im trapped with no escape

Cacoethes · 23-12-2011, 09:39 PM

i feel awful for asking for support when i dont give any.

i am struggling so much

im at my nans house, hours away from the place i feel safe.
i usually feel safe here, but i knew even yesterday, that i wouldnt.
this is the first christmas where ive been so far away from any help.
christmas is hard, it is for lots of people, even for people without problems.

ive already called the house, but all ive done is worry the member of staff i spoke to.

feeling unsafe, the first time ive felt unsafe at my nans, ever.
she has a shedload of medication in the cupboard, strong ones. lots of sharp things around.
im tired, im drained, i have no energy left. the voices are worse.

i cant go anywhere for help. i cant tell my nan because she will worry so much, and just be really irritating (such a nasty thing to say)

what the fuck do i do.

well, i know, stop fucking moaning and get on with it.

just, i dont know. i need some help.
really cant cope with it anymore

PassedExpectations · 23-12-2011, 09:48 PM

is there something particular about the holidays that is stressing you right now? if there is, how else could you deal with that feeling/situation?

how long are you going to be at your nans? maybe you could plan something for when you get home so that you can focus on making it through until then.

i find that at the holidays it helps me if i try and get involved with whatever is going on, even if it feels tiresome at first. and then i take just a little time to be on my own and unwind

Cacoethes · 23-12-2011, 09:56 PM

thanks for replying

i have no idea why im feeling so bad this year. its usually a day or two after christmas that i relapsed/brokedown

im here until tuesday, i dont think the trains are running properly until then.

the thing is, there is nothing going on. its just me and my nan. we watch tv, drink tea. thats all.

just dont know how im going to cope. its so strange feeling like this while being in these surroundings

PassedExpectations · 23-12-2011, 10:04 PM

could you suggest something to do? like... are there any neighborhoods that put up lots of lights (there are a couple in my area, and people just go drive around and look at them, and listen to christmas music, get hotchocolate, etc). or, you could do games of some sort, if shes got a stash of board and card games. ummm. anybody else got ideas?

Cacoethes · 24-12-2011, 03:57 PM

thanks Katie, your support is much appreciated.

i wont go into everything that has happened, but ive been put on medication again.
hopefully it will help.
maybe
x

Pi.R^2 · 25-12-2011, 04:18 AM

I like Katie's ideas! Board games and jigsaws ftw!

Sorry things are so hard for you at the moment Becky :(
I hope the medication helps, and this is your thread, so you can talk more about what has happened if you'd like.

I hope Christmas Day goes smashingly for you.

Much love <3

Cacoethes · 25-12-2011, 09:33 PM

thanks Jenna :)

i dont like taking the medication, no medication is good in pregnancy, but benzos are one of the worst ones. along with SSRI's.
but yes, diazepam for me this christmas. so scared its going to hurt the baby, its highly addictive too, especially for people with PD's (no idea how they worked that one out)

i havnt been taking as much as im meant to, so probably why its not really working.

they did think about the local psych ward (crisis team at a&e), but i think my face told them 'dont you fucking dare'.
would be funny though, the local hospital here, my next door neighbour from when i was 5 is a nurse there.
also, the records they had on the computer were 15 years old! the address they had was from when i was 4 years old.
blast from the past.

i think i need to take it right now before i do end up back in hospital.
ive been in hospital, long admissions, every year since i was 14.
the last admission was 2 years, sectioned the whole fucking time.

i really dont want that to happen in 2012. no fucking way

Pi.R^2 · 26-12-2011, 06:20 PM

Yeah, I vote for taking the meds in the right dose. The prescriber will of weighed up the pros and cons of giving you it, and decide that this is the least risky course of action.
How was Christmas day for you?

Cacoethes · 26-12-2011, 11:42 PM

christmas day was fine, but awkward, i was round my auntie and uncles house, they split up a few weeks ago, after 20 years of being married.
my cousins didnt spend much time around, understandable.

today was a little sad, i saw my dads side of the family today, my great nan, who is 90, she forgot things within 5 minutes of them happening. she cant remember christmas day this year at all. and my dad doesnt look well, he was in hospital again this week after another fall, he had lots of bruises because of the blood thinners, and his eyes are wonky because of the strokes.
its not how i remembered things at all.
i dont like how things change so much.