Triggering (SI) - sorry

[hazeyjane]

help me, i still hate myself with the venom i did years ago. it doesn't fucking go away. these feelings don't fucking go away,
they lie there in the background. i slurp in the snot pouring out of my fucking nose as i write this. i can't leave my room to get
a tissue. my housemates will see. see what a truly fucking awful mess i am. i'm sorry. i;m sorry for the obscenities, for the inexcuseable self-pity, self abuse and
uselessness of this rant. i'm a worthless creature. i put on my mask at the beginning of everyday and pretend that i'm over it. pretend that i'm fine. that i don't need to cut anymore.
did you know that if you leave the snot and don't blow it away it eventually gets
to it's own limit.there's only so muich snot a body can produce.
this is because i had two glasses of wine. this is my punishment.
to hate myself so much that i want to cut myself into little pieces.
why do i fucking bother. it's all such a big fat waste of time./ we all pretend that we're happy, some of us
better than others (i mean the sad normal people with no obvious mental conditions
who can't even be bothered to pretend they're happy just for the sake of other people's happiness and sanity
if my boyfriend could see me like this then he'd know just what a terrible mistake he's
made in going out with me
i'm empty, but full of hatred. want to tear at my arms. must not.
be 'strong' although where does it get me. everyone still sees the scars.
they ask their stupid frigging questions. i lie. or evade their questions.
the hatred sinks back to its' normal level as i type. i want it to return/.
i want that intensity of self hatred - where i have no doubts how i feel. no politeness, or consideration for others
or what they think of me. just pure, self absorbed hatred.
no samaritans.
i've changed my facebook status/ it's attention seeking, but then fuck it
what's so wrong if i do seek attention every once in a while.
people put that label on you when you cut anyway. what's the difference.
i know i don't cut to seek attention. i evade attention. i'd watch life on tv if i could.
like swimming spectators. you pay your 50p and that's it. no judgement, the judgement is down there in
the pool. people ignore you/ they leave you alone.
you're on the edge of their awareness - you don't even register with most
that sounds perfect, just perfect. no hassle. no pain. just watching

Yes please. Want in to that.
Sorry, sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

[jdpasino]

what has made you feel like this? keep posting i'm here *hugs* you aren't worthless

[hazeyjane]

2 glasses of wine (doesn't seem to sit well with me at the moment - stupid girl for drinking anyway)

I got upset and then worked myself up into a state. I lost my best friend in the world to cancer a couple of months ago, and last night was one of the first times I've properly cried for her. She got me through all the dark times at uni, she has been here for me since and now she's gone.

I didn't go to work today - I felt physically and emotionally drained (and to be fair, fairly horrible from crying most of the night)

Does anyone/everyone get that empty dead feeling the day after you've cut/been very close to it/got yourself worked up into that kind of state??

I feel strangely calm, but in a calm/emotionally dead kind of way. I think it must be that the brain just has to shut off to protect itself - you know you could quite easily and quickly get worked up again....

I have to be careful this weekend - I'm away with 6 other girls (not generally good with all female company at the best of times) but I'm also in charge of cocktails. It's a hen weekend, so i must do my very best to stay fine - I desperately want to ruin it for anyone. No internet either - so I'm planning on taking pen and paper in case i get bad - got to get it all out in some way. Anyone have any other thoughts/ suggestions on anything i've said above? Input ALWAYS welcome )

Ta for the hugs - need them.

xx

[jdpasino]

yes drinking does make you worse especially when you're already in a bad state because it's a depressant so it makes you feel good at first, but then you crash...anyway i'm so sorry about your friend...if you ever want to talk about that or anything else i'm here...let yourself cry for her as much as you need to, but next time don't drink and come on here instead! i know what you mean about feeling calm emotionally after you cut....usually after i cut i feel completely numb, which actually feels good to me and then the next day i feel calm emotionally like you previously stated....although the last time i cut it sent me into a state that really scared me because i felt manic like....my thoughts were rushing a mile a minute,i was pacing back and forth,i felt elated and when i talked i was talkin a mile a minute and i couldn't get my words out fast enough and i felt like i was losing my mind and unsafe....anyway sorry for going on like that just wanted you to know that i know what you're talking about...bringing paper and pen along is a good idea and as soon as you feel yourself going into a bad state write everything down as soon as possible and make sure you get it all out...i've found that helps for me i just have to start doing it again....oh and i would advise you to stay away from the cocktails*winks* i hope i've helped you some you can pm me if you'd like or just keep us updated here *hugs*

[bobbiwibble]

The calm/ emotionally drained thing I can empathise with :)
After I've gone through really strong feelings of anger or depression I tend to completely dissociate myself from the world, just lie there not even moving for hours..

You are so strong to have come this far, and to feel so strongly that you need to be there for others. It makes you a good person, better than you give yourself credit for, but it's not fair on your heart or your body.
Don't repress those feelings, because pushing them deep down doesn't get rid of them - they just sit there and fester.
None of us are as cheerful or as perfect as we'd like - that's why we're on RYL. You can't beat yourself up for feeling like crap, it's not right..
You know you've got us all behind you :) Take care of yourself, please?
*hugs*
xxxxbobbib