I've always wanted to be a career person. I personally have never wanted children or to get married. I just want to have a good career. I don't want to have to struggle for money like I did as a child when we were very poor.
As a child I was severely abused and the idea of escaping and one day being successful was what got me through it. I wanted, one day, to be able to show everyone who hurt me that they didn't break me.
I've tried to work hard. I have a degree and an Masters. I worked since I was 15, combining work and study, so I'd have something on my CV other than my qualifications. I paid for my full time Masters myself by working 4 days a week while also studying full time. I was exhausted most of the time.
Even when I had a mental breakdown after my A-levels, the idea of going to uni (I had to take 2 years out to recover) and getting a good job was the only thing that kept me going.
I also did voluntary work and internships and work experience placement in the hope of getting a good looking CV.
Even though I've been bullied in most of the places I've worked (somehow being autistic and mentally ill seemed to make people think they could treat me like I was an inferior being) but I still stuck it out because I wanted to get the experience for my CV.
It seemed to pay off. After a 'blip' when had a job offer (in writing!) turned down when I had to admit on a health questionnaire that I was mentally 'different', I did some temping work and eventually got a good job at an internationally know organisation.
It was great - I was given responsibility and I was respected and my colleagues were fine about my differences. In fact, some treated it as a positive thing.
At the same time, my freelance arts work was also taking off, and as much as I enjoyed my job, I was having to get as little as 4 hours sleep some nights to combine both lots of work.
I was offered a 2 day a week job which I decided to take in order to have more time for my freelance work. I was really sad to leave the good job, but it seemed like the right thing to do and there was no prospect of promotion there.
All seemed well. But the people at the new job treated me very badly and were discriminatory. They even did things like sabotaging my work and files and making up lies about me (they weren't IT literate enough to cover their tracks so it was extremely obvious in some instances). I had a disciplinary meeting (sprung on me by SMS with 18 minutes notice!) where they made up even more lies and got rid of me.
I was devastated and couldn't understand why I'd been treated like that.
This was back in September. I'm still unemployed. I've applied for many jobs and taken advice from people I've worked with in the past to make sure my CV and applications are as good as they can be. I've even had interviews and was the reserve candidate for one job.
But still no job.
I'm getting so despondent. The money situation is bad as I have zero income and I'm not eligible for benefits as I have modest savings so I don't get any help from the state at all.
It is so soul destroying seeing the little money I've been saving since I was 15 go down and down.
I keep applying for so many jobs but increasingly don't even get interviewed. I ask for feedback but often it is very general "we had a lot of applicants" etc. and nothing that tells me what I did wrong and what to change. Often you don't get feedback at all, even if you ask.
After one interview I was told that I didn't talk properly! This really upset me as I've had speech therapy in the past as I have Cluttering http://www.stammering.org/cluttering.html and I worked really hard and my speech improved immensely. So this was a real slap in the face. And because I'm not working, I can't afford more speech therapy at the moment, so I'm stuck like this.
This whole situation is making me very depressed. I don't socialise as due to autism I have no inclination to and lack the ability to make and maintain friendships. I don't go out as I don't like to and I don't have 'hobbies' as I don't see the point in doing things unless I'm working towards a goal. I just don't have the same inclination for these things that other people seem to.
Without a job I am nothing. I feel so worthless. There is quite literally no point in me existing. I feel like such a failure.
WHY WON'T ANYONE EMPLOY ME???? WHAT AM I DOING THAT IS SO WRONG??
Please help me. I don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.
I want to stay strong. I want to stay positive that I'll find something. I want to keep believeing that all I've done so far is worth while.
Please help me keep believing. Please.
First, you should be congratulated on having made it this far. It sounds like you've overcome a lot, and you have accomplished a great deal. Don't give up! You'd be depriving yourself of the results of all your labor. Such chronic frustration is very hard, especially when so much of your sense of personal accomplishment is tied up in it, but things will get better. From the sounds of things, you're very qualified, and have an excellent resume. You will be hired.
As for your last job, have you looked into having them investigated for discrimination? If they treated you like this, it's possible there are others who've been discriminated against, as well. I don't know much about the actual letter of employment regulations where you are, but it certainly sounds like you have grounds for an investigation, at the very least.
^ like Pierrot says, and it's a tough environment to be job hunting, because of all the redundancies due to the economic situation. That's probably not much of a comfort, but your previous work shows you are emplyable and in a well run organisation you can be valued and succeed.
So all I can say is keep going, even though it's so discouraging. Perhaps the volunteering/internship route again? I know it will probably seem like a step backwards, but it will keep you up to date in the field and look good with employers.
^agreed with Tokolshe...current it is hard for most ppl to keep their jobs due to the world economic situation. But keep at it.....i'm sure ur resume will be good, since ur got a masters and hopefully u find a job with a good boss. Good luck with it...!
good luck. It sounds like you feel you are defined by your work, which makes being jobless even harder for you. Could you get back to freelance stuff, or even volunteering just to give you a purpose for the moment. Keep trying, sounds like with your experience and CV you will be an ideal cantidate for somebody.
Most people cant find a job regardless or experiance and degrees, so its not just you, its everyone, so you shouldnt give up, its just how the econamy is at the moment. I know people that have been looking for a job for over a year with little luck, but everyone has to keep trying, as suggested try vountary work
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
*hugs* i can relate to this a lot. i also define myself by my school/future career. when i had to take time out of school and thought i'd never go back it was very hard. and i also know what you mean a bit about being discriminated against. i do think you should look into taking action against them.
and like everyone has said, you sound very well qualified and very motivated, i'm sure you will get a job. it really is the economy though i know that's turned into the only answer you hear nowadays! but it really isn't anything you're doing wrong, it's just that EVERYBODY is looking for jobs right now. So hang in there, you will get there. I know it's hard but it really will get better. I do agree voluntary work is your best bet until you can find some paid work.
Thanks for your support everyone. I will try to hang in there.
I'm doing voluntary work around disability advocacy / rights campaigning at the moment, so that is something to put on my CV and also something I care a lot about.
I did think about legal action against my former employers, but it would be their word against mine and I don't know how that would turn out and to be honest it would be more stress than I can handle right now.
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