Blah-Rant
 

I am so tired. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to struggle through each day. I don't know how much longer I can hide how badly I feel. I think about cutting every minute of every day. I have been thinking of taking more of my meds than i should, not to kill myself but to feel differently. Maybe if I feel badly physically but inside (if that makes sense) then I could say I feel like shit without worrying the people who care about me. I just want to feel something different. I am tired of never being ok, of never being good enough. I am a horrible person, I really am, I wish people could see it so they would give up on me so I could give up on me too. :crying:

I cannot remember what life was like before I felt like this. I cannot remember ever being happy but that can't be the way it really was right? I know that my mother sent me to play therapy when I was in grade 4 because I said i wanted to kill myself, but that was just talk right? I was happy once right? I want to believe I was happy but I have no evidence of that. Of course I wasn't always this bad, but i don't remember ever being innocent and carefree like kids are supposed to be. I was always trying to protect my sister and brother (until he got violent).

I don't have any right to be like this. All I do is hurt the people who care about me, just like my mother. I am just like her and it will only get worse. It is not fair to them. It isn't fair that they worry about me.

It can feel devastating to face the truth of how things really were growing up, can't it?

Yes it can, doesn't offer much hope either.

The hope is in the accptance, and then being able to move forward from that, in recognising that the present is safe, and you can gradually let love and nurturing in now to help soothe the wounds some.