im not sure....*updated with GREAT NEWS!!!*
 

how to keep breathing....
its an involuntary mechanism....
so i cant make it stop....

ive never been this low....

please rach.... go to hopsital. please :'( just so i know you're safe

What's happening? We are all here for you, please take care.

{{{{lots of hugs}}}}
Please be safe whatever you do;

Catherine xxxx

Hey *Gives you a big cuddle* Im sorry your feeling this way. Can you talk to us about what it is thats made you feel this way? Do you have any support? Is there anyone you can talk to who is close to you? Is anyoen else aware that your feeling this way? Please reach out for support so that you can get the help you need and deserve.

I dont want to see you get hurt anymore than what you are. You dont deserve to be feeling this way. I know its really hard but we are all here to support you. Please please go to A&E so that you can talk to one of the nurses there who can help keep you safe aswell as getting support for yourself. Please keep talking to us we care about you and we ar ehere for you. Please stay safe.

Take care best wishes Ian

*snuggles*
We're here for you Rach.
Always x

*Cuddles Rach* we are here for you hunny, stay safe

all i know to say is thank you for caring.

i cant explain what or why im feeling.

but i will promise you i will NOT act on anything that im thinking of....its just hard to have it in my head spinning round and round.

ok.....i'll tell you the best i know how...


i hate living....
when i wake....im disappointed that i didnt die while sleeping...
my son never leaves my mind.....
i am in complete madness....
im afraid to upset or hurt anyone by the things i do...
im afraid of people...
ive found myself completely frozen....
im stuck in this house once again, terrified to go outside....
i cancelled therapy yesterday because i had a massive headache and was extremely sick at my stomach.....i ended up vomitting all over the kitchen floor last night trying to get to the bathroom.....just like a child...
i did NOTHING to make myself sick...i just am...
i feel like im living in a madhouse...
my thoughts and input mean nothing, so ive stopped giving them....but that seems to piss them off even more....
my life seems haulted...
ive accomplished NOTHING that i had set out to do when i was younger...
i have failed at everything....
my mother always tells me that she wants to see me "happy"..,.and that scares the **** outta me because i wonder "can she really see through me this well?" i do my best to fake happiness for her.
i miss my son more and more every day...
i have the pressures of helping with Kaleb...all the while knowing that im betraying Keith.....knowing that one day he find out that i helped to raise another little boy and sent him away....knowing that the day my son stops loving me will be the day i end my life.....not knowing when that day will come but knowing that it WILL come...
thats it for now.....

and im really really sorry for not replying to anyone. im in such a state right now i would hurt more than help.

i do understand very well that im continuing to post on my own "shitty, makenosense" thread.

but im sitting here wondering what else to do.....and for now this is the safest for me.

must we argue EVERY day????
god damnit!!!!
im so so so ****ing sick of this!!!

i dont know wher it went wrong...i dont know when...and i dont know how...
we ****ing love each other.

im a nagging bitch. i guess thats my answer.
constantly dealing with Kaleb.
he seems to become more defiant every day.
its so ****ing stressful.
i am doing the BEST i can. and my best just keeps getting less and less.
i know how to raise a child. i do. thats one thing im good at. i cant believe im actually saying that im good at something. but that is the ONE thing i know how to do.
so why am i finding this so hard???
i guess i was lucky with Keith, blessed even. he was such an easy, laid back child. happy-go-lucky. i rarely had to punish him. and i absolutely hate having to punish Kaleb as much as i do. i wonder is it me??? but then i think it wasnt this way with Keith. it was so much easier. i miss my baby boy so so so bad:crying:

i wish so bad that i could find or meet someone in my situation. but i never have. every woman i know that doesnt have their child or children...its because they were taken from her. i havent met anyone who just sent their child away. the pain is different, i think. i cant relate to these women. they cant seem to relate to me. and for this reason....i AM alone. and it hurts so so bad.:crying:

and i think....how do i get through this???
and then my mind goes directly to "how is my son getting through this?" and thats where my strength comes from. thats when i stop feeling sorry for myself and grit my teeth and hang on. knowing that my little boy is a fighter and a survivor and is thriving despite all the challenges gives me the bit of strength that i do have left. bless him. he IS my saving grace.

