Love/hate. [poss graphic SI/definate graphic Sexual Abuse trgis]now more positive?
 

You know what I love, more than anything?

Watching tiny pricks of blood well up into small balls, merging with each other, until they join up. Then it runs down the arm, onto the bed or tissue or whatever, and spills there, ever expanding, until I time that I see fit to stop it.

You know what I hate?

The tidying up, disposing of stuff, hiding it from my house-mates.

I don't care. The love over-rides the hate soo much.
Last half hour has been spent leading up to this moment. I made it worth it too.

Chels, i wish i had something useful to say, do you feel this is to do with the form you are currently filling in?

I am here for you no matter what

*cuddles*

Jane x

*cuddles*

I'm here if you want to talk - be it about what you're feeling or just a random chit chat to distract you.

I hope you feel better soon.

Oh babes.... *cuddles you tightly* I wish I could help... I wish I could make this go away. *pets lots* i love you.

*HUGS* None of this can be easy for you but we all need to do what we have to in order to survive.
Hang in there, you can do it.

*squishes*
not of any help right now.
i guess we all to what we have to in order to survive.
please be careful.
and im really sorry youre experiencing this.
i hope that you can start to talk about the rape WITHOUT being in robotic mode. i know what thats like. i can sit and tell someone everything without shedding a tear.
but when i connect with the feelings about it..thats whats important.
love you chels.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Okay, so, the nights are the most flashbacky time for me. Luckily I didn't cut too deep or too much, but still a fair amount.

I'm not gonna let this stop me getting help though. No ****ing way. Even if it does become this painstakingly slow process, I will fill out at least one ****ing question on that questionairre a day.

I'm 19 years old, ffs. That's 5 years, roughly, since it happened. Since I started cutting, too. Amazing how quick time goes by.

By the time I'm 24 I don't wan this to be something I even think about. I want a complete reversal of everything. And even if I don't get that, I want to have done something, because there's no ****ing way I'm wasting another 5 years of my life on that ****.

I don't know if I'm sounding completely mad here but I just wanted to say it.

I think you're an inspiration.
For how brave you've been and how brave you are being by getting the help, even though it feels worse for a while.
You've actually got me thinking of telling my pyschologist next week 'bout some stuff.
If you can be this bloody strong just for thinking of doing it, so can I. (I hope >.<)

Butyeah.
I think you're amazing.
That pretty much sums it up.
I love you Chels1<3

Love,
Mini-me :-)
xxxxxxxxxx

I agree with little Chels,
I contacted a rape crisis thing and got sent a questionairre too, but I abandoned it. It is hard opening up and getting help about these things and in the short-term might make things more painful as you dredge up the past. But it will be worth it in the long run. You deserve to be free of flashbacks and nightmares.
Look after yourself
xxx

mini chels is right. *cuddles you tightly* i am so proud you're keeping going. *cuddles and pets*

Snuggles you tight my darling Chels

You are so strong so smily and going through so much. You can do all you want to do even if you don't feel like it now.

xoxox

I think Chelsea needs alot of support and cuddles right now. Shes being brave but really really struggling.!

*crash tackles chelseabear* take me to bed with you honey, i'll protect you! *cuddles*

I'm completely skint. I have no income, because they won't let me on JSA. I'm in the middle of having to decide whether to drop out of uni altogether so I can get on it, or whether to give up and go home, or just try to find a ****ing job really quickly. And I can't do all three at once.

I have council tax to sort out, and my house-mates are being the most unhelpful ever by not being arsed to get their "I am a student" forms signed/have lost them.

I'm starting Rape Therapy soon & gotta do that form and it's just bringing stuff up too.

& I have the car crash court case coming up within the next couple of weeks.

& I have my referal to the main mental health place in southampton next thursday.

& living with people that keep spending money on my behalf and not realising that when I say I can't afford it, I really can't afford it. & having a go at me because I don't have a job when I'm really ****ing trying. & arghhhhhh.

& eZine stuff & fundraising stuff which is about the only thing I love doing but don't have the time for, which pisses me off more.

You could say I'm a little stressed??

Oh honey, I wish I could help. Is there no one who can help advocate for you? Maybe go to the uni and ask what they think??? *cuddles you tightly*

2.30 am.

how many nights of cutting in a row is that now?

how many nights of flashbacks and nightmares?

how much longer can i keep fighting for?

is hospital an option for you honey? Somewhere you can be safe until you're a bit mroe settled? *cuddles tightly*

Even if there was somewhere I could go I can't afford to lose time sorting out all the stuff I have to sort out [see above post, whatever].

Could someone from hospital maybe have helped you?

honey I wish i could help you! There has to be some sort of advocacy group near you! Grrr... what abotu at the uni? if you're still enrolled, they should help!