2000 miles...
 

And she still gets to me.

Someone referred to my mum as a bitch the other day. I agreed. I'm not sure how much of a bitch that makes me, but then I'm not sure how much more of her I can take.

Things started going downhill again in July. I took Darrell out to see her and Dad. Well, more a case of they booked the flights and told me I was going out to see them. I get no choice in these matters, where Mum's concerned.

I've come through a lot the past year or so. I've changed a lot. But still, I seem to be consistently, the one in the wrong. Almost like I'm the one she's ashamed of. I'm not scared of anyone, anymore. Except her.

I strive so hard to please her, but I can't. I just can't seem to manage that final hurdle. She'll tell me in one breath I'm too strict on Daz, and in the next, I'm too soft. One day, I'll pull her up on all her mis-doings as a mother, seeing as she thinks she's so perfect.

So, the one day, I'm sat on her patio, and Daz kept climbing over me. Eventually, after about an hour of this, I told him to pack it in. And suddenly, I was the bitch for snapping.

She forgets I don't have anyone to lift the load occassionally. But she sat there, bitching about how I've always had mood swings, and how even when her husband was miserable, she never acted miserable round her kids. If she could manage that with her eldest two, then how come all my younger brother and I can remember is pissing her off? And if my moods were so bad, why not, like I would if it was Darrell, get them checked out?

It was shortly after this her true feelings about me going back to uni came out. She kept going on about how I shouldn't be doing it now, about in her days, mother were mothers, and everything else waited until the kids were at school. She kept reiterating how I need to put Darrell first. I had no intention of doing otherwise. Yet she made me feel like there's this linear line... More self improvement automatically means caring less about Darrell. Or something like that.

So, last week, she was over. Silly me was looking forward to seeing her. Yet, despite seeing how happy Darrell is, she still tried the guilt trip. This time in the more subtle manner of "it's wrong that the government provide an incentive for parents to go back to uni. Don't they have more important things to do". Way to go to make me feel ****, Mum!

So, there we were, sat in the middle of a restaurant. Trying to keep my cool about her attitude, I'm cleaning Darrell up after an ice cream. And then he throws up. Now, bearing in mind, this is my mother, his nanny, always going on about what a better mother I can be, she walks out. Doesn't ask how he is, doesn't even stop to ask the waiter for a cloth. She still hasn't. OK, I can understand having a child throw up isn't pleasant, but she used to help when my sister's kids threw up, and damn, even the old couple on the table next to us asked if he was ok.

So, how the hell do I stop feeling so crap? Because she always makes me feel like **** somehow, be it over the phone, or on the rare occassions we see each other face to face. Short of cutting all ties, what the hell do I do? What the hell do I say? :sad:

Will read and reply later, but just wanted to send a hug and love

Matthew xxxxxxx

i would use the distance to my advantage and tell her (in an email or letter if you can't face face-to-face) how you feel, that this is your child and where her mothering techniques in your eyes were lacking and how you don't want to be like her, but be the best single mother in this day and age that you can. if that means going back to uni to have a better life for you both then you'll do it.

You could call her and tell her that it is not OK when she is always making you feel ****.
Tell her that you mean it serious and that she should listen to you and not interrupt you at the beginning of the conversation.

Kim do you realise or have you ever stopped to think that actually there is little or nnothinig wrong with you, and that infact the real problem lies with her?

I think this woman is putting all her fears and anxieties upon you as she simply can not cope with her own struggles herself.

Im imagining (and i you will prolly tell me im wrong), that your mother is actually jealous of you! your mother perhaps sees in you something she never had! I think that something is independance and choice.

She harps on about what you should be doing in an antiquarian manner that is so stuck in the 40's its untrue. Its her problem and not yours.

Regarding the sick business, then that surely shows there is something wrong with the woman. Her inability to cope with her own grandchild and her coldness to its distress. Doesnt that show you something?

You ask how you can feel better about this? Well perhaps just start by telling yourself that she is the one with the issues. dont get angry but perhaps try and see her from an outside perspective. Feel a bit sorry for her if you need to. It is she thats ill-adjusted and not you. its her who is struggling and not you. Try and change the ballance of power here. It could be quite liberating.

finally OF COURSE you are going to be excited to see her. youre a single mum struggling and shes your mother. we have that inbuild system of forgiveness as kids that stays with us. I guess a part never leaves us that always wants to trust our parents and believe they are the be all and end all. Sadly the older we get the less of a truth that is. (still happens at 40 believe me)


Ive waffled some psychobabbling poo here. sorry ¬.¬

Love you delusional sister :P

Matthew xxx