suicidal
 

hey,
I'm thinking about suicide, not planning yet though, I think I want help but I'm not sure, though I'm writing this.
I have a rather long history of mental disorders and suicide, my diagnosis varied between depression, anxiety, and bipolar, I think I have all three and Avpd(avoidant personality)
profesional help is not availble in my city for the time being, and the near future for what it matters.
I'm on medication now, but obviously they are not efficient enough.
I'm feeling bad , I dont know how to describe it otherwise , maybe I'm draining out, or being eaten from the inside, or falling apart, idk
my wish is that I never existed, I know suicide does not fullfil that, but it is what i have.
I 've never found a meaning for life, although there are people that loves me and I love (I think, and they are only my parents and sisters) but f* them.
I'm doing a volunteer work trying to help those in need as we have a humanitarian crisis over here but f* that also there are other people helping too.
ok it is already long enogh, thx for reading

Please PM me if you do want help. I can't make you not want to commit suicide but maybe I can talk to you and we can figure out why you feel this way. I was a cutter. I have planned my suicide more than once. But I am getting better and I want you to feel like you have someone who can maybe kinda understand. If you don't feel comfterable talking to me find somebody that you are comfterable with. I am not gonna tell you what to do. I can only ask that you please reach out for help and support and love...

Thx madisdemon, your reply is very nice, and shows clearly that you know what I'm talking about, I'll try to PM today

How are you doing today? Feeling any better?

no not really, the awfullness is becoming comprehensive !
why do you feel sick ?

I have a cold and my meds make me sick. Is there anything I can do to make your day better?

a nice cup of hot tea could help your cold ;)
I 'dont think so dear, thx anyway

It's too hot to drink anything hot... Have you already eatten dinner? Maybe we can get to know eachother a little better...?

ic,
yeap it is past midnight overhere,
ok but i cant access to chat on this site, idk y !

maybe the softwear on your computer? and wow it's never even 6 pm yet over here.

it is probably some software issue, but i'm not focused enough to try to solve it !
yeap we are faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar from each other ;)

What are you doing up so late young man! haha. ;D So what all did you do today?

I don't know, and am not that young :s
nth especial, went to work ate, naped, got online!
what about you ?

School and school and oh yeah more school |:
Now I'm cooking dinner for the family.

gd ! school is necessary my kid :D
good for you ! cookign for the whole family ! what are you cooking ?

I cook for the family every day (:
It's my job. I am making pasta with alfredo sause and meat balls
hahah What did you eat for dinner?

I ate homos , it is a kind of smashed beans, quite popular here !

Oh cool. Do you cook alot?

nope, I buy it ready to eat !
what is your favorite subject in school ?

Umm Art or history. What was your favorite subject?