I got to the weight.
The weight that I said I would stop all this when I got there.
But I can't stop.
I tried to eat I did.
But I just can't do it.
That voice in my head is telling me it's not good enough...that I need to keep going. His voice.
It's how I cope with everything else. I don't know how to function without it anymore.
I think I screwed up majorly.
Sorry xo
"And just like the movies, we play out our last scene. You won't cry, I won't scream."
"There's just chaos, and violence, and random unpredictable evil that comes out of no where. && rips you to shreads."
No one knows about my eating disorder. Someone did but it was mentioned once and never again and I can't talk to them about it.
&& I'm in a difficult position about help...because of my job I can't really get any. If work found out...I'd be fired && I love my job.
"And just like the movies, we play out our last scene. You won't cry, I won't scream."
"There's just chaos, and violence, and random unpredictable evil that comes out of no where. && rips you to shreads."
You need to take care of yourself now. You know your not in the right frame of mind to take care of others, you really do need to tell someone... Before we lose you...
I think you should get help. This sounds really horrible and I honestly honestly don't mean it that way, I hope you understand I'm not being mean, but I don't think you're in the right place right now to be doing that job. You are more important and this post means you are really struggling.
Do you think your job is helping you as well? I know if I worked in that area of work it would be hard. And you have to think about the kids too. What do you think?
Eating disorders are awful. None of us want it to destroy your life completely.
You know, you can always work helping people when you are healthy and happy and I am so sure you will be able to help them so much, it's clear you love your job, and they wouldn't have hired you if they didn't think you'd be great, but first you need to look after yourself. I know this is a bit of a rambley reply and not what you want to hear, so sorry, but I care.
Miranda. xx
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
&& at work I eat....its probably the only place in the world at this point you can get me to put food in my system and keep it there. Because i'm too busy thinking about keeping them safe during meal times and the voice kinda gets drowned out with a million other thoughts.
I'm probably not in the right place right now to be doing a job like this. You're right and thank you for your advice and concern.
"And just like the movies, we play out our last scene. You won't cry, I won't scream."
"There's just chaos, and violence, and random unpredictable evil that comes out of no where. && rips you to shreads."
Jade sweetheart, your life is more important than any Please, sweetheart. Get help.
You mentioned his voice, but said it gets drowned out at work. Have you tried eating while listening to music? I know its not the same type of voice, but it might just work.
As for the weight... throw the scales away. They're demons. I can tell you that, because I was there.
You can't work in any kind of care setting if you're not eating properly. Because, if you're not eating, you're n ot getting the calories you need. If you're not getting the calories, you don't have the energy. Then there's the vitamins you're missing. How long until you pass out? Care works a stressful job. You're on your feet all day.
hell, if it means you never work in care again, just get some help. asap. please?
I'm sorry I don't really have the words. You need to get help, at the end of the day you need to look after yourself over your job :( *hugs* I'm really really sorry, I just wanted you to know I carex x x x
