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Want to give up
Im falling apart again.
I want to self destruct, I cant do this anymore.
All the flashbacks are back, I thought I had gotten rid of them, well not gotten rid of them but they were gone for so long and I dont think I appriciated it. I cant beleive something so little has brought them all back so strong and I cant deal with them. Back to making mistakes in work, losing hours of my days and being "asleep" but when I get up feeling like i was never in bed in the first place. Im so tired of it all and tonight I just want to give up.
Everyone thinks Im better, a friend asked to see my arms the other day, she so happy that they have no fresh wounds, she never asked about my legs though, she doesnt know about that. I havent cut for nearly 2 weeks but now I feel like tonight Im going to do serious damage because its all building up like im going to explode. A very small part of me is scared of this but the most part of me doesnt care, in fact i want to do damage i want to block it all out. But then its doesnt feel like cutting is going to be enough. I want it all to be over, to never feel anything again. But then theres this very quiet voice in the back of my head saying "you cant hurt people", but theyd get over it right, if I made sure they knew its not any of their faults, its just me being so useless at life, why cant I just be normal.
I tried being around people the other day when I was feeling nearly this low, all it did was make me feel even more useless at being a person, I just cant interact with people, I cant tell them how im feeling or what im thinking, if I think im crazy, what are they going to think of me.
Im tired of trying everyday, fighting everyday to stay here when my only reason is to not hurt others. There is no reason that I want to live for me, why do I have to keep doing it for everyone else
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