Triggering (SI) - Something's Wrong

bingie · 20-07-2009, 03:46 AM

So yeah. I know people dont read these really but I need to voice..

My head is messed at the moment. One minute I'm laughing and joking,being well...wierd , the next like now I'm thinking of tearing my arm up. Like even while I type this I'm not miserable I'm closer to laughing....

I havent slept in 3 days,that might explain the confusion...But yeah anyways hadnt cut at all for about 6 months. Got married in that time. Started a new job. I was all happy and gleeful then out of nowhere i get shot down.

I feel I'm useless at my job,I'm working harder than everyone else yet doing worse,I'm not getting praised I'm just making more mistakes. People who I think to be friends I feel get annoyed when I'm around. I even feel like my husband doesnt want to know my problems. Like I dragged him to this god damn country. He didnt ask for it he just followed me. I cant complain. I have no right to .

I came home from work yesterday - Told them I was sick. I just couldnt bare to be there any longer thats all - Was about to breakdown and make a fool out of myself. Had cut my arm pretty bad - Had thrown most of my long sleeve tops out so I'm pretty screwed really.
Usually I stay in this state of mind for 1 night. I have my break down and I move on. But this one is sticking and I'm getting lower and lower. And no one I can talk to. I dont even understand myself. Theres like 100 different moods going on in my head at the moment and more than anything I'm getting frustrated. At least with being miserbale thats just one.

Screw it- going to cut anyways,If only so it's just one thing I think about.

Sadiew · 20-07-2009, 04:23 AM

I'm so sorry you are feeling so miserable right now. I've had moods where everything is running through my head and my thoughts are contradictory and I can't tell if i'm happy or pissed, where I want to laugh and cry and cut all at once, so I think I can kind of understand where you are. And I very much understand what it feels like to be feeling great for a good bit of time, only to crash later. Either way, that sounds absolutely miserable. I'm so sorry you are feeling so completely shitty. Is there no one you can talk to? Maybe you could put everything out on the table to your husband, so he knows what's going on instead of having to guess? Maybe if you express your concerns he can help you. And as for the long term, maybe you could see a counselor or get some meds (assuming you aren't totally opposed) to help you deal with things? I started taking mood stabilizers, and they didn't fix everything - I still get lows - but it really did help with the worst. Just a thought. and if you can get some sleep you might feel better. everything is impossible when you've not slept for several days ^^ if you need anything feel free to pm. take care!

bingie · 20-07-2009, 04:29 AM

I was on prozac for the longest while.Loved the things really. Helped my anxiety soooo much.

Wouldnt want to explain to my husband what is going on in my head. He would just worry and get upset and he really doesnt need that,
Instead I'm chatting to his really strange yet lovely friend. Seems like I've known her my whole life ... maybe im talking to myself...hm....

But yeah Talking to her.Havent explained anything is wrong yet, On some sort of strange thing at the moment,Mind is racing and I'm typing faster than my brain can think. It's pretty cool really.

Yeah sleep would be a good idea. Sun is rising but mind going too quick. Might play a video game for a bit. Vent some enegry

Sadiew · 20-07-2009, 04:39 AM

huh. if you were on prozac and you liked it why did you stop? sounds like you did, i mean. could you go back on?

i do definitley get what you mean about not wanting to worry your husband. I've never been married, but I've felt that way talking to really close friends. From my experience they are often more worried when they found out that you hid it from them afterwards. Like, if you had a close friend that was going through what you are going through now and didn't talk about it but you found out later, wouldn't you be worried? i'm not saying you have to tell your husband, but maybe you'll be surprised. and relationships are give and take; him worrying may be worth it if it helps you. you deserve to feel better.
well that's nice that you are able to talk to someone at all and are able to have that connection. telling her might help get it off your chest at least.
lol, yeah, i noticed your typing is rather hectic ^^ not to be all "doc" or anything, but that's interesting that you are feeling like that. it could very well be just cause you haven't slept a lot, but that sounds a hell of a lot like a hypomanic episode, not sleeping for days, racing thoughts, mood swings. you might want to look into bipolar or bipolar ii (I'm the later so i've had some experience with it ^^ i get to the point where I stutter i'm thinking too fast or i speak so quickly no one understands me). not diagnosing of coure, but maybe you wanna look into it. soz for writing so much. take care!

bingie · 20-07-2009, 04:46 AM

Yeah might do. Move country and all so dr's atm is kind of "i dunno" issue. Dont want to be off work. Will draw too much attenton to myself.Cant let people know that my heads not screwed on :p

Chatting to this girl is ok. Explained the who cutting bit then the wall went up. Uncontrollable urge to change the subject and move on.Which typically I did. I dunno.

As for the prozac I came off it just before I move here so abotu 6 months ago. Benn 6 months and been fine...Well kind of fine. Difficult to think back right now but give me time and sleep and I'm sure I'll get it all in perspective.

Going to sleep now actually. As much as I like sunlight and all its a bit creepy to see it rises. Like yiouy're not supposed to see it and all until you get up...so lik wtf!!

