*OD/SI/ABUSE/EVERYTHING* back from hopsital.
 

I wasn't in there long- at all. But it was okayish. I cried when i got there.
And they had to put in a syringe in me, to get my blood tested for all of the ODs. :ermm: My blood luckily was fine, and they said if it wasn't then I had to go on the drip!:blink: . I saw loads of doctors and nurses. And the CAMHS from tonteg hospital, a therapist came up to see me today,
to see if I could get discharged! :-D I did.
Woop woop.
But it was horrible because I couldn't tell her the truth-
that I am completely unsafe with myself at home. I was in a litte childrens ward, they had lion king on the wall, and a playstation. And the food was pretty good too. Horrible going in, cause I almost walked out in at the GP with my Mum, she was yelling at everybody in the Surgery-
EVerYBODY!
" well your daughter doesn't keep overdosing, does she?"
The Therapist has to check up on me,this week, before my appointment with my counsellor. to check I'm safe.
And I need to tell her something- :notsure:
I started Oding on the left over______ when I got back home.
But I have only taken one ___________.
Cause something really triggered me pretty badly.
We had to pick up my little brother and sister from school, and on the way, I had a fight with my Mum, I got so upset and angry that I slapped her. Then my mum told me the most horrible thing, my dad is upset with me, because he's scared he's going to go to prison.
" Hannah, he's living in fear, that they're going to take him away"
So basically, it's my ****ing fault that he could go to prison.
( IS VERY GUILTY)
I was planning to Od again to punish myself for it. And then something else really set me off. My little sister pulled my hair back and hit me on the head. My Mum didn't do anything because I had hit her before hand. It's all so violent and I hate it! Then they all left the car, ( We were going to the town of my school to get birthday cards for my dad)
And she went out with all of them.
I was alone in the car, and the buses from school kept driving past
and then one thing
set me off
EXtREMELY Badly-
someone at the back of the buses,
someone who knows me,
I recognise them but I don't know their names
kept swearing at me,
and laughing at me with their friends.
They could already see I was frigging upset,
I banged my head against the car thing,
I didn't have any tools on me ( obviously)
Helen, I'm sorry all of that happened yesterday, but I couldn't call you or anything,
I felt like I was in a prison-
It brought back every single ****ing bullying memory,
And I walked out,
Mr.Davies car was there, behind the bloody buses,
I was going to scream at him
" MAkE THEM STOP"
I had just come out of hospital for four ****ing suicide attempts and ODs.
And this was happening,
I suddenly wanted to be in hospital again.
They asked me
AM I UNSAFE.
I said i'm sure I'll be fine.
They said
DId i want to go home?
I said yeah.
I wanted to SI,
I really missed it.
It's very boring in there btw.
I had suicidal thoughts the entire time I was there-
I am like a walking bombshell.
there was an open window
we were on ground floor
I thought about jumping out.
But I wanted to get discharged as soon as possible.
The therapist probably hated me
*cringes*
I am going to cry to her when she comes to see me.
Telling her
" Make them stop in sixth form"
Because if it does happen, again properly
I know I won't be here.
I should be able to go to Sixth and not have any trouble.
Considering the amount of times i have explained in school about the bullying.
I am scared they are going to tear my family apart about my dad
it's all my fault!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx
I'll keep you all updated.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hannah

*snuggles*

Please let the therepist lnow how you're feeling really and what's going on sweety. I know that's scary but you deserve the right support and help for these things.
I'm sorry about what's going on with your family, it sounds like you're all under a lot of stress, but please don't blame that on yourself hun. Your parents are adults and you are a child hun, you are not to blame for their troubles ok sweety?
Please try and stay safe hun
Xxxx

Hannah,

I'm sorry for what you're going through...I went through it at your age too. Trust me, things do get better. When I was suicidal, I honestly didn't think I had a reason to live and I didn't care about anything....I lost most of my dignity. Things do change though and eventhough you may not believe me now - you will feel happier. I didn't think I could ever smile again but I did, despite all the s**t I went through. After you recover you will be a stronger and wiser person than you ever were before. I became stronger than ever after I recovered. Trust me, hang in there ;)

Thinking of you,
Vicky

have you got the therapist number maybe you should phone them up or even the hospital and explain have you stoped taking the pills now hugs i know its hard but u gotta keep strong. pm if ya need to
cheryl xx

Hannah...

Your going through so much. It's so upsetting to see. Doublely upsetting knowing im going through alot and i can't even reach out to you and help you.

You need to tell people the truth or they can't help you. I know easier said then done.

Im here if you need me hunny.

Ly
x

Thank you for the support,
I have another counselling session on wednesday
and when the therapist checks up on me.
I'll have to say the truth-
there's no point lying-
it'll just make me in more trouble, than I have already been.
xxxxxxxxxxx

Thats good :)
I love you
x

Should I write it all down?
or like print off my rants at the library
Much love
Han
<3
xxxxxxxxx

Do you know what I just thought,
is it possible to get addicted to Oding,
because at the moment,
it's turned into a habit when something has gone wrong like SI?
xxx

I think it has become a form of SI for you.
You need to break this habit quickly.
Maybe you could try to not buy any pills or take any from the house for a week? & then make it 2 ect?
I dont have much advice right now...
I'm sure I'll come back, when I can.
I LOVE YOU

That's strange that it has become a form of si.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
but I'm not addicted to the actual drugs I Od on.
<3
I LOVE YOU MORE
xxxx

i am so sorry you had to go through all of this
straight after you came out of hospital.
it mus have hurt you so badly.
how are you feeling now?
ODing is addictive because its like SI.. its all addictive which sucks so much.
ODs are just another way to harm i reckon.. because when i do it im the same, not addicted to the pills
but more so addictied to the feeling/the feeling of being alive.
i cant word it properly...
*hugs a lot**!!