I don't know what to do [Slight trigger: Suicide and SI]
 

I feel like in a way I don't belong here on the site, but I don't know a place where I do belong. I just want someone to say it's going to be alright.

I'm in so much physical pain and nausea every day that I dread getting out of bed. I only get four hours of sleep a night, sometimes a two hour nap during the day, if I'm tired enough. Hell, I'm tired all the time. I can't even go to the grocery store anymore. I wait until I get so hungry that I have to go. But I can only buy enough groceries to fit into one bag, because that's all I can carry.

I'm 20 years old. Adding to my already existing mental disorders, I was just diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. It makes me want to kill myself. I always thought what I had been going through was curable, but it's only maintainable. It's devastating that this will be the rest of my life.

I try not to get upset, because it makes my pain worse, but at least when I cry, I feel better. If I let it out, it doesn't hurt as bad. But I can't cry all the time, but I want to. Sometimes I'll force myself to go out and walk in the park or downtown, but I find myself looking forward to going home and crying.

It's hard not to SI. Cutting gets my mind off of my other pains. It calms me down. At least that's how I remember it. It's been a while.

Add to all of this, my boyfriend is in jail for six months. He was locked up this past Thursday. I am having a hard time coping without him being here for me emotionally and physically. He would do simple things to help me out. Doing the dishes, taking out the trash, helping me with groceries. I'd do the laundry and spot clean the rooms. Now I have to do all of it, and I can't. I do get calls from him every couple of days or so. And I try to write, but I cry so hard.

I feel very alone. Sometimes I want to die, but I know I can't do it. Not anymore. I have loved ones to live for. But in turn, I suffer for them too.

I dont really know what to say or how to give anything encouraging to you. But you are not alone, noone is ever truly alone. We all go through rough patches..but they do pass and you will begin to feel better.
You say you cant do everything, but I bet you could. Often we feel very overwhelmed by things, because there is a lot..we all know often its too much. But break it down, write out a rota for a week of the tasks you have to do. Do them in manageable chunks- cross them off a list and you feel like you have achieved something.

You're allowed to cry, youre also allowed to rant on here, to write things down and then destroy them in some way. I used to shred what i wrote, it felt like everything being lifted off my shoulders.

Take care, Miriam xxxx

Try and keep your mind busy. I know that is a cliche thing to say but its true. The more bored you get the worse you will feel. I am sorry you are finding things so hard right now, do you have a friend you could call to pick up some grocery's for you? Or to stay with you for a while?

No, I just moved to a different state, so I don't have many friends yet.

I'm struggling through this though. I have to do things the best way I know how.

it's going to be alright.
much love and *snuggles*
xx

Thank you *hugs*