Back here again.. sorry guys...
 

So...
Umm...
I don't actually know what to say.
I feel like crap? That would be a good start.
I feel like I'm depending on people too much, but I know if I didn't I would crumble.
I want people to notice me... I want them to know that, no actually Im not okay. I want them to see through me so I don't have to tell them.
I want someone to tell me they need me here...
Maybe Im being selfish? Maybe people don't want to tell me because really, my whole life is just one big lie.
Maybe, my friends aren't really friends, maybe I don't have a family, maybe, just maybe, I am just a figment of my own imagination.
Maybe Im not really alive. Im just... existing. Alone. In my own world, where noone understands me.
I hate this. I hate how I have become. I hate WHO I have become. Why?? Is this life? Is this what destiny had instore for me? Maybe, who knows. I will never find out.
Life gets harder. But then you have to go through the storm if you want the sunshine. Except I thought I had the sunshine. I thought I was done with the rain, the thunder and lightening.
When I think things are better... kabooom, destiny has other ideas and deals me a bad hand of cards.
In all honesty I don't know what I expect to get from this post.
I've had second, third and fourth thoughts about it.... but alas.. I am here again.
And you guys have to put up with my insecent moods. Again.
Im trying so hard not to crack, but its going to be visible soon enough.
And maybe... I don't know.
Head. Messed Up.
Too many thoughts to deal with.
Trying sooo hard.

Sorry.

:crying: :crying:

can you talk about this more?
just know we are all here for you.
you can get through this.
can you talk to your GP?

*hugs*
Bleed

I don't actually remember much from last night. I was in such a dissociative (sp?) mood. I remember posting, but I can't really remember the reason why. I can't even remember who I was talking to last night... I only ever really post when I feel like I'm not myself... =/

I've got to go see the doctor in 25 minutes anyway. Im not sure if I will be brave enough to say anything to him though.

Thank you so much for your reply.

xx

Maybe today you can write a similar list of thoughts in relation to how you feel now?

If the ones above seem distant then perhaps wrting down a new set that may be a little more posive could help offset some of the negative and give you a grounding aid to read when you dissociate?

Dunno if that made sense?

Matthew x

Yeah, that made sense. It sounds like a good idea to me!!
Thanks Matthew
xx

This is competely off topic but why is it that when you go to the doctors for one thing you end up with tablets for 2 different things? Plus I now have to go for blood tests and possibly brain scans? WTH?

Erm...cus you smell? :P

I think that might actually be the reason! Haha =P

Do you feel you can tell us why you need blood tests and brain scans?
(you dont have to say if you dont want)
just know we are here for you and will support you.

did you manage to tell the doctor anything about how you are feeling at the moment?

Nope, every time i go i see a different doctor, so i dont really feel able to.

The doctor thinks I might have something wrong because my arm keeps going cold and numb. If the blood tests dont show anything she said I have to go for brain scans....

im sure this is very worrying.
please keep talking to us if you feel that you can.

can you not try and make an appointment with the same doctor you preffer to see. even if it means waiting a little longer for an appointment?