And holy hell what is up with my spelling. Cant be too bothered to tidy it. Yeah I'm off now. Will update when brain is calmer and sun is fully risen

Sadiew · 20-07-2009, 04:49 AM

i understand changing the subject as quickly as you can, i get the same urges. it's self-preservation is all. funny it can hurt your more than help.
lol, the only time i see the sun rising is if i stay up too late ^^ well, I hope you sleep well and everything is clearer when you wake up. good luck

bingie · 20-07-2009, 02:18 PM

So I'm up and about now - on my weekend. 3 days by myself in my flat - Dont really want to go outside. Dont really want to be alone.
Sorry about last night but thanks for being there. I had kind of gotten used to being down so last night was better than anything. Got scary towards the end though. Lay in bed and found my heart rate was through the roof and I couldn't relax at all. Geez what kind of person cant even fall asleep at 5am???

But yeah I'm back down to earth now. Dont want to be.

Sadiew · 20-07-2009, 08:54 PM

that sounds pretty lonely, just staying by yourself in your flat for 3 days. i've been there, it's no trip. maybe you could see a movie? i suggest bruno, so hilarious ^^ well, i'm glad you didn't do anything you would completely regret, even when it got really bad at the end. that sucks when you can't fall asleep when you want any more, but the more you want it the harder it is it seems, lol. well, I'm glad you are doing better (it seems like that, from what I'm reading). I hope you start to feel better. if you need anything feel free to pm. take care

bingie · 21-07-2009, 02:21 AM

So the first day over now of being alone. Wasn't so bad. Spent it online playing games. Now everyone has gone to bed though it's got a bit wierd.
Was in another strange mood earlier on. Looking up porn on google...Like wth???

Have calmed down now,might be because I have a headache. 2 more days then back to work. I hate when it gets dark. I start thinking again. I miss my family and I wish I was normal. Wish I could just be like everyone else.I have no disorder and no history that could make me feel this way. I dunno...Maybe I'm just generally mad.

TinkerDebs · 21-07-2009, 05:26 PM

you are normal
we are all NORMAL
in our own ways :)
im sure your not generally mad :)
well done for playing games all night
um sorry not much else to say just thought i'd try to be encouraging

Sadiew · 21-07-2009, 09:49 PM

i agree, you aren't generally mad. ^^ you've got a lot of crap and stress and sh*t going on, but you aren't mad. glad you are a little more calmed down, though that sucks to have a headache. I heard you, the night can be completely awful, especially if you are having trouble sleeping. i'm really sorry you are feeling so alone and missing your family =( maybe you could call them. I hope things are going better, take care

bingie · 22-07-2009, 01:06 AM

Well I snapped pretty bad earlier. Decided to sort out a dr's appointment. Get some meds sorted. Maybe actually try the CBT i was recommended for back in England.
Trying to do it without people finding out is the hardest though. They cant know at work as I have tried so hard to get where I am. I cant trow all that away just because I feel sad.
I dont want to worry my husband. He doesnt need me moaning. I tried hinting to him earlier. Said I'd been watching some videos online and alot felt like I do or acted like I did but I dont think he got it and I'm not one for pushing the problem.
Wish he would just say to me "something is up with you,you seem sad"

Sadiew · 22-07-2009, 04:13 AM

so, you snapped and then decided to get an appointment and get some meds going? well, then it sounds like you snapping worked out for the better? unless I understand you incorrectly? (seems fairly likely ^^)
that sounds pretty difficult to keep this all from everyone at work. do you have to put a "face" on to keep thing from knowing?
i like to do the hinting thing all the time as well ^^ but, it often doesn't work I've found. i know it's hard, but is there any chance you can/would bring it up to him, straight-forward? he may really want to know, but just doesn't pick up when you are hinting something. I've noticed that it seems that the problem is obvious when I hint to people, but it often isn't unfortunately. of course, i'm not good at taking my own medicine =) (figuratively) and it's not moaning if you are feeling this completely sh*itty and like things are falling down. if that's moaning, when can people really share their thoughts without being considered to be moaning (hope that made sense). i absolutely know what you mean, it would be so much easier if people could pick it up and ask what's wrong. but, you've got to give your husband something work with ^^ (not trying to be harsh, really.) take care

bingie · 22-07-2009, 03:46 PM

Going to try and talk to him later - Not sure how to start with him really.
I do have a face at work. I do get called "emo" soemtimes because I'm not the most social of people and I do listen to some really rubbish music and of course you do get the odd s/h joke in there. But 90% of the time I'm just like whatever,I'm not one of these stupid kids. Thing is I cant just turn around and go - yeah thats me...I'm miserable,I cut my arms and sometimes I do want to die...Because then they'll all know and I'll be excluded even more than I am already.
God I hate stereotypes for making me seem like some stupid kid.

Sadiew · 22-07-2009, 08:47 PM

it is hard to start a conversation about something as serious as that. you might want to consider writing down what you want to cover beforehand, so you don't forget it. or you could even write a note and give it to him. that helps some people.
yeah, the whole thing is sh*t. you feel crappy, but if you tell anyone how you feel they may get freaked out and things will just worse. it's like it kicks when you are down, over and over. and it's not like they have to know at work anyway, right? they call you emo? that's pretty harsh, since they mean it that way. I'm sorry, people just suck sometimes XP sterotypes do bite. it seems most people really don't get it and think it's hillarious or stupd, until they do it or someone they love does it (then they'll hopefully try to understand).