with him, it doesnt change anything and that I wont be asking anything of him at all apart from retaining our friendship that we have, as it is currently. The last thing I want him to feel is pressurised, as he has enough to cope with as do I.
No I havent spoken to him as yet. I had a horrendous weekend where I didnt communicate with him at all, but texted him this morning and had a general chat on the phone tonight for 45 mins.
He is happy for me to go up and I am going on Thursday and staying over, so this is when I will be speaking to him about our relationship as I think it can only be done face to face. Its difficult though to start a conversation like that and I dont know how i'm going to approach it as yet. All I know is that I have always looked forward to seeing him and being with him when I can but i'm biting my nails now wondering what to say to him and how to say it.
Thanksfor keeping in touch with me. It helps to know someone out there is thinking of me. x
Of all pains, the greatest pain,
Is to love, and to love in vain.
Yes, I will let you know how it goes. Hopefully better than my mind is thinking right now, although I always think the worst. Thanks for reminding me to look after myself too as so often I am so concerned for my friend that I forget that I am in need of some TLC too.
Of all pains, the greatest pain,
Is to love, and to love in vain.
Yes he was great and it really lifted me for a while and I really want this relationship I have with him to continue. I have already made it quite clear that I don't want the heavy involvement of marriage again and he seems happy to let us just drift along like we are, seeing each other occasionally, chatting on the phone etc, but I need something more concrete than that with him. I dont feel that I can put pressure on him right now for that as we have no idea when his ex wife will start divorce proceedings, and when she does that will send him back into severe depression once again.
Ideally I would like to get the tenancy of my home back from my ex and then see if I can do a house exchange and move up nearer to him. Currently we live 100 miles apart.
Shirl x
Of all pains, the greatest pain,
Is to love, and to love in vain.
Ok. Things just get worse. I'm signed off for a month and on antidepressants. My wage slip has arrived and I find that I have not been paid for my guaranteed hours. (I am guaranteed 37 hours per week plus my caring that I do on top) Getting hold of the company to get them to do something is proving impossible. That now means we have very little to live on for the rest of this month and I cant MOT my car either. (disappears back into deep black hole)
Of all pains, the greatest pain,
Is to love, and to love in vain.
My manager is the person causing the problem, plus she's sleeping with the boss, so I stand no chance!
Really really down in the depths of despair again tonight too. I stayed with my friend on Thursday and rang him on Friday night. Since then I havent had a text or a call - nothing. Really really hurting. I just want to stop all this hurt now. Wish I had some way of doing it.
Of all pains, the greatest pain,
Is to love, and to love in vain.
Secondly, they can't 'punish' you for being ill. Have you spoken to your manager or the boss about it? It's illegal to discriminate against you. Please be careful. It might be worth popping down to your nearest Citezen's Advice Beureau if that doesn't sort the problem.
Is there anyone you could borrow some money from in the short term while this gets sorted out? Or explaining to the bank and getting a short term overdraft?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I already have a small loan plus my credit rating is crap as well so i'm stuffed basically. All that plus I have now been in touch with my boss who says that in order to get paid guaranteed hours I have to work a full 4 weeks so I dont get anything from them either.
Plus I havent heard from my friend since I spoke to him on Friday night so I dunno whats going on.
I just cant do this stuff any more. My head is about to explode.
Of all pains, the greatest pain,
Is to love, and to love in vain.
