Self Harm turning in to a compulsion?
 

hey,
ive never posted in here before and am not sure if im guna give to much detail.... just tell me if i am-

Has anybody else experienced that self harm has become something they NEED to do because of a belief rather than because of the release?

I wil explain what I mean- after an experience when I was a few years younger, I have constantly felt dirty. I started to wash in bleach to feel clean, now I find if I havnt bleached then I start to panic that I am guna be dirty ( evne if im not having a bad day, just if I dont do it then things are guna get bad) I am now bleaching more because of the compulsion than just doing it when im down.

Am I alone? x

no, i to not think that you are alone in this. i too tend to feel very dirty because of a past experience and i tend to do the same thing. no matter how many times i do it, i still feel dirty. i feel as though i have to do it over and over again. soon enough i will have to feel somewhat clean again, at least that is my thinking. so yeah that part of my self harm is a compulsion. i feel like i HAVE to do it, i need to do it.

thank u for responding,
u bleach?? really?? omg ive never found anybody who does, I thought I was a complete nutter and completely stupid, im nt happy u do it, but its a masive relief to know im not a complete freak x

yes. i too bleach...i have not found anybody else who does that either. i felt so alone in that. i am glad you shared. it is something that no one else really knows, not even my therapist. i have felt such shame about that ritual. i guess it is time that someone knew though, even though we are miles apart. i am glad i responded...

yeah its a big relief i dont even remember what caused me to think to do it, I just know I cant handle days without it, Im always scared if I havnt done it people will be able to physically see im dirty, and if I dont do it, anybody I touch, my partner, my godkids, friends will somehow catch the dirt of me,
My therapist does know shes really understanding about it, we have a disagreement that im dirty, she says the reason I never feel clean is coz u cant clean something that isnt there, but i just think when ive bleached enough to get away my dirt I will feel clean and no its time to stop, until then I have to do this x

i do not really know what caused me to start either. but once i started i have not been able to stop. it is hard, so hard to feel so dirty all of the time. i think that you have a point when you said that you cannot clean what is not there. but i have to clean...

My last psychiatrist told me that one reason in why I self harm is because it feels like a compulsion, it can even be part of OCD for some of us, it's very possible for many of us to feel it's a compulsion for whatever reason, you're not alone.
x

Have you figured out why you feel dirty?

As for germs, we need a certain number of germs in our system to build up
immunity against them. I refuse to use sanitizer unless I go into a hospital to protect those with low immunity. Because I expose myself to germs all the time, I've built up a resistance to them and rarely get sick.

I wash my hands after I go to the washroom and before I make a meal, but that's about it.

Yes I know what makes me feel dirty, its abuse from a few years ago, My CPN suggested that it could be becoming more of a OCD tendancy but I just cant stop, i panic if i dont, and the relief when I do, makes me safer and all the those around me,
I really want to stop but I cant,
Thanks for the replies x