PTSD or DID? What is the fear, physical sensations, repeated words ...

Caro98765 · 29-12-2010, 07:58 AM

Hello,
Does anyone relate to this?
I have just started posting and have gone about it in two ways. First, I thought it was PTSD and then last week I found that it might be DID.
So here goes.
1. PTSD?
Experts out there - is this flashbacks or what? Because I did have some life threatening traumas pre birth as my mother had a severe heart condition and after I was born, she could not look after me. Plus other stuff in preschool years.
There is a constant tension and I cannot relax. Ever. I am always on the alert. The stress hurts my chest. At night, I am tense and wait for the stuff to come and then I fight it off. I feel bonds around my wrists (sensory flashbacks) and the fear is worse than the normal base line of fear and so if I give in, I imagine being taken prisoner and being punished for escaping and that relaxes me enough to let me go to sleep - sometimes after an hour or more though. All my life from preschool days onward. I thought I would grow out of it. Stupid wasn't I?
Then I went for some counselling and they said it might be parts but I don't have memory gaps as in missing time although I am aware that I suppress some things, like just recently I spoke to someone on the telephone about this and got very upset and afterwards I could not break though to remember what had led up to it - and I knew that I was blocking myself from remembering.
Then I found out that the tension might be a part so I spoke to the one who watches and when I asked it to back off so I could sleep, bad things started to happen and I felt an oppression.
And there are other things that play in my mind, phrases that go on and on and on, over and over again until I suppress them.
So when I try to relax and go elsewhere with the bondage thing, I make up stories that frighten me and it helps me relax. So these unwanted intrusions, are they flash backs or something else.
2. DID?
I thought that they were levels of distress and so I suppressed them and last week I found out that I can talk to them. I don't think I am Multiple because I don't have missing time periods.
If I could give this a name, it would help me find help. It has been going on all my life but about a year ago, I stopped suppressing everything because a counsellor said that she could help me. After a few months, she said that she was retiring and she didn't know what to do. Well that's just great for her, but for me, I was now living in the outer suburbs of hell because, guess what? I had stopped suppressing. I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to know why I was getting sicker and sicker. If this is a common thing or you know what this is, I would be so grateful to hear from you. This is the first forum I have posted on about this sort of thing.
OK First there is a tension. Constant alertness all my life. I am a grown woman and I call it he. His name is 'Watching' and I asked what he did and he said, "I suppress everything." Yep. That makes sense because I don't feel emotions much other than fear, which I ignore (ha, ha) and I make myself do the ordinary things of life anyway. I just read most of a page on the internet about integration and I had to stop because my stomach is twisting into knots, I am getting extremely upset and starting to cry and 'Watching' is screaming "Noooooo!" Oh God help me.
The next level says 'Keep Away From Me." I use that to make up stories which terrify me so that I can relax from the effects of 'Watching' enough to go to sleep. It calms me down. Apparently PTSD people do this. It has worked all my life and when I was in full suppression mode, I used to lie in bed and fight it off - one night I counted six times. I like this because I am used to it and I can control it and I can get to sleep by going somewhere else. I thought suppressing it would stop it or that I would grow out of it.
Anyway, it protects me from the next one, which is "I Hate Me." This used to just come out when I was tired and hungry so I now tell it that I am going to get some food and it stays silent for a few minutes until it is fed and then it stops. That is until I went to another counsellor who prayed to have God comfort the "little me." Some of the chest pain from the tension caused by 'Watching' left but I started to spend entire days hearing myself say I hate me over and over and over and over. I'd even find myself singing it. It is very annoying. I told it to stop and it did. Then I found out that it was protecting me from the next horror which is 'I Need To Hurt Myself' would like to bash my head against a wall. I won't do that but a nice flexible ruler will release some endorphins, enough to stop it for a while.
This protects me from 'What's The Point of Trying' and that protects me from 'I Just Can't Take It Anymore' which protects me from, well, I guess people here have been there and I don't have to say.
Could you please reply because I can't troll the posts. I just can't do it. It hurts too much and I ...
Please.
Please reply.
Thank you,
Caro

Stellata · 29-12-2010, 08:25 AM

Whichever way you look at it, you're suffering from symptoms that are clearly on the trauma spectrum, as a result of your past. You're very hyper-vigilant, and feel very compartmentalised within. You also try to push feelings away. This is all very normal for someone with your past.

Now, I understand the need to have a 'name' for it. Really I do. Me too, for the longest time. Because I have many similar symptoms. I don't have DID, but rather the more dissociative end of Borderline pd. Complex PTSD rather, although that's a therapeutic rather than medical diagnosis.
We cannot diagnose you, and in any case, everyone is different. I might have similar symptoms, but a completely different diagnosis, especially from different doctors or psychiatrists.

Bottom line - you're experiencing the sequelae of trauma in your past, and need help to manage that, and to feel more whole.

I see your note asking for email replies. That isn't the way the forum works - you post on the forum, people reply on the forum. However there are ways to make it easier for you. You can subscribe to this thread in your control panel, and it will not only show up in your control panel when you click on it, but also you can request email confirmation of replies. There will be a link to this thread in the email you receive.

BrightRed · 31-12-2010, 01:38 AM

hi, I don't have much advice, but you are definitely not alone with these symptoms.

I think you should see a psychiatrist, if you haven't already, maybe he or she can provide the answers you're looking for.

Pm me anytime :)

Horizon · 31-12-2010, 03:10 AM

Has a professional siggested DID or PTSD to you? If not, I would not focus on the diagnosis aspect and instead focus on what it means to you and how it's affecting you. And if you don't see a psychiatrist, I would recommend it.