but in the back of my mind is that constant all consuming fear that the day WILL come when Keith resents me. the day he realizes that im raising another child. i will take everything he throws at me. i have no excuses. i will NOT be like my mother. i will NOT play the victim as she does. because my son is the victim here..not me. i will ask forgiveness....but i will NOT expect it as she does. and no matter how he feels about me...i will ALWAYS love him unconditionally. period.

im so very scared right now. just thinking of Keith frightens me. he STILL loves me right now. after 6 years of being apart we still have a bond. and i cant imagine it ever breaking. but then again....i could NEVER had imagined him growing up without me. its all so mind blowing. so unreal. its like ive been in a nightmare for 6 years....and doing everything i can to make it less painful. and then i feel like a selfish bitch because i know my son has nothing to numb himself. he has faced it all with a brave face unlike me.

please god, or whoever is out there, please let my baby love me always.
i love you always, my best boy in the whole wide world.
that was "our" phrase. EVERY night i would tell him that. EVERY night.
*cries*

i love you guys. im sorry.

I love you Rachel.
In doing the best you can, you are doing what you are supposed to be doing. Talking to us is what you're sposed to be doing. I may not have wise advice but I can always listen.

I also love you Rach, and I'm so sorry things are so hard for you at the moment. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through with Keith, it must be so painful.
How are you feeling now? xxxx

Hey yellow, i'm new hear and don't know you but i just wanted to lend my support and send some hugs your way.
x hugs x

thank you guys.
and nice to meet you Loops :)

i feel like im going crazy.
i cant stand the drama between Kelly and Noa anymore.
im becoming sicker and sicker.
ive tried to help them for almost a year now.
im worn out.
it breaks my heart the way they treat each other.
i dont understand Kelly's actions.
i dont understand anything around here.
its like a different culture to me.
ive become useless at helping because i only say the same things over and over hoping they will sink in one day.
my heart breaks a little more each day.

i dont know anything anymore.
im lost....as lost as ive ever been.
i want to go home...but i dont know where home is and never have.

*cries hysterically*

*smothers rach with soothing hugs*

You need to get out of there. I know you love kelly... or you think you love kelly. It's possible you're so use to loving her that now you 'guilt' love her. You need out. You can't stay there, you have admitted that it's making you worse! Maybe move so you're closer the keith? I don't know. Right now I see you going down a path i do NOT want you to go down. I want you to go to hospital... rest and re coup for a few weeks... then sit down, sort stuff out with kelly. Your relationship isn't healthy. *hugs* you've got to get out honey. Please. I hate to see you like this. *hugs you tight* i'm so terribly worried abotu you!

love u girlie, mand x

GREAT GREAT NEWS!!!!

i talked to Keith and Robert. coming to visit the weekend after Labor Day. he will only be with me for one day and one night..but its better than nothing!!!!! im really excited. also...he got my card in the mail. i had been holding it because i wanted to give it to him in person and also because i gave him $100.00 for his bday and didnt want to risk mailing it...but did anyway because i didnt think he was coming. he called me back and thanked me and asked me "mommy, how did you do that?" you cant afford it". bless him. i told him oh yes i can.
also...he has straight A's right now and is in 7th grade math while still in 6th grade. next year he hopes to be in 9th grade math(pre-algebra) while only in 7th grade. he's also trying out for the basketball team. im pretty sure he'll make it. he played for his church for 3 years and is really good!!!

i just wanted to share this as i am in much better spirits right now.
thank you all for supporting me.
i love you guys.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

oh thats wonderful! im so happy for you :) *hugs*

Oh that's absolutely wonderful!!!! *cuddles you tightly* that's just wonderful! I'm so happy for you!!!!

and what a kid! bless