the list
 

because when this woman sat me down and told me to list all the people who i felt had sexually or physically abused/ assaulted me, I was as shocked as her :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying:

Dad
Karen
Peter
Catherine
Christina
Ben
Patrick
the Croydon man
the ones on the heath
Luke

and obviously Luke spans 5 of those

dirty little S H I T

i hate myself i dont even know how to explain
ifeel like ive got creepy crawlies all over my body
everyone come and have a gawp. want a go? everyone else has had one.

*safe cuddles*

You're not dirty sweetheart. It's not your fault.

Shh, honey *sits with you*

I really do know how you feel - it can be so scary to look back and think of all the people that've treated us badly. Sometimes it even feels like it must be our fault because there's so many. But it isn't your fault and you're not dirty. They are the dirty ones because they chose to do those things - it wasn't your fault and you couldn't've made them do it in any way.

Did you have to list all these today, sweetheart? Maybe it would help to just wrap yourself up and watch a nice film or do something that makes you feel safe and calm for the rest of the day.

And not everybody will hurt you, lovely. Not everyone is going to "come and have a go". I know it hurts, I know it feels like that - but they won't. It takes a while to trust again and to see that, but it does happen. Not everyone will hurt you.

Even my daddy, even Patrick *cries*
I make people hurt me, it's all I can do
I never talked about karen before to ANYONE but she was trying to make me say why i dont trust the police and i had to change the subject

its such a good thing that your talking about it with her hun, thats a huge step and you should be so proud of yourself.

i know it feels liek you make people do these things to you but i swear to you you dont.
people pick on people who are vunerable and that vunerability wasnt your fault. and you couldnt have changed things

the important thing is to recognise this and try to help yourself now.

Oh darling. No one should have to go through what you have went through.

Im so sorry to hear this. Remember your not dirty, because if you are, I am.

x

thats not true :'(
because it might happen next week, or the week after, and i'm still not done anything about it
it makes itlook like i want it i dont want it i hate it i hate it

dirty little BITCH

i dont know what to do.

DONT YOU DARE! Please? for me, talk to me.
x

Talk to me hunny :)

ok i talk to you
*curls up*

no wanna hurty, im meant to be getting better

but feels like dirt all the old feelings :crying: stupid stupid therapy stupid roberta ran before she could walk

I feel the same way sometimes hunny.

Can i ask, which of the list above done what? So i have a better prospective? or if you have msn, i can talk to you there, for more privacy.

*nods*
parryr@postmaster.co.uk

Im adding you now.
x

thank you

hey hun.
hope your doing ok.
therapy can often make things hard.
if your struggling have you considered ringing your therapist ? is that an option ?

its horrible to have years were yu grow up believing all those things, but it takes a lot of relearnign to accept you did nothing wrong, nothing at all.
i know its difficult because i've been there..

and your talking about it , thats ok if thats all you can do. no one thinks you want it hun
x

*sbhbivers*
cnt stop thinking bout it
posting lots of bad bad **** on the rantingforum
it wont stop coming out
the most f-ed up crap, so explicit it made me throw up i na sainsburys bad

keep shaking
need the pills need them
washed down with a bottle of vodka

keep cleaning but the dirt is like dandruff
i can feeling it coming off every moment, every time i scratch and scrub and burn
but theres still more
theres always more
thats because the dirt IS dead skin
it's just pure me
pure ****ing me

I am really glad you went today, hopefully they can help you now


you don't make people hurt you, and you are not dirty.


keep ranting, get it all out. my internet's playing up as I sort of chucked y laptop accross the roon earlier... but i will try to stay online.


I promise you are not dirty

nonono bad room smells of smoke and vomit
naughty
BAD BAD **** cant do this cant do tonight
patricks gone to bed all grumpy with sunstroke so here i am he wont even talk to me after one of the hardest days of my life

i was brave, i think :'(
i talked for the full hour and a half
but she made me talk about things other than the bad man
like the other bad men
and karen
and now shes all over me i can feel it i can smell her smell its all broken down its all gone
she was the dirty little secret
she was the reason
she was the one that put the mark on me
and now shes out and flying around my head

where lottie where lara i need them i need them i cant do this :'( please please please need to die like them, need to go be with them so i can be a roberta agai

you were brave REALLY brave.

did they say what they are going to do for you? how they can help?
because they can help, and you deserve to be helped