struggling
 

dont really know where to start.....

i was doing really well.. was stable not harming nothing for 2 months. then it all went to **** and i harmed twice in one week, had a crappy therapy session, lied to her and said i hadnt harmed when i really had

i just feel like i have completly failed at everything... wanting to do bad things. my mind is going a mile a minute and im having alot of halucintaions... im scared of telling therapist whats going on because then she will put off emdr even longer.

i told sissy(my best friend) and sondra (my other friend i met through here but she doesnt come on anymore) i harmed and they were both upset with me

feel like i screw up....

none of this probally makes any sense... might delete..


edit 3/1/16
so ive been scared to tell anyone but last week i started hearing voices telling me to hurt others.... im scared of them adn dont really know what to do...

Nope , Please don't delete Hun , Can you be honest with your therapist at your next meeting?
I'm sorry you are hallucinating , what sort of thing are you experiencing?
I'm sorry I don't really know what a emdr is?? Why would your threapist put it off?
You're not a screw up at , Halie *Glomps*

im scared to tell her i really did harm as she might be mad and hurt me...

i see shadows (which scares me alot) and an old man (who doesnt really bother me)

its a therapy aimed at ptsd and she said i have to be stable before we start and cant have hallucinations or it can end badley like her having to call ambulance.....

Well , you probs should tell her , if you start it whilst you are too unwell the ptsd therapy soon it sounds like it really could be detrimental to your health , you don't wanna end up in an ambulance.

i just really want to do it....

But you don't want to go 2 steps forward 3 steps back though . . . .

your right.... i should just delete this... its stupid to even be upset about

No , don't delete this thread , Halie , give some other people time to see it and reply , Please?

ill leave it open for a few days i guess.. just feel so stupid... i shouldnt be upset abou this...

You're not stupid at all *Glomps*

and now sissy is mad....

i hate anyone being mad.... get scared they will hurt me.... so now im upsest and seeing more shadows and just cant calm down.... wanting to do bad things... but know i shouldnt..... i need help.... but dont know who to turn to

Have you ever been taught any distraction techniques for when you are dealing with extreme emotions? If so it might be worth using them when you are angry.

not really anything specific just the general stuff....

i hate anyone being angry but i myself get angry easily and sometimes get angry over nothing. its wierd.

You have BPD don't you? Irrational and extreme emotions can be part of that sometimes I believe.

I find when I get extreme emotions that leaving a situation and focusing my energy on something else is very helpful.

Not officially but therapist thinks i do

Hugs please tell her because if you don't the EMDR could further destabilise you. Thinking of you xx

So kinda coping today but not very well... Wanting to just curl in ball and die. Havent talked to sondra since she got mad about the harming. Tried texting her but she hasnt responded... Not that i deserve friendship anyway... And with telling therapist everything i know i should. I just at the same time really want to start the emdr i want so badley to get better. I want to be normal.... Something i havent been in a very long time.... Part of me hates myself for even waking up today.....

I will probally write it down in my therapy notebook that i use in therapy as sometimes i cant say something but i can write it down and give it to her

They say i do deserve friendship too but i dont feel like i do because i can be mean and i mess up alot

Having a very angry day today. Wanting to just shut down and harm.... But need to go put ducks outside, clean the inside duck cage, take care of the horses and work one of them, do laundry, and work on my pape. Just cant seem to get motivated

On bright side last night i had a big accomplishment for me. I had to ride home alone with my friends boyfriend who i hadnt even met until like 5 minutes before we left. I didnt freak out and had a nice conversation.