life comes in waves ....I feel myself drifting
 

Hello there I m Aoife and a longtime member of this forum. I ve visited on and off for many years and I strongly believe its help me get to this point. Frankly, it hasnt been an easy journey for me ( I suppose its that way for most as well). I have struggled with SH for the past 18 years and its been the one constant thing in my tumultuous existence. When I look around me at the people I grew up alongside, classmates, acquaintances, neighbours, co-workers, I see people who are all moving on in life, achieving goals, making meaning memories, forging lifelong relationships, having children, getting married, being happy. I have none of the above, I spend my life as an outsider looking in, most mornings I wake up dismayed that I ve managed to wake up at all. I cannot remember the last time I felt relaxed or I daresay happy. At this point in my life if I were to disappear no one would notice, it would not matter, I do not matter and strangely enough that though comforts me as it absolves me of any guilt or misgivings. I ve felt this way for most of my life, I ve struggled to get to that point of one day it may feel different but it hasnt in the past 18 years and now I m quite tired and fed up. Thank you for listening to the rantings of an exhausted and broken person. Take care and thank you.

I can relate and I’m so sorry you are going through this.

You do matter. Please believe me. What would you say to someone else who felt the way you do? Try be kind to yourself.

Hello there :) thank you so much for your response and kind words I appreciate it very much. How are you doing today?

You are very welcome. I’m fine thanks.

How are you doing today?

I m glad to hear you are doing well. I feel a bit calmer to be honest but I suspect its the feeling that comes after the SH. Things have been very stressful at the moment and I feel like its the only way I can cope with everything spiralling around me. I havent been sleeping muc due to my thoughts racing and keeping me up at night and my early days mean I rely heavily on caffeine and chocolates but all things considered I am surviving :)

Are you getting any help for the self harm?

I know what you mean about racing thoughts. I know it’s hard but I find caffeine makes my overthinking worse at times. Is there a way to cut back on it?

I hope you get a better sleep tonight. I find music to be helpful.

Well to be quite honest about it I havnt actually had professional help if thats what you meant, I ve always just handled it on my own as best as I could. I dont really have much people around me and I m very careful about it being concealed whch has allowed me to get by all these years. I ve tried meditation, music, reading and work to distract myself, I suppose the aim is to distract myself so I dont have time to focus on it. I ve recently started brewing loose leaf green tea in an attempt to reduce my caffeine consumption. If I have too much I feel a bit hyperactive which isnt good. I agree music helps, its one of my greatest indulgences I love a good pair of headphones and my favourite tea/coffee.

Would you not feel comfortable getting help? Keep posting here for help though too. I’ve found it to be very supportive here.

I’m glad music helps. I love my iPod and headphones.

Its silly really, its a fear of my family finding out about it that I havent sought help professionally. I think it would be beneficial I just have always had that fear of being found out that keeps holding me back. I agree completely ipods are my lifesaver :)

I understand. Although you don’t have to talk about it with your family if you don’t want to.

Hi Aoife. I'm not a veteran so not sure if I should be posting here but I want to say I completely relate to what you wrote - about people moving on in life and that no one would notice if I disappeared.

Try to remember that you will have had more of an impact on people than you actually realise. People would definitely notice if you were gone.

hello there :) thank you for taking the time to respond. How are you doing? Aww thank you for your kind words I appreciate it very much. Lots of hugs :)

You're welcome - sometimes people need a reminder that they do matter? I'm doing ok - currently cold and sleepy! =)