dying inside
 

Sorry everyone.
I was triggered to have a really bad 'splitting'/fragmenting/dissociative/borderline episode. I hope I'm through the worst now. These episodes re-traumatise me, and it's shaken me up some.

*Huge hugs hunni*
I'm here if you want to talk...anytime day or night!!
*wraps you up in bubble wrap to protect you*
You can do this, and remember you posted on here which takes courage and shows theres something in you that wants to fight!
Whats made you feel this bad recently, do you know??
*big huggles* xxxx

I felt that I should be locked up and the key thrown away. I was terrified and couldn't find myself. I felt like I was locked up and at the mercy of my inner 'evil twin' as it were.

I dont know what advice to give, but is it making you feel better to write it?? I'm more than happy to listen, and give hugs and advice when I can.
*hugs, hugs & more hugs* xxxx

*hugs*
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this hunny, I just wanted to post a quick reply and tell you that you are an incredibly wonderful, caring, loving, lovable person. I know things are difficult right now hun, but you've made such massive progress with yourself and should be very proud.
I wish I had more time to reply hun, but take care of yourself ok? My PM box is always open
Xxxxx

It didn't make me feel that much better to write it, no, because it made me feel that everyone was laughing at me.

I felt that it didn't matter any more. That I was a total burden and broken forever.

*hugs hun* I dont really know what to say, but I wanted you to know I read your post and Im thinking of you. xxx

I'm not laughing!!! It does matter!!!
Please look after yourself!! PLEASE!!
*hugs* xxx

I hope you are safe Katherine, stay strong and you can work through these feelings as you always do.

Strangers in shops do. Why should anywhere else be different?

They are strangers Katherine, they know nothing about you. If they did then i'm sure they wouldn't laugh.

*holds* im sorry i cant say much else.
just know im thinking of you, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and no one is laughing at you. if anyone is, they are ignorant fools
xxx

I'm desperate for caring right now, but I can't seem to take it in.

Is it because you don't believe that there is care out there for you?

I don't believe anyone could really care about me, no. I'm too needy and repulsive, I feel.

I just wish I had someone to sit with me and hold my hand and tell me that I matter, and that it's ok to feel needy and sad.
But that won't ever happen.
Is it so much to want?
I keep judging myself as a needy child.
I'm so tired of trying to weed out what's me and what's my split off self. I'm just so tired of everything.

*Sits with you and holds your hand*

You do matter... We all care about you so much!

If i didn't care i wouldn't be worried everytime if i upset you if i don't get a smiley in your PMs to me....

Theres nothing wrong with being needy... you have every right to be needy... It also ok to feel sad... its a natural feeling remember!

It will get better Katherine you can get through this...

*squishes you tightly*

Thank you.

I'm doing a bit better now. Posting here helped, and your replies. I also got an email back from the Samaritans.

I also took some Pulsatilla [homeopathic remedy] mainly to help with my hayfever. But my hayfever's not budged an inch, and I feel better emotionally.. for now. I feel more.. myself. I just hope I can keep a hold of myself for tomorrow's therapy session.

I could do with some time off from work, a rest. But I can't this week because of some crappy thing with the union going on strike and although I'm not a member, they're not allowing anyone leave on these days, tomorrow and Thursday. And if you have sick leave you have to have a doctor's note. I know my GP would readily oblige, but it's the principle of the thing. Also my manager's off sick, and she's the one I liase with on sorting leave and alerting to my emotional state and such like.

Ooh i am glad your feeling a lil better...

*does a happy dance*

Good luck with your therapy tomorrow...

I am sorry about your problems with work perhaps you could take some days off next week and have that too look forward to...

I understand about the hayfever... thats sucks! *sniffles*

*squishes*

Thanks Claire.
I'm still feeling stable this morning. Thankfully. I've not been myself at all, the past few days.
I have a really bad headache. But better that than 'other things.'

Take good care Katherine.