Selfmanipulation?
 

I have a kind of an exam tomorrow and I haven't done much studying. I know I shouldn't be online right now and I should be studying. I should have done a lot more practical training with friends from school as half of the exam is practical but I did almost nothing.
It is so hard to force myself to do some preparation for tomorrow.
As if something is holding me back. I used to be like this 6 or 7 years ago but I thought I had beaten this behaviour. I was doing so well since September but my old behaviours have come back.
I keep telling myself that I don't want to be good in school. As if I'm scared to have good grades, it doesn't make sense. I have good grades all the time, at least until now, since I started this school.
It feels as if there is a part of myself stopping me from studying.
Can anyone relate to this? Any ideas how I could beat this?

I feel a strong urge to stay online now and wait for a reply. I'm not giving in though. I'll be back later.

Laura

Yes I know how you feel, a few years ago in 2008-2009 I was really determined to study social work, I had two courses, I was doing at the same time, I was doing two jobs, constantly exercising to extremess and not eating but i was constantly on the go. Then earlier in the year, I recieved the best news ever I was gonna study social work, i had a unconditional offer my degree and i even quit my day job at the co-op (supermarket) everything was going great i had everything that i needed, my confidence was high i wasn't depressed. Then suddently it all came crashing down at the enrolment day (the day before my holiday to texas) I was told that i couldn't do my course as I didn't have a gcse in maths and everything came crashing down, my confidence went down the toilet, i was punishing myself constantly 24/7 by skipping meals and constantly exercising. I didn't care if i lived or died at at one point as was withdrawn. Obviously my parents just ingored me they thought it was just a a phase and i willl just get over it and then from the on wards i stopped believing in myself i stopped wanting to go my job, I began skipping work just turning up when i felt like it. Not bothering if i was five minutes late or missed the 9:05 to witham station and also going to bed really late. So i felt ill the next day to get out of work. Even to this day my motivation for life is down the bogseat yet again, I have had more set backs regarding social work, I have no job to go to, I am in debt to my eyeballs thanks to my last company and i had to give my university course in education studies after i was attacked. My life has officially gone down the bogseat taking my sanity with it.

The exam was ok today. I think I did well in the theoretical part but the practical part was totally different. I feel like I failed at it.

I'm glad it was okay today.
Have you talked ot others about the practical part? Perhaps others feel the same way.

No, I didn't talk to anyone except the ones who were still waiting until it was their turn.
There was only one girl who I don't get alone with very well who I could have talked to.
I'll get the results tomorrow in the morning. I wasn't scared or anything the whole day, but now I keep thinking that I didn't pass the exam and that I'm not a good enough person to become a physical therapist. I keep thinking that I should just stop going to school and do something else.

Ahh right.
Good luck tomorrow. Please try not to worry until you find out, okay?

I passed the exam! yaay!