Triggering (ED) - Not Ready (support?) *clothes sizes*
I'm sorry for posting again, you guys must be sick of me.
And I'm sorry I'm so useless at replying to threads right now.
Gawd, I'm hardly giving anything back. I don't really deserve the help I'm asking for but I'm asking anyway.
Over the last few week or so I've been trying to psych myself up for seeing everyone again after the holidays.
I gained, but after being ill again I lost most of the extra weight I'd put on and I was using that as a way of saying to myself that I'd be okay and no one would notice I was the size of a two bedroom semi.
But then everything crashed. The last couple of days my mum has been buying in a load of crap for me. When I binged all the time I used to like iced buns and belgian buns and stuff like that. And after my exam results I allowed myself a couple of oatmeal and raisin cookies because I'd done well. My mum basically took this as a sign that I want loads of junk food even if I haven't eaten it for a long time. And I feel horrible if I don't eat it so I end up binge/purging on all this crap so I can get it gone and get back to my calorie plan and my restricting without these horrible interruptions. That means I've gained back all the weight I lost.
And yesterday I went into town with my friend and she was complaining about how she's getting fat and has "huge childbearing hips" because now she doesn't know know whether she's a size 8 or a 10. As you can imagine when I'm still buying a size 16 that makes me feel like a huge blob, god, I can't even describe how awful I felt yesterday. And when all I ate for lunch was an apple (just for the sake of it appearing that I ate) she complained I was being healthy.
I don't know why that made me feel bad. Maybe I wanted her to notice, but I don't know what I want from that because I don't want to get better. I'm too big and I'm not ready.
So this weekend (& monday) has just completely knocked me down.
I'm not ready to go back to school any more. I can't face going to sixth form, walking through those doors and feeling so huge. Looking so freaking huge, and there will be new people there as well. New people who will see me and think "god, how does someone get so big?" because right now the only thing I can see shrinking is my chest (not that it has much left to shrink).
I'm back to restricting and purging and it makes me feel... happier? No, not happy but, better? I'm looking at thinspo as well, and videos on you tube and I joined Livejournal just so I could look for pro-communities that will never let me join because I'm too big.
Yeah, I know how hurtful it can be when your friends say things like that. The fact is that there are people who cannot understand what it is to have an unhealthy relationship with food. They don't mean to be hurtful, they just don't comprehend the massive emotional weight that gets attached to everything that goes in your mouth when you have food/control issues.
Restricting and purging will give you the sensation that you're in control. But this is not the behaviour of someone who is in control of themselves and their environment. You know what you need to do, which is stick to your calorie plan and try to get some exercise. Bingeing and restricting is a vicious cycle and it won't get you anywhere. Ask your mum not to buy so much junk food; just tell her it makes it harder for you.
As for going back to school - yes, I used to dread that too and I can understand your feelings. But you need to recognise that other people do not think about you and your body in the way that you do. You look at the world through the distorted lens of your food issues and it assumes an importance for you it doesn't have for everybody else. Just take deep breaths and try as hard as you can to stick to a sensible food plan, and don't give up/freak out/binge/purge/restrict if you go wrong once. You can't be perfect all the time; just write it off and carry on.
And hey, I'm size 20, so you're welcome to come and stand next to me any time, I guarantee it'll make you feel better about yourself!
You can do this. You're strong.
I'll strip myself to death as to a bed that longing has been sick for - WS
Sweetie although you feel huge, in reality you're not. & you look absolutely GORGEOUS.
I can see that going shopping with your mate & her making comments like that could be hurtful because it happened to me the other day (shopping with 2 size 8-10 girls, & I'm nowhere near that small).. But basically, everyone's got issues with themselves.. No matter how small people get, they don't seem to be happy.
I'm sorry you're dreading school, but I'm sure you don't look much different from when you were last there, and no-one'll notice that anything's changed.
Hey, i'm not that great at advice, but i thought i'd try.
A size 16 is the average size in the UK now, and you most certainly aren't fat or huge from the pictures dotted around the site, that much is for sure, it must feel bad if someone complains they're fat and you've got a bigger dress size, but that really doesn't mean anything.
School is a daunting time, it is for almost everyone, but you've just got to chin up, get some confidence in yourself and it will show, even if you have gained anything, it doesn't matter, because you look great.
As for pro communities, you're just better off steering clear of them, they're only going to bring out more insecurities, and you're stronger then that. (I know i don't know you, but i've been on the forum for a while and i've seen your posts)
So yea, sorry if it's a bit uselss, but i hope you enjoy yourself when you go back to school, and don't worry about your size, there's nothing wrong with it at all. Trust us, so just take care, and take it easy x.
On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
Hun I dont have much to add, but you are beautiful and I just wish you could see it xxxx
L_M_G is my mummy :) inkerman and razorbladedarling are my two non-identical twin sprogs (concieved on same day) Scabette< cos she has the cutest puppy dog eyes and i cant resist!feeling-afraid< my bottle of glitter!! which i just have to have :Pmidnight stars< my gorgeous sister, whom i love to bits ;) Dance With The Fairy< *star*gazing*buddie :] Broken-Fairy is my partner in crime ;) little_miss is my real life saviour PaperClip is my stationary queen
Sweetheart I'm sorry you had a bad day. <33 *Huge squeezes*
You deserve to be happy my darling, and you do not deserve to feel like that EVER. But you are an amazingly beautiful person and obviously your eyes are quite clouded by your ED, but you are amazing and wish you could see it like the rest of us. Please try and enjoy the rest of school, and i'm always here if you need anything at all.
Paige <33
x.
