I need help, support, something. Sorry if this is triggering. I am crap. Any advice or support or hugs would be great.
I cannot carry on doing this. I am screwed up. Someone made a mistake when they decided I should be born. My SI is much better than it used to be and yet I feel worse than ever and carry on doing self destructive things like not eating/eating too much+making myself sick (not regularly- I dont have an eating disorder), ODing/excessivley drinking. I have times when I am 'fine' although when I look back on them or stop to think during them then I feel like I wasn't 'fine'. I dont belong here. I dont connect in the world the way everyone else does.
Other times I feel euphoric, on top of the world, capable of anything, energized and this can last for days and is fantastic. But then I feel really low, alone, destructive, tired and separated from everything. I fantasise about suicide then hate myself for it.
I want this to all stop. But if I go to speak to someone I am afraid they will tell me I dont fit any 'diagnosis' and therefore must be fine. And I'm not. I dont think I could handle it. Or I am scared they will tell me I am psychotic or something and lock me up and I dont need or want this either. Even if I went to see someone I wouldnt be able to verbalise how I am feeling when asked anyway. It's useless.
Sorry, I dont know what I want from this post but any advice or support would be great. Please someone reply.
I think you should talk to someone about it. I know it's scary, but I think it will help. They're not going to tell you that there's nothing wrong with you. They're not going to tell you you're psychotic, either, unless there's a lot you're not telling us, and they're not going to lock you up unless you tell them you're planning to kill yourself soon, and already have a plan for how and when that you seriously intend to follow through with. My guess: they'll tell you that you have bipolar disorder. That euphoric "I can do anything" feeling you described sounds a lot like mania or hypomania, and I think that feeling low is pretty self-explanatory as depressive episodes. What you described isn't so weird that you have to keep it hidden, or that a doctor wouldn't be able to make any sense of it, both types of feelings you described are actually relatively common, as is cycling between them, and it really is okay to talk to someone about it, and ask for help.
As far as not knowing what to tell them, could you print out your post here and give it to them? What you said here is enough to start with, and after that they'll ask you questions to help you figure it out even if you don't know what to say - probably a lot of it will even be yes or no questions, like to you ever feel like this, do you do this, etc. that are easy to answer. It's okay not to know exactly how to explain it, just reaching out for help is enough to start with. It's okay if part of what you need help with is figuring out how you feel, or how to express how you're feeling.
Emily
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I know its so difficult to talk to doctors, but I really do think you should see someone....as already said, I would print off your post and take it along with you. It clearly explains your thoughts and feelings.
Please let us know what you decide to do and how it goes if you do choose to see someone
thanks for the replies and hugs. I'm sorry to whine again, I just need to write this down. I feel better than I did but have just remembered I have work tomorrow and I work doing public science shows, and kids birthday parties. I dont think I can make myself go.
I know I will probably be safer but I dont know if I go I wont end up breaking down. I cant do that, not at work, not in front of kids. There are no supportive staff in tomorrow who I can talk to either. I cant call in sick cos I have been off on holiday for three weeks and I have to work sunday. It's so hard being chirpy with young kids ALL Day, the thought is making me cry. I'm so pathetic.
not pathetic at all
i uinderastand very well how hard it is to work when you feel like this.
Pls go see someone...i dont think either scenario is likely. It sounds obvious you are depressed, perhaps they will recommend an AD or a therapis/psych/etc.
What do you have to lose by going right?
Pls try.
I find it easier to take a note/letter along, because i can never say what i mean, what i need to say.
Pls just give it a try and let us know ok?
romp
When I first stopped SI I began to scare the living crap out of myself. I started doing things I never thoght I would do mainly along the lines of what you have been doing in order to "make up" for the feeling of not cutting. After a while it started to go away though. I was more able to think about the self-destructive things and I had to make myself stop doing those things in the same way I had to make myself stop cutting. You fit my diagnosis. You fit the diagnosis of a person who is recovering from self-destruction things (mainly SI). All of the things you are talking about are exactly what happened when I officially started to stop.
The only other thing I can tell you is that maybe being around kids will start up some of the grand euphoria again just for a little bit.
I dont feel so awful now. I feel flat but not really bad or destructive and havent for a few hours. I am now wondering since it's not as bad if there is any point going to speak to someone about this.
Yes, there is still reason to speak to someone about it even if you feel better right now. You said before that your feeling depressed or suicidal comes and goes, so feeling okay now is part of the pattern and doesn't mean that the pattern has stopped. The point of talking to someone is to look at the whole problem, not just why you're feeling bad on the particular day you go in, and it might even be better to start now when you're more likely to give a somewhat more objective description of what's going on.
I'm glad you're feeling better now, but I don't think that feeling less bad for a couple hours means that there's "nothing wrong" or that you shouldn't get help for all the times when you do feel worse than you do now.
Emily
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(> < ) This Is Bunny. Copy Bunny into your signature to help him on his way to world domination.
I do think that there still is a need for you to speak to someone, to possibly see a doctor.
Im glad youre feeling a bit calmer now, but the problem with depression is that it works on a cycle(or mine does).......you may feel ok'ish now but maybe in a few days time, or in a few weeks you may find yourself back in that bad place, it may become worse....
I know its scary talking to someone but it maybe for the best
I just called to try and get an appointment and was told that they are fully booked for today (fair enough) but they cant book me in for tomorrow or in fact ever- I will have to call them back at 8.30 tomorrow morning or the day I want an appointment to see if they can fit me in. This sucks- I just want this sorted and it was hard enough calling once.
