Kind of a rant in the end but not meant to be...
 

Hi.

I haven't posted for quite some time and have stayed away for awhile because I felt it was best at the time. Now I don't know where to turn right now and I thought here might be a good place to start. I'm just going to write this all out and I don't know how it's going to turn out but I hope that by getting it all out I may feel a bit better. I hope this makes sense in the end too.

I've been in recovery from ED, SI, and suicide attempts for 2 years now and I've done great with doing away with the behaviors. Sometimes though the mental parts are still there. I like to think I'm doing great and finding life and maybe even happy and then the next day I feel like crap and beat myself up for not being good enough. I get mad and upset with myself for not sticking to a schedule like I'd like to or not doing things I know I need to, just little silly things like that seem to matter a whole lot to me. I like to try to control how my life runs from day to day as a way to feel safe instead of using food or SI but it never works out the way I want it to and I always get left feeling frustrated and disappointed.

I sometimes still get upset and unhappy with the way my body looks and how I look in general but I know that its just leftover crap from ED that I probably never dealt with. I try to tell myself good things and remind myself that its all lies and a bunch of crap but it doesn't always work. I know that I could probably work through those issues with a therapist but its hard to see a therapist when you're broke and have to be creative with your money just to pay your bills.

I'm trying to work through it all the best I can but sometimes it gets hard and takes over like today. I've done nothing but mope around and be mad at myself and I know that doesn't help. I guess it helps like i thought to just get it all out. I don't know if this makes any sense or if anyone really has anything to say but if you do it'd be great.

Thanks for reading,

Sam

It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. EDs can make you feel like it has to be perfect, must go right, and perhaps it is a way of giving you control, what I mean is, it is okay if things don't go according to plan. It's scary, but it's okay.

I don't know how things are where you live but is there any way someone can refer you to therapy where you don't have to pay? I don't know, have you tried asking a doctor? It sounds like it might help even having someone to talk to, especially if you feel like it takes over.

Don't worry about making sense. I have started writting things in a book to help me, and it just comes out a jumbled mess!

Take care
Sketchy