11 months and ready to give up
 

i have almost 11 months si free and everyday i still want to do it. every day seems to be harder to get through without it all the people that know about it think its over. i dont think i can make it through this time i cant close my eyes without seeing my nephew and i keep thinking why did a one month old baby have to die and somone like me gets to keep living almost seven years later and i just cant get over it now my friends just had a baby who is sick and it makes me think about my nephew even more. i hate myself i hate my life my pathetic wasted life im so worhless i hate this. i hate lying to people everyday i work with people with addictions everday and look them in the eye and lie to them when i tell them im not an addict how can i help othe people when i cant help myself. i closed my eyes once and saw me shooting myself in the head right now i wish i had a gun so i could make that real. i should have been dead from other stuff years ago i wish would have. i dont deserve to live and even if i do i dont want to im nothing but a waste of life

Hi Snoopdragon,

First off - congrats on making it 11 months free; that is an amazing achievement.

I'm sorry to hear about your nephew and your friend's sick baby. Death sometimes is so hard to understand. Have you ever been to a counselor or talked to someone to work through your nephew's death? Maybe talking about it could help somewhat?

You are not a waste of life; and you do deserve to live.. please be safe.

*offers hugs*

really sorry to hear that you're having a hard time, its great that you've managed to share whats going on for you though.
its so horrible the way things build and build and never seem to let up, and really drag you down. its often the persistent things that are the hardest to deal with, because, although they're not a hugely dramatic event , they are there ALL the time :(
You're doing really fantastic things, even though sometimes it might not feel that way. 11 months is amazing, and you haven't given up- through all those urges and temptations, through all the rough and horrible thoughts and feelings - you haven't given up- thats truely amazing. that speaks so loudly, and says how very strong you are, even if you really don't feel that way.

I understand how people can say these things about strength and how amazing you're doing and it leads to feeling disheartened because you're really not feeling that way at all- thats ok ... you're in a state of despair right now, you're not likely to be able to see it, but try to trust, even if just a little, that the potential is there for you to do so, one day..

please stay as safe as you can. people do care, even if you're finding it hard to care about yourself just now

11 months is a huge accomplishment. You've done incredibly so far. It's good that you came to us before turning to SI again. I'm sorry that it's been so rough for you. Do you have a therapist or counselor? If not, is it possible to get one? If you do, could you talk to them about this? You seem like a wonderful person and I want you to be okay. We all do. I'm sorry I don't really have any advice. Mostly I just wanted you to know that I care and that I know you can get through this, and that we'll all help you along the way.
PM me any time. xxxxxxx

i dont have a therapist or counselor to talk to and even if i did i just cant talk to anyone about this i have tried before and i just cant do it. the only people i have talked to about my problems dont care even the people in my family dont try to help. the last time i talked to my mom about this she just walked away. i cant talk to her about this now anyway because she had a heart attack in november and i dont want to upset her.