Just had apointment with CPN and pychiatrist *graphic*
 

Don't know why I'm even making a thread in serious
but somehow feel this is too whiny for the mental health board
and I don't really have a point I suppose

Just had an appointment with pychiatrist + CPN
Feel like crying :crying:

Got off to a bad start anyway because me being the idiot I am managed to lock myself out of my own flat.
Felt so so stupid, we had to sit in my CPNs car to talk

So we talked.
I told them about me, what I've been up to
How everything is going great, how bright my future seems to me now
How I've been so great since I got home from hospital, how I've hardly SId much since I've come home.
How I'm looking forwards to going to London tommorow
I was smiling and joking

But the whole time I just felt like I had this scream building in my throat
While I was smiling and nodding and telling them that I don't even feel depressed anymore,
the whole time I felt like I was on the verge of screaming.

*graphic*

How could I tell them that every day I battle the urges to slice through my artery?
How could I tell them that I can't shake off the inevitable truth that I have to die to kill her and me, to stop her?
To make sure no-one dies?
How can I tell them about the fact that sometimes him telling me that I have to die so often and so persistantly just makes me want to do it?
How can I tell them about the non stop flashbacks of restraints and injections and policmen and alarms?

But it was all building up and building up and I could see my opportunity to talk to someone about this slipping away from me and I got panicked and scared.

I had to say something while I still had them here listening
So I tried to explain that actually there is some stuff bugging me
I awkwardly tried to explain about everything.
but after I'd been telling them how great I was doing and how I'm hardly depressed anymore it all sounded so stupid

I was making no sense and It sounded like I was just fishing for stuff to complain about because of how nonsensical it all was
even though from the very beggining I wanted to tell them about all this stuff.
It all sounded so contradictary. I could see the looks of confusion and then annoyance on there faces. Like I was just being awkward .

When I told my pychiatrist that the fact that I haven't SI'd much since I've been home is because I've been busy and been putting it off until after London so I can cut really deep then, she looked so annoyed with me. She was like, and what would the point of that be?
I just didn't know what to say.
I mean, I guess I don't know what the point would be
I just need to do it.

The thing is, I have been making progress
Its true that I do have hope for the future now and I don't class myself as severely clinically depressed anymore
but I still cannot shake off the nagging belief that I have to kill myself
that I have to kill myself to make sure nobody dies.

When I left hospital I told them exactly what I thought they wanted to hear so I could get the hell out of there
I told them that I didn't really believe anymore that I had to kill myself to stop her, and that I was willing to open myself up to other peoples perceptions. I'm trying, I really am.
But I'm still certain of what I have to do to stop her.
I just know for sure the truth of my own head you know?

Anyway as I saw the looks on there faces, how annoyed and confused they looked I felt like crying.
It isn't safe for me to be honest with them
I have to let them think I'm ok because thats what they want to hear

So I tried to water it all down and agreed with them that yeah I am much better now really and all I have to do is to keep busy and yes your right, I probably won't cut deep anyway, had to leave them with the impression that I'm fine and I'm not being awkward, and that I am much much better.

Its some kind of weird need for people to like me or something?
To be the good girl?

Sorry this is long.
I just needed to let it out
Feel like crying and hurting myself badly now because I hate myself so much. Just have this lump in my throat.
I just fuck things up everytime
I created this situation and it's my fault I can't even be honest with them

sorry replying to my own thread

I'm just scared
Scared of what I could do tonight

Really really can't cut deep tonight, can't spend a night in A+E
I have to be up early in the morning to go to London

I just freaked out, badly.
Its really really scared me because I don't know what just happened

I'm struggling to pinpoint why and where exactly I flipped.
I honestly can't remember

One minute I was sitting here typing and the next minute I burst into tears and threw my glass at the wall.
I've been rampaging around the flat hysterically crying and slapping myself for the past few minutes, damm near kicked the door off its hinges
:crying:
Feel so embarassed in case my neighbours heard me crying,
I was that loud

I've managed to stop crying, but now I have broken glass in front of me
Not good.

Sorry ignore this:crazy:

Hey im sorry that things have been so difficult.And i know situations like the one you've just had/described with your CPN/psychiatrist can be/feel really horrible.Can you write them a letter or just send them what you have written here?

i say that cos what you have written here is so clear and maybe it gets acrosss most of what you want to say and in what way you fear being seen by them etc maybe?

i know its hard but please try and find a way to be honest with them.You can still say the positive/its still really important to acknowledge the progress you are making and i know your scared they dont want to hear the negative but they wouldnt be there if they didnt think that you would still be struggling at least to some extent and unless they know this stuff and how much its still going on they cant help you.

i know its hard but you can do this.

You are a fighter and i have seen that from your posts.

But please dont feel you have to battle this alone.

Hey i wont ignore you or this thread.im sorry i think i was probably writing my first reply when you wrote your second post.

Is there anyone you can ring?You/things dont sound very safe right now.And it sounds like really you could do with someone with you or at least on the phone right now.

Here for you and wishing i could do more.

im sorry your hurting so much and really hoping you can keep safe.

thankyou v.much for your reply

I've cleared the glass away without cutting btw

I want to show them my post, or my pycholagist when I see her thursday
but I just know that they would think I was being totally oversensative and misenterpreting there reactions to what I said
(which I probably am/was)

Also don't want to admit that I was , well, not lying to them
but not exactly telling them the truth either

I just do feel so alone in this though
because I really do feel like I can't tell them the truth
I have literally nobody I can talk to about how bad I feel
(apart from everyone on RYL)

Sounds stupid but before when I was crying I was just saying to myself over and over again : I want my mum, I want my mum

Mothers day was upsetting yesterday (my mums been dead nearly two years now) and now just wish she was with me so I could talk to her

Saw my mentor also today and she asked me what I got my mum for mothers day, I just lied and said a card and some flowers
For some reason when people ask me about my mum I tend to avoid saying that she's dead, it's just easier that way

Sorry I'm rambling on here
Thankyou for reading/replying

Heyya
I'm sorry to hear that. *HUGS*
Please don't hurt yourself. Try talking to someone if you can about this. Find distractions, if you can. Take care. xo.