I totally don't feel comfortable with posting here, but, I'm going to - I'm sorry if I delete it really quickly!
There are certain things that I can remember, really, really hazy though, certain relationships that weren't right, things that I knew from a very young age that I'm not sure where normal to know about - and issues that come from that.
I have no proof that anything ever happened, I have no proof that this isn't just dodgey dreams or something! It totally could be....
BUT....
Do you think it's possible for something to happen to you, and for you to block it all?
Erm, thank you for any replies. x
-“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” Anais Nin-
Allie, Mutt, Great Grandma, Hope and Humbug. I love you and miss you all. xx
I just wanted to type quickly just incase you delete this - I completely relate to how you feel about this. I feel/have felt similar. I often doubt my memories, often wondering if they even are "memories" to the point where I get so confused and upset. That is the main thing that is making me struggle so much lately. So I just wanted you to know that I can relate...
Take care.
I hope you manage to keep the thread up. I think a lot of people will be able to relate to this...you're definitely not alone xxx
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Yes, it is possible for something to happen to you and for you to block it all; it's called repression. The mind does this when something happens that it knows the conscious mind wouldn't be able to deal with, so it takes the information and makes your conscious mind forget it, but it remains in your unconscious.
About 5 months ago (or thereabouts) it eventually dawned on me that I was abused "in that way" (I'll avoid saying it in case it triggers you). I don't know what caused me to realise it, but I just did. Of course I have no proof that it happened; the only proof I do have is my behaviour now, which, in my mind, was shaped by what happened back then.
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Don't rush yourself. Take as much time as you need to come to terms with it, and understand it. Rushing yourself will only cause you further distress, at a time like this you need to be gentle with yourself.
Gosh, I can really relate to this. I want to give you a big hug. Right now, whether or not you have something "concrete" is irrelevant. What matters is the fact that there is something there and it's making you feel like this. It's your feelings that matter right now. I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Trying to explain to you what someone else tried to explain to me recently..
What do you mean when you say something "awful" ? I think I understand, if it is in the same way that I have said that before. I'm not really good with advice at the moment, but I really can relate to this. I'm sorry you are struggling with this
just wanted to say i understand how confusing and scarey it is, also how much you question and doubt yourself. i have flashbacks about things that have happened as a teenager and recently new ones have started from alot younger, something i have no idea about or if it actually happened but would explain alot.
just wanted to let you know your not alone in feeling how you do. *hugs*
The glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time you fall. (chinese proverb)
We can cure physical disease with medicine but the only cure for loneliness, despair and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love.(mother teresa)
Well..... Things are just a bit odd.... I had OCD from about 3ish so my brain already worked in a kinda 'odd' way, and my T has said that the stuff I've told her, ahemff which is only bits, is related to my OCD and my OCD has probably just clung to that and made it into something else.
But.
There are just odd little bits that really, really bother me.
Erm erm. Like. Ack, I can't.
-“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” Anais Nin-
Allie, Mutt, Great Grandma, Hope and Humbug. I love you and miss you all. xx
I'm sorry - I don't want to explain what or why, I just can't, I'm not comfortable even talking to someone in 'real life' and I totally cannot write it on here for everyone to read. I'm sorry. Thank you so much for your replies though.... They do mean the world.
It's kinda just helped to know that I'm not totally crazy or pretending. I still don't know whether they are real, I don't even have full events, just little teeny tiny bits - it's like a really old piece of film or something! Erm yeash, so it's not even real really. I'm probably just making something out of nothing; just me being stupid again. <3
-“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” Anais Nin-
Allie, Mutt, Great Grandma, Hope and Humbug. I love you and miss you all. xx
There are just odd little bits that really, really bother me.
^^ I could have written that myself.
You're being really brave talking about it here, and I don't mean that in a patronising way. Keep posting if it's helping you to share your thoughts on this..
Like someone already said...take your time. We are all listening xxx
Oh oh, one thing I can totally tolerate saying on here is that I cannot, absoloutely cannot stand seeing anything on TV or in films.
Whether it's a married couple, or it is actually an abuse scene; I just cannot even sit in the same room. I watched a really awful film lately that was beyond anything I'd seen before and just 'too' much and I fast forwarded through quite a bit, and then left the room for the rest of it; I was with my dad lol so tried to make it not obvious! Anyway, my family know I cannot stand watching it on TV as my sister takes the mickey out of me; she says I'm scared of the act.... But, like, I dunno. I suppose I am really. Watching things on TV, even if it IS a loving relationship being portrayed, I just cannot, I just.... I don't know. However, the abusive scenes are much worse; but then. Is that normal for everyone? Does anyone like seeing things like that on TV? You know? Maybe that is just a totally normal thing!!!!! x
-“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” Anais Nin-
Allie, Mutt, Great Grandma, Hope and Humbug. I love you and miss you all. xx
I get that way about abuse scenes. I'm kind of ok if I'm on my own, but if there's someone else in the room, a wave of guilt washes over me for some reason, I feel panicky, as if they're going to somehow *know*. I don't know if that's the same as you're talking about.
I have a repressed memory. It's not completely repressed, I do remember some stuff. And then I assume that the worst of it is repressed, I kind of hope it is, I wouldn't be impressed at my mind if it let me remember the worst and blocked out the rest... but anyway. I don't think I'm going to remember the repressed bit, I think I would have already if I was going to.
The closest I really have to remembering anything is some just some feelings really, probably fear mainly, and some other stuff, but as for what actually physically happened, I have no idea, mind is completely blank. I've gone through periods of trying to remember, because I thought it would help me 'get better'. But I can't force my mind to let me remember something it obviously doesn't want me to know about.
Repressed memories are difficult to deal with. This probably isn't much help, it's just my experiences of it.
Your def not alone, I could almost of written the original post myself. Its horrible having memory blanks, I have lots of my childhood which seems to have just vanished from my mind. I doubt things I do think I feel or remember... And in my head i always seem to make up 'what if' stories, that consume me and feel real, but im in charge of.....
One of my siblings was abused and I feel so guilty about it, Then I feel worse caus me doubting my past makes me feel selfish like am i just making this up, when my sis has been through so so much?
I just feel something is wrong, I mean from my behaviours etc, It could be because my family was chaotic (dad was, now dead from a heroin addiction, mum recovering alcoholic, domestic abuse, abuse of my si by dead evil bastard father.....) BUt things were odd in hindsight before that stuff all happened in my early teens, like I slept in the fetal position from the age of 6? Was terrifed of going to sleep all through my childhood. I just dont know.
Im really sorry for going on, dont want to hijack your thread, just want you to know that you are not alone!!
Sorry.
