how to communicate to my manager?/UPDATE & question re GP
Since my situation at work changed [details confidential still] I've had no contact with my manager, well, no communication. I get the feeling she doesn't want to know, there's too much else going on.
I need to say something to her, about how I'm struggling, and a couple of practical concerns. But basically it's reassurance seeking me seeking reassurance, and that's inappropriate, really.
It's all suddenly as if my concerns aren't their business any more.
Trouble is I am quite severely depressed, my memory and concentration is off. I'm working as hard as I can. But I am also feeling suicidal and have self harmed a couple of times in the past fortnight. This is partly work related, but no one can do anything anyway, and I'm getting good support from my team. Technically work can't do anything. So maybe I should just say nothing. But historically then I just build up resentment and all my Borderline stuff acts up. I don't know the 'middle line'. Well, I do, saying something simply. But it's not simple.
Perhaps, instead of 'cornering' her at work, when she is likely to be busy and distracted, you could ask her if there was a time slot available for the both of you to sit down and have a chat together, without any distraction. Perhaps during a lunch break, or immediately after work.
If you feel uncomfortable asking her this to her face, then perhaps an email to arrange an appointment?
However, it does sound like with all that is happening she is likely to be distracted by a hundred and one different things so it may be that she cannot offer the support you want. How would you feel about that if it were the case?
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Well, I was going to drop her an email. I guess I could mostly bypass the reassurance seeking thing by simply alerting her that my short term memory is not functioning well, and to be lenient with me if I make mistakes that are totally unintentional, because I can't retain the information on every single one of the procedures as they keep changing.
Something happened yesterday which could have got me in trouble, but a colleague picked it up and protected me, so I won't get punished. [Someone else got punished for doing a similar thing.] NB I wouldn't say re this in the email! Just as an alert.
Maybe I shouldn't be at work right now. Who knows.
I agree with Mikey, you could arrange a time that is suitable for both of you to talk. I think the last thing you need is extra stress from work. You and your health is important. If things are affecting work then maybe them knowing might be helpful for both of you. Perhaps there is someway they can help ease your concerns or make work less stressful.
A notebook is a good idea, but we're constantly moving around so it's hard to keep tabs on something like that. It's like working on a shop floor, but answering the phone, running up and down stairs, picking up stuff, all at once!
You have every right to make an appointment, and during that appointment, you have the right to expect focus to be with you. That is what appointments are for.
I do understand how chaotic work is right now, but your manager should not just be ignoring you - It may be that this is unintentional, in which case, you are right to flag this up to them. Let them know that while all this is going on, you are still their employee and have the same rights as before it begun happening.
Do stand your ground a little here, Katie. You have rights to time from your manager in order to support you in your work - Whether you are going through a restructural process or not.
*safe hugs*
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Well, I emailed. She said she'd speak with me this afternoon.
Did she?
No.
She spoke with almost everyone else individually though.
Cue Borderline-me coming in full force internally, at least. Am trying to calm her down.
I'm just not that important. Not any more. I need to just accept that. But I am struggling, and it's hard.
I'm going to go against thr grain here and say that maybe right now isn't appropriate to talk to your manager.
I agree you need support but maybe this is better coming from your team rather than your manager. You've mentioned that actually there is nothing they can do and that your reassurance seeking and I think if you draw on your empathetic understanding you will see what a stressful situation she is in.
Maybe you could offer her a listening ear? I know that sounds crazy as it's you who is ill but actually you may be able to see things from her perspective which might help you realise it's not you who has done something wrong.
As for the practical problems if you could think about how your manager mint help you and try it yourself? If it's memory the write things down. If it's remembering a procedure do you have an office or back room? Maybe you could print the procedure out and put it on the wall? So you can go check it when needed. If your worried about losing the notebook keep it close to you or put it somewhere you pass often. If you get into the habit of keeping it on you then it shouldn't be so much of an issue.
I know what I have said may seem a little backwards but I think long term being able to problem solve yourself will actually get you more noticed by your manager but for different reasons.
I do get what you're saying, and I've tried to bear that in mind today [read it this morning before work]. In my more well state of mind I might have been able to go with that route. Sadly, I AM rather unwell at the moment, and I am ashamed to say that only when I managed to articulate to her what's behind my concerns etc and heard back from her understanding and reassurance, could my internal world start to be more in touch with reality and bear and contain the different layers of myself and be more kind to myself. My internal bully is creating mayhem inside of me, all the more so because I am at last starting to challenge it, in therapy.
I am going to be speaking with her properly later this week, now. I think I managed to communicate more clearly my needs [not simply for reassurance + bashing myself for seeking that, well, needing it - if I could say exactly what is happening, people reading this might understand more clearly, but I cannot reveal things, so.]
Being so exhausted doesn't help. Nor having constant headaches and other physical aches and pains.
Now you will be speaking with her later in the week i really hope it goes well.
Well done for perservering with communicating with her even though you were finding communication really hard.
And as im sure you are doing remember to use the support of your team as much as possible and us here too.You are going through a really hard time and so please keep telling yourself its ok to ask for support and need it and whatever your manager cant provide hopefully maybe someone else can provide at least some of.
i cant imagine how hard things must feel or be but please just try and take every day or block of hours at a time and you will get through.Thinking of you.
xx xx
PS Sorry for posting this at the bottom but above you mentioned maybe you shouldnt be at work right now.And i wondered if this had been discussed with your doctors or team at all about their thoughts on the matter if they know how bad things are etc?Just a thought.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
The thing re being at work is a tricky one, as a lot of the time I function really well, but I can fall into 'pockets' of darkness, or feel overwhelmed at times, and these can't be predicted. Also, I need to be around people, I isolate way too much already. But I do have a 'martyr' tendency. It's hard to find the balance still.
I eventually saw her late this afternoon. She was [is] very understanding. She wasn't angry with me, she was very supportive.
She has advised me to discuss my difficulties with memory and concentration [which come from tiredness and stress and a head full of complex emotion] with my GP.
I'm worried she will 'enforce' a med increase, although last time I saw her she was fine with what my therapist and I agree as it being not the right thing, as I'm working through things and am able to reflect.
Hey,
I'm glad you managed to speak to your manager and that she was supportive and understanding of your needs. I hope that her words and actions have been able to calm some of your anxieties and fears.
Perhaps speaking to your GP about these problems is a good idea, to make sure that they are up to date with how you are and how things are going even? I'm glad that you are feeling able to work through things in therapy and it seems that your GP values this work which is a really good thing. But your GP may be able to help you with some of these problems in a way you haven't thought of yet?
I'm sorry I don't have much advice but I hope that you are safe and that you stay safe
Sarah
x
You see a mouse trap
I see free cheese
And a ****ing challenge
How on earth will your manager "enforce" a med increase? Its nothing to do with her. Id be pretty positive that unless you had mentioned this to her she hasnt noticed a decline in your work at all. Id say there were far more things for her to worry about.
From my own experience, its always helpful if staff let you know whats going on, but usually if its a problem you will be approached first and so in the absence of an approach i would try not to worry.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
No, my GP might 'enforce'. She likely won't, but as she is ultra careful with dishing more zopiclone, the alternative is med increase.
Matt, you're right, she hadn't noticed anything as such and does have a plateful of stuff. But I always have a policy of making a 'heads up' as soon as I'm aware of a potential problem, so that it is less likely to escalate into something bigger. I'm really honest, sometimes too honest, but it's better than pushing everything away or hiding things and then it all getting out of control.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Yeah. I try! They do respect me for it, though. By today, I'd given myself SUCH a hard time already, no one else needs to! Seriously though, it's a whole work in process.
