Memories of hospital
 

I feel quite nervous and exposed writing this and I may delete it later. I guess I want to know if anyone feels similar, or any advice.

I have memories, really strong vivid ones, of a time I was in hospital. I've been in different wards quite a few times but it's this one time that lasted around 6 months when I was 17 that has really affected me. Though I started on a 'normal' ward I was moved downstairs to the secure one shortly.

So many memories of the staff and the patients and all the going ons. I can't emphasis how strong they are.

I can't get it out of my head however hard I try. I'm drawn towards re-living it all inside my head. I drag stuff up and think about it, I often cry. I don't hate it though. Horrible, horrible things went on. But it makes me sad I will never ever experience that again. (I am an 'adult' now) And it confuses me about what I really want.

The best way I can describe it is as looking back at a former life and so 'full', but one that everyone dismisses.

I'm not making sense.

I feel like I really need to catch those memories. I can't let them go.

I was alive then. In adult wards recently, there was no life like there was there.

That and this here now are two polar opposites.

I have times when I feel exactly the same way. I go over and over the memories I have from different admissions, reliving it and desperately wanting to be back there. I even dream about it at night. I get like this particularly when I'm feeling vulnerable and depressed, just wanting to be looked after and so my mind turns to hospital.

me too! when i was in hospital i mainly wanted to get out. since though i have been obsessed with my time on the ward. i re-read old diaries, ask friends and family questions about wht it was like to visit me,etc. a year on i'm beginning to put it behind me - i've started to remember some of the bad and not just all the good. I've tried to think of why i miss the ward so much and it comes down to: no responsibility, being looked after, having feelings validated, company and a general escape from who i normally am. i've rambled but just wanted to say you're not the only one!

There are times that I miss the hospital. I think it's been said exactly true...someone to look after you, no responsibilities, you feel validated, others can relate when you talk to them. It's a safe place.

But then I think about everytime I've come home from the hospital and how everyone treats me then. Like I've screwed up again, or like I'm going to blow at any time. It reinforces to my family that I'm crazy. wish i could just live where all the crazies are.

I understand the adult thing. I have turned 18 this year making me too old to go to the unit I used to go to, and I look back with kind of way, like, there were some good memories with the bad. The sense of comradery amongst the patients which doesn't happen in adult wards. Something has been lost. It makes me more resolute to not be put in hospital again.

just wanted to say i can relate and understand.

i thought i was the only one that felt this way. i miss the last hospital i was in :( i wanted to talk about this but didn't know how people would react to it.

*hugs Miranda && everyone else*

I feel exactly the same. I think about my time in hospital more than I should. And now I'm 18 I'll never be able to go to the adolescent unit I was in again, which is horrible because it was always a comfort knowing if I needed to go IP again it would be there (despite how crap it could be).

I've never been on an adult ward but I really really identify with replaying obessively time in an adolescent unit. One thing that I found incredibly helpful was to write the experience out in as much or as little detail as I felt inclined.

i understand i have vivid dreams of when i was put in a secure unit
of the things that where done to me
but sometime i miss being in hospital the support the people

I do the same thing, I replay my time in hospital constantly and it is difficult because of the longing to be back there- though I know it cannot happen. Like Katy suggested, writing things down about it in detail can help you get it off your chest and ease the burden a little more.

i do the exact same thing.
i dream about it. i think about it.
the bad and the good.
and sometimes i long to be back there.
because i need some semblance of being cared for.
knowing someone is there for me.
believed.
looked after.
safe.
IP isnt an option right now.
so i just replay over and over the memories of the safety i felt.
in a hope that it will transfer into the safety i need now.

The same thing happened to me, but I'd like to assure you it got easier with time. I also found that journalling my experiences helped, because I started to feel like I could forget them, and if I needed them, they were stored somewhere. I didn't have to relive them.

But I completely understand, I don't think I've ever completely related to a post as much as I do your original post here. You're not alone, and, it gets easier. Writing can help to "catch" the moments, sometimes to ease the pain it can help trying to find what it is you're missing (and a substitute that can bring this, or similar, to you).

Keep talking, if you'd like.
xxx

Thanks everyone. Seems I'm not alone!

Odd thing is I don't want to go back, yet I can't stop thinking about it. The ordinary bits and the horrific bits. Will trying journalling some stuff.

I know where your coming from 3 years on and i still relive the memorys of being in hospital nearly everyday, it drives me mad i wake up in the middle of the night terrified cos i've been reliving it in my dreams, then sometimes things can trigger me to have flashbacks about it which isnt nice like being back there again. I don't remember any good times there, just all bad all horrible. I would never want to go back there, even though i know it's not an option now cos i'm too old, even that thought doesnt seem to help, guess i've just kinda accepted that im always gonna think about it sometimes. Offers you lots of hugs.

It got easier for me. But when I first got out my mind lived in the ward and I basically had constant flashbacks night and day for months and months. It was horrific. I completely understand what you're talking about.

Try and ground yourself in the present and think of the things you have on the outside that you didn't have in hospital. Remembering how much I wanted simple things when I was hospital, like being able to get up when I wanted and go to the shop without any fuss.

It will get easier over time, just try and relax. Do you have any current support?

*hugs*

Oh, I also completely understand what you mean about adolescent v adult wards. I was transfered from one to the other without warning because I turned 18 while inpatient and the difference between the two was huge. I'd gone from a very good adolescence to a very bad adult ward. As hard as it is you have to try and accept that there is no way back to the adolescent ward and for me, the horror of the adult ward was enough to make sure I never made inpatient again.

Droplet, I can relate. I get flashbacks and memories from the secure unit and my sections quite a lot. Writing it all down helps though.

I've never been in a psych hospital, although its come very close a few times. I've often wished I was in one, and I recall the times I spent in medical hospitals as a result of SH. I'm glad I'm not the only one who wants that kind of freedom. I say freedom because, despite being unable to leave, I think it kind of is. At least, when I was in the medical hospital the staff all knew why I was there so I was watched, but I was free. I didn't need to answer my phone, check emails, do chores...anything. It felt